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Found out my bm has died.

(26 Posts)
Asuitablemum Wed 11-May-16 23:39:04

She was only about 58. I never made contact but was doing a slow mull over it. I have found some of my birth mum's family through the Internet and whilst googling found a funeral notice for her. Gave me a bit of a shock tbh, that meeting will never take place. Plus any details of my bf may have gone with her. I only have a name and profession and tbh I wonder if she gave a false name as I can't find him online and I know she really didn't want him to find out. I have a happy life but I wanted to have the option of contact at some point. I have no real questions. Just thought I'd post, thanks for reading.

Rainatnight Thu 12-May-16 06:32:00

flowers for you. I can imagine that must have been a real shock and you'll need some time to process not being able to meet her. Be nice to yourself at this time.

Asuitablemum Thu 12-May-16 09:33:50

Thank you rain X

undersoap Thu 12-May-16 19:54:56

Sorry for your loss, Asuitablemum - that must be tough for you. Do you have a social worker you could contact to help you navigate this. I know many agencies offer life-long support for adoptees to help them in times like this. Wishing you all the best.

Asuitablemum Thu 12-May-16 20:47:47

The sad thing is that I did contact the organisation that I was adopted through in 2013, when my son was 2. I spoke to the counsellor/got more info. But then I left it apart from a bit of googling as I was just taking my time. She died summer 2014. But then she'd never sent any message through for me so maybe she wouldn't have wanted contact.

I have now contacted them and when my case comes up I'll meet the lady again. I think that I would like to contact some of her family and look to find contact for my bf too.

Asuitablemum Sat 14-May-16 20:17:27

Has anyone else ever contacted other relatives of their bm if their bm had died?

ClassicCoast Sat 14-May-16 22:09:32

Sorry thst happened.

I made contact with my birth family and found out both parents were dead. I was quite surprised as they were relatively young ( but very chaotic) but met other members of the family and now have some close relationships with great people.
Got to fill in lots of backstory too. Hope it works out for you.

Asuitablemum Sat 14-May-16 22:52:13

Thanks classic. Was it worth meeting other family members then? What kind of backstory did it help with? Did either of your bp's talk about you to their relatives?

ClassicCoast Sat 14-May-16 23:25:20

BPs were addicts and had been difficult for the wider family who were kind of normal. They hadn't spoken about me at all, lots of the birth family didn't know At all. Anyway I found out about them,about pregnancy circumstances and info that made sense of why I spent time in hospital as a baby.

Some of the family members are now my family, there was a younger aunt and her family and we really connected and Skype a lot and catch up when we can. It has given me only positives. I knew birth parents had addiction issues so didn't expect too much from them.

Asuitablemum Sun 15-May-16 23:46:53

Thanks classic. Did you tell your adoptive parents that your were searching? Great that you've found new family. I'm not sure how many of the family know about me. At birth I think that only one brother (of 10) knew. And my bf wasn't told so if I ever found him then it could be a massive shock!

ClassicCoast Mon 16-May-16 22:16:43

I didn't tell my parents that I was searching. Had poked around and gone back and forth but without too much worry and was just aware time was passing.
After a while I realised it wasn't my burden to carry that as an adoptee I had a right to do it without guilt that I didn't need to be stuck I the middle worrying about other peoples' feelings.
I told them and they were fearful and worried and then better and we were all better for it long term.

ClassicCoast Mon 16-May-16 22:18:56

Oh and being a secret like you the person I am now closest to knew nothing about me at all prior to our contact!

Kr1stina Tue 17-May-16 23:31:06

Hi a suitable mum , I'm sorry to hear your news , that must have been a great shock .

I traced my birth father . His name wasn't on the birth certificate but I had a name and occupation which allowed me to find him . He knew I'd been born but never saw me, as he had split up with my BM before I was born .

Weirdly, my BM said I was a boy , so he was shocked to be traced by a daughter .

I've had relationships with my father, my paternal grandmother and my half siblings which have been very important to me for a long time .

So for me , tracing him was very worthwhile .

jellyfishschool Wed 18-May-16 11:27:10

I am an adoptee and I am sorry about your bm. If you want to trace the extended family, I hope you find organisations to help.

I have a really good relationship with my birth family and finding my extended family was particularly great because many of my interests and passions just happened to have been shared, there were a lot of physical similarities handed down through the generations, and I discovered we were part of a culture which I had always felt an affinity to.

I have an adoptee friend who had the opposite experience - it took her many years to seek them out and when she did she decided very quickly she wanted nothing to do with them.

So I think I am saying it is good to be prepared for both possibilities?

Kr1stina Wed 18-May-16 11:38:29

I agree jellyfish . As well as for anything in between .

Asuitablemum Wed 18-May-16 21:50:41

Thank you both. I'm so pleased you have all had Good experiences finding your bfamilies. Did you tell your parents? I feel like it would really hurt my parents. Especially my dm who never talks about it. I have done some Facebook searching and my bm's families look to be really close knit. They are sporty too which I am but the rest of my family aren't.

Kr1stina Thu 19-May-16 14:13:38

In the interest of balance I should say that I had a negative exerience of contacting my birth mother .

I didn't tell my parents as we were never close and I was an adult by the time I traced .

I do think you need someone to support you during your search , whether it's a close friend or partner or a cousellor or therapist . It's probably too much to ask someone in your family to be that person for you, as they will have their own feelings to deal with .

It can throw up a lot of unexpected issues and be very stressful and confusing , so if you decide to go further with your search, please don't do it alone .

Asuitablemum Fri 20-May-16 19:54:48

It's such a hard one. I don't really need the extra stress right now but that said I keep thinking about it a lot at the moment and feel like I would be interested to meet some of my blood rellies. But also don't want to betray my wonderful parents!

Kr1stina Fri 20-May-16 22:34:03

Do you think they would feel betrayed ? Or Is it you who feels that it would be disloyal in some way ?

Asuitablemum Sat 21-May-16 01:38:01

I think it would hurt my mum. I think my dad would understand more but still might be hurt I think

Italiangreyhound Sat 21-May-16 02:40:06

*AsuitablemumI am so sorry you had this sad experience and for all the emotions it may have left you with.

I agree with lots of wise posts, that things could go either way etc. But I feel as you may be wise to pursue this now if this is what you want to do.

Please do get some advice from a suitable organisation or counsellor, please do find someone who can support you through this without being over bearing, e.g. an understanding friend.

As a mum to a boy (of 5) who joined us by adoption, I would personally want to know what my child was doing, even if they were an adult. I might feel threatened (I do hope not) and I feel sure I might feel much worse if I found out by accident.

Do your parents know you found out your birth mum had died?

Of course, I can't guarantee your mum or dad (adopted dad) will be OK with it or fine etc but I just think if you can talk calmly before you start the next bit of your search and explain that it is not to do with failing on her part or your dad's part, that you want to trace birth dad etc or wider family, they may be more supportive. But you know them so do trust your judgment.

As ClassicCoast said "After a while I realised it wasn't my burden to carry that as an adoptee I had a right to do it without guilt that I didn't need to be stuck I the middle worrying about other peoples' feelings."

I expect you have heard of this organisation.


Good luck. thanks

Humsta Sat 21-May-16 15:54:54

Hi asuitablemum, you're not betraying anyone because it's part of what happened in your life, as others have said though you'll need to be prepared for good or bad things you might find out - I think all knowledge is good though ultimately. You do need to respect your adopted parents but perhaps you could be discreet about what you find out, until you're ready to share and perhaps deal with their emotional reactions.

Asuitablemum Sat 21-May-16 19:17:49

Thanks Italian. No, my parents don't know my bm has died. I was told very young that I was adopted but can never remember having any conversation about it with my mum ever. So I do feel uncomfortable bringing it up. My mum can be quite introspective and I know it would upset her. I've had maybe 20 sentences about adoption with my dad. He is more open and I think would be understanding. It's difficult. Maybe I could say that the agency contacted me to say that my bm died and I want to get in contact to find out medical details. That might be more palatable as seems less like I'm looking for something beyond them, which I'm not really. And they are so wonderful and amazing.

Humsta Sun 22-May-16 21:26:59

Do you think you'll look more or are you able to mentally draw a line because your bm's passed away?

Asuitablemum Sun 22-May-16 21:58:43

I would like to look more. Just to find out more about my birth family and maybe to meet them and see photos etc.

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