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Matching panel question(22 Posts)
Happy Easter everyone!
Matching panel is creeping up and I am hoping to gain some valuable knowledge from others whom have answered this question!
It seems that the standard "why this child(ren)?" Is always asked. How did you answer? I'm aware that the panel must hear numerous replies to this question, I'm a planner by nature and really want our answer to stand out to show how much "our x" is perfect for us!
Thanks in advance for your replies! Xx
We were asked this question and in all honesty they're wanting to hear your own personal answer which comes from your heart. It doesn't matter what others have said.
So why have you said yes to this child/ren? Why do you think they are right for you and you for them?
Just be honest. For us it was more a case that there was no reason to say no to her. We didn't know her, hadn't met her, she was a baby, and had only seen a couple of photos. We felt that we could cope with, accept, deal with her issues, background, history.
If your LO is older and you know more about them as an individual, have met them or their foster carer or have an idea of what their character is like, you can say what appeals to you about them.
How do you feel about them now? Why do you want to be their parent? Why them and not another child?
I also had nothing logical to offer - i just talked about how there was a moment i knew i wanted this child as my child. Followed up by some careful why-we-were-right for the child stuff to show i had done some serious thnking. "Claimed" seems to be a much approved buzz word atm.
I burst into tears at this point and blubbed about how it was time DS had some consistency from someone who not only loved him as I'm sure his birth family did but also have the stability and safety that I could offer that they couldn't and then rambled on about how love just wasn't enough, safety and practical care were also essential ...half the panel had teared up at this point so I shut up and sniffed into my tissue! I was also asked about how I had prepared for DS (I told them about practical things like gates, cots etc and then also things like preparing close family and friends about how different parenting an adoptive child would be) and how I thought my life was going to change (massively!!! It would now be focusedon DS and not me). They seemed happy with my answers as DS came home for good about 3 weeks later best of luck X
This (from clockworklemon) is what we said at SW visit 18 months ago:
'Just be honest. For us it was more a case that there was no reason to say no to her. We didn't know her, hadn't met her, she was a baby, and had only seen a couple of photos. We felt that we could cope with, accept, deal with her issues, background, history. '
The SW said well it's clear you don't specifically want this child and left...however I still agree with this as a statement. He was a life-crushing git.
Having made it to matching panel I'm sure you'll be fine and wish you every happiness
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and experience!
MintyLizzy9, I have been an emotional rollercoaster these last few months so fully expect to sob! Even after I have a little pep talk with myself I well up! I sobbed at approval panel, when I met foster carer, surely a person can run out of tears?!
ChoccyJules, sorry to hear about your experience, I really hope this a rare occasion and has not dampened your enthusiasm.
Thanks and am sorry to hijack the thread. Being almost three years into this dire system things can rear their heads occasionally.
Not hijacking the thread ChockyJules, I asked for everyone's experiences and you gave me yours! Thanks for sharing, hope you are ok xx
You never run out of tears....I have a cry on a weekly basis because I just can't believe my luck! X
Crying is fine, it shows you care! I cried in matching panel, I looked up and at least 3 of the panel themselves were dabbing their eyes.. One of whom was a man. Will never forget that.
I just knew. I just knew DS was ours. I felt such a strong urge to protect him and I knew I wasn't leaving that room without a yes. DH was a little nervous about how fierce I was going in... but in truth, I think "I just know" was enough. Our matching panel were lovely.
MintyLizzy9, I totally was not this emotionally before this journey! Now cry at the drop of a hat, pick up an outfit in a shop for my little x, cry! Look at photos and videos of little x, cry! I have had to up my water consumption for fear of dehydration!
Clockwork lemon, I sobbed during the approval panel, got very few words out! Hope I do a bit better this time!!
Islurpmyspaghetti, totally with you on that one, I know he is my little x, he was always destined to be, too many signs, signals, similarities and hints. How can you fall in love with someone you have never met?! Crazy! X
What you have written there is a really compelling answer to your original question, HenryHorse. "When you know, you know" is really hard to argue with! Good luck. I don't post often but DS is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Thanks Islurpmyspaghetti, you defo cannot argue with "when you know, you know!".
I am nervous and excited in equal measures! I'm hopeful that all will be well at panel but cannot help having the little seed of doubt that gives me a good kick to the gut every once in a while, hence the question, I want to do everything in my power to make sure this happens!
Cannot wait for this next chapter....xx
I think you've done well to identify and recognise that seed of doubt. I had it too. Just so you know, it doesn't go away either. I think it's probably maternal instinct!
I just knew as that DD was my DD, and said that. DD has some very specific needs so there were lots of questions about how I would meet those, what I had discussed with medical professionals and foster carer etc. Also questions about what I was most looking forward to, what woke me up the night worrying, and who my support was.
I found matching panel worse than approval panel - I knew it was very unlikely they would say no, but the loss if they did felt so much greater. Thankfully they said yes!
chocyjules I am so sorry.
HenryHorse Initially my feelings for ds (who has now been with us almost 2 years) were that there was no reason to say no. We felt (and social workers agreed) we could meet his needs etc. We had not seen his photo but saw whole file and knew we could provide a good home for him - as much as we can ever know these things!
But very quickly it was more than that. I woke up happy the next day. Wasn't't sure why! Then remembered Cassius (not his real name)!
Personally, I would never use the language of his being destined to be ours etc. He has a birth family who loved him, but could not care for him, he had a very close and wonderful relationship with fabulous foster carers, who did an amazing job but who were just there for a chunk of his life. I cannot believe any of this is his destiny, just his reality. In an ideal world he would have had birth parents who could care for him or he would have been born to us. I'm just very careful about the idea that his joining us is any part of a grand scheme if that makes sense.
I think you don't want to show that " our X " is perfect for us. I think you want to show why YOU are the best match for the child.
So I would talk about the child's needs and how you hope to meet these. Take your cues from the documents that have been written about the child, as they may have been written by the child's worker who is sitting on the panel making the decision . So if he / she writes a lot about a certain topic eg education , health needs, then mention that topic specifically .
Eg I know someone who was hoping to adopt a baby who had ( very unusually ) been relinquished because the mother was an overseas student and wanted to continue her education and didn't want her family back home to know about the child. One of the prospective adopters was a teacher so they talked about the local schools and how much they valued the child getting a good education, would support him etc .
They also talked about the childs heritage ( which was different from their own ) and how they would go about valuing this .
It's ok to be emotional, but try to avoid gushing " oh they are just so cute and have brown eyes like me and the same birthday as my late gran so I just know it's meant to be " .
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