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Expecting too much?

(9 Posts)
vimtoqueen1 Mon 14-Mar-16 09:37:00

We are adopting two LO's under 2 and start intros this week. We are made up and have been very lucky in getting an early match and not waiting for months or years. We have no birth children.
Lots of friends have been very supportive.
One of my best friends had a baby a few months ago and I arranged her baby shower with her MIL including inviting lots of friends from across the country, buying lots of presents and spending quite alot of time on it.
We were matched a couple of weeks ago and I had dropped hints before matching that I would love a baby shower..but nothing has been arranged and I don't really want to ask to have one!
Am I being a princess expecting her to throw me a shower?
I know money is tight for her and her husband as she is on Mat leave but even just arranging to go out for a meal or something would have been nice.
Now intros are starting I don't even think I will have time to attend one but it does hurt abit that she doesn't seem to care.

ChoccyJules Mon 14-Mar-16 11:46:34

Sounds to me like a mixture of two things: she has a young baby and that brings all manner of changes in social life participation and also, she may not be on the same wavelength as an adopter would be, in that she may not have equated your children coming with a baby shower.

FarrowandBallAche Mon 14-Mar-16 11:51:44

Congratulations smile
I can understand how disappointed you must be feeling especially after organising your friends baby shower. Could it be that your friend is just snowed under with the new baby thing?
Also I do think it doesn't enter some people's heads to celebrate a baby/child coming into a new family by adoption. I've seen so many different threads where people are leaving to do on leave without so much as a card! It must be really hurtful, especially when some pregnant women get a lot of fuss/gifts.

Try not to let this overshadow what is such a special time. flowers

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Mon 14-Mar-16 13:36:15

Honestly I would just ask! And she will probably get massively flustered and say 'oh yes, I did think...but I didn't know if you'd want. ..oh yes' or similar.

People don't know what to say or do with adoption so they are really stupid and need us to take them by the hand and pointedly guide them into JojoMamanBebe for an overpriced Jellycat rabbit.

researchbookworm Mon 14-Mar-16 14:06:14

It might not even be an adoption thing. I organised a baby shower for my best friend, but when I had my BC it never seemed to come up as an option. Not even vaguely thought about for our AC! Loads of people are uncertain how to handle adoption stuff so I agree with Narnia- if you want one ask for it directly. If it's too late now you could maybe go for something similar down the line to celebrate getting the adoption order...

vimtoqueen1 Mon 14-Mar-16 16:30:12

Thanks everyone. I have just had a lovely leaving meal and presents from work so that might jog her to thinking about something.
I don't think she is snowed under with the new baby and her husband isn't working at the moment so they are taking shifts when necessary but I do think it is more of a money thing and I really don't want to mention it to her if it is.
I am going to leave it and see if she does get a card or anything for my LO's in the next couple of weeks.
I am not going to let it overshadow my celebrations smile

Rainatnight Sat 19-Mar-16 18:21:53

Congratulations on your match flowers You must be SO excited.

You might find it helpful to read my 'Friends' thread currently on the go. Lots of experienced adopters told me that, unfortunately, some people just don't get their heads around it and can be a bit (or a lot) disappointing.

But the message I also took away is that you should just 'educate' people. Could you say something like, 'I know you must be wondering if is like to to anything to celebrate being matched, because this is obviously a bit unusual, so just to reassure you, I'd love it!'

ThisIsNotARealAvo Thu 24-Mar-16 18:32:59

I found that i got some presents and cards when I announced the match and then went on leave, and some quite surprising people gave me things and were really interested in what was happening. Others did nothing and quite a lot of people gave things to the children when they actually met them. So lots of your friends might wait until your children are placed and they meet them.

Italiangreyhound Sat 02-Apr-16 01:47:39

Sadly, I do think it is sometimes an adoption thing. A while before we adopted ds, while I was still having fertility treatment, three of my friends had babies. Despite it being quite hard to join in (emotionally) Idid join in with the baby shower. This was from a circle of NCT friends (we have a birth DD then aged about 7, now aged 11 so all these friends had similar aged children to me and the babies were their number two, three and four respectively for them!).

Anyway when I was able to announce a couple of years later the happy news we were adopting. At the time a good friend said she would organise a baby shower (same group of friends).

It never happened. She just never did it despite being one of my closest friends.

But luckily my work organised a joint shower for me and another woman who was adopting.

And I still have a gift token to use from that shower!

I never had a baby shower with DD (it was not so much of a 'thing' then) and I think in your shoes I would tell your closet friends that you would like a shower for your little one. Whether this is before they arrive or not.

You and they will need to adapt things as baby showers can be quite 'baby' centred (our DS was three when we adopted him) and also things like bump painting are out (although I have a big bump tummy and am regularly asked when my baby is due!).

It might be that people are worried about getting things wrong and so upsetting you - so make it clear if it would be more upsetting for this special event not to be acknowledged.

Also, it is best not to assume a case of 'I did this for you, so you do it for me'! Better to say to friends or family something like - "I would like a baby/New child shower but (if you agree) I can help organise it" So you could find someone else to help if this friend is not very forth coming.

This may be a good time to make wider family part of your plans or even reconnect with wider family as well as friends, if appropriate. Do you have any sibling/mum/mum-in-Law/cousins/friends who might be better able to organise it than your new mum friend?

Really, it should not cost a lot if all those coming bring a dish, a game and a bottle! And it would be a baby shower where the mum-to-be can drink! Good luck.

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