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Reality turned out better than expected?

(11 Posts)
Adopter12345 Thu 19-May-16 18:59:25

I have name changed so as not to out myself. Please don't out me if you know who I am!

We are second time adopters. It has all happened v quickly and we have been given a CPR of a child a lot more quickly than I had envisaged.

The BM drank during pregnancy - "apparently" she stopped at about 4 months but don't know whether that is true. I know her personal situation was dreadful and so I can imagine she did still drink when she was pregnant. I do know she can stop (hair tests show it) so it could be true.

Child is just over a year. No FAS facial features. But there is some delay. Eg baby not crawling.

For various reasons, child would be a good fit for our family. But my question is this - did any one else take on a similarly "uncertain" child and find out it was much better than expected. I am not expecting an Einstein but ideally, I would like my children to ultimately become independent.

Our first adoption has had its challenges but DH and I can cope and have coped and couldn't imagine our life any different. It just seems that much more a bigger gamble as it will mean unsettling DC1.

I know there are grades of FAS and I know Fasparent as some awe inspiring stories (but she is an awesome lady by all accounts).

Thoughts anyone? Just feel so scared but excited too.

gabsdot Thu 19-May-16 19:26:29

My son's birth mother was an IV drug user. We adopted him at 8 months. He weighed 8lbs.
Now he's 12 and apart from being skinny and a bit small he's fine. He is never sick. I can't even remember the last time I took him to the doctor.

CheeseAtFourpence Thu 19-May-16 19:52:14

DD was a 5lb-er born to a heroin addict. Possible drinker too but not much info. There was also a question mark over whether she had Hep C at the point we adopted her.

And now...an average sized, super healthy child! It's a running joke how she escapes all the illnesses that her friends get.

We do have behavioural and attachment issues but we deal with those as they arise and whilst they might see me pouring a very large wine occasionally, it's nothing we can't deal with.

Who know what the future will bring, but after all the potential issues we were told about throughout our adoption journey we seem to have escaped most!

bostonkremekrazy Thu 19-May-16 20:19:40

Adopter....
does baby have any other signs of FAS - birthweight - early birth? what centile was she born on and has she remained on - if she has never gone over 25% that is a sign - also head size measurements do you know?

has she seen a geneticist and had a diagnosis of FAS made or ruled out completely? that would be my question.

we took on a similar baby - and a few months in have just received the diagnosis of FAS. we were told that only a geneticist can make the final diagnosis - so i would ask if she has been seen.

it is a spectrum though - and no facial features is a good starting point.

we were told by the geneticist however that if BM was drinking in the first trimester then damage has been done - what you now need to know is to what level that damage is - fetal alcohol effects or the syndrome.

a crystal ball would be nice as you cannot predict to what level any child will be affected. it does not follow that more alcohol = more damage. every fetus copes differently with a drinking BM, and some babies whose BM drank do come out relatively untouched.

i guess it is a risk you know about, now you have to balance up how willing you are to take the risk of a FAS diagnosis later.....and the impact of that. read all you can - we found this book really useful

www.amazon.co.uk/Foetal-Alcohol-Spectrum-Disorder-disability/dp/1500851884/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463685512&sr=1-1&keywords=fetal+alcohol+syndrome

good luck - our dd is a delight, and we do not regret our decision for one second!

Adopter12345 Thu 19-May-16 20:30:25

Thanks for all the advice and stories.
I am not expecting a perfect baby/child - just a child I think I can cope with. And I hate uncertainty...but then I guess parenting is always uncertain.

Boston - have just ordered the book.

The drinking was done most prevalently in first trimester. Child is on 50th centile - but some gross motor skill issues.

bostonkremekrazy Thu 19-May-16 21:09:08

adopter - if you know the drinking was most present during the first 12 weeks, then no facial features is positive.
likewise a baby on 50% is positive - FAS babies are small and typically dont' get over 25% in weight, height or head circ.

do you know the reason for the gross motor delay? obviously FAS is just one problem our babies can have, a baby not crawling at a year would raise concern also.
has she had a ruth griffiths assessment? - its a developmental test which will give you the most insight, our medical advisor ordered one for our little one pre-adoption, and we took her 3 weeks in (waiting lists!)....it was the single most helpful piece of information we have so far been given about her smile
ask the sw if the medical advisor can arrange this pre adoption if possible - its your crystal ball for the next year or so, and will give you the most insight as to how she is doing overall.

hope that helps.

SpookyRachel Thu 19-May-16 21:31:02

Adopter, my dd was born drug addicted and went through a painful withdrawal. BM is an alcoholic and she drank through most of the pregnancy (though not all).

She seems to have escaped without any physiological ill effects. She is tall, strong, good at sports and dancing. Also academically able, sharp as a tack, doing very well at school, makes friends easily.

She does have emotional and attachment problems, and a whole load of issues relating to being adopted, but physically she's doing brilliantly.

Catvsworld Thu 19-May-16 21:45:48

My first daughter was born to a drug addicted BM really bad not antnatel care ect and she is fine now her emotions are wobbly but academically she's fine and her attcment is good she is 3 can count knows days of the week not Tuesday's thoe lol we have 2 Monday's at the moment is potty trained witch only took 3 days can do lots of things

2nd daughter has some fas features and is from a similar background however is meeting all her milestones and is even ahead in some saw have yesterday sw said its like she will be at the very mild end op it's just like having a BP you have no clue what the future holds if you think you can love this child and parent them and they are a good fit them take the leap

I have birth child who is a teen he had GD and was much harder in terms of him learning to do things even now he still wets the bed now again and it's very hard much harder than my adopted children

Gobbledeygook Fri 20-May-16 09:04:25

Hi OP - we had the exact same profile as the child you are considering.BM drank and took drugs in 1st trimester after which she apparently stopped. Baby only started crawling at 13 months. He has been with us now for 9 months and is walking (not til 18 months) and running and jumping. It was a delay brought on by the trauma of loss combined with pure laziness! He is a gem smile

fasparent Fri 20-May-16 12:17:27

Hi Fasparent here,Kids are still doing well.
Point if interest too all may be.
Today things are different more is know regards FAS FASD. unlike in our day, morelike sticking plaster and a DIY Kit.
This may be of interest too all The New NHS 100,0000 Genomes Progect can google. If accepted onto this can fast track and investegate all possable genetic problems.
Kids are on this now as Adults awaiting results , only
because of advancement in technology and too see if they have any future underlying problem's not diagnosed which could effect their future health. Is available too children and adults alike. can google
Genomics England for details

vimtoqueen1 Fri 20-May-16 21:14:30

We have recently adopted 2 under 2 - we thought their facial features looked FAS but paediatrician said it could well just be family genetics.
Girl nearly 22 months is 75th percentile and development is on track apart from speech - think that is more if an attitude thing and she has the terrible 2s early !
Boy of 12 months was only 2nd percentile but has recently gone up to 5th - whoop whoop ! He couldn't sit or crawl 8 weeks ago when he came home but I think the FC had him in a bouncy chair most of the time so it was just a case of giving him chance to build the muscles up through tummy time and jumperoo. He is now sitting and commando crawling.
I have been told my friends who are midwives and doctors that boys are lazier when it comes to sitting and crawling.
We still don't know what the future will hold but we absolutely adore and love them with all our hearts and if things become apparent in the future then we will face them then.
Lots of reading has been done but paediatrician said that he was more concerned with both being prem then the chance of FAS.
Hope this helps x

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