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Dd meeting family finders

(9 Posts)
waxinganowl Tue 01-Mar-16 15:42:47

DD (4.5) can sometimes act incredibly shy when people come to visit - even those she knows very well. I say 'act' because I suspect that this can sometimes be a misguided attention seeking act as she will occasionally tell me in advance that she is going to be shy today! She is also fine if we leave her with babysitters and school have commented how sociable and outgoing she is in class. Anyway, she will put on a baby voice, hang on to my leg and won't acknowledge anyone else talking directly to her. With a bit of encouragement this phase usually only lasts about ten minutes or so and then she is back to bring her normal talkative, confident and exuberant self. When we went through the assessment process this was not a problem as our original sw made the effort to talk and play with her on her first visit and so she relaxed in her company very quickly. We were approved to adopt at Christmas and unfortunately we now have a new sw who came to visit for the first time last month. DD didn't want to answer her initial question and sw then just ignored her for the rest of the 15min visit. Today I spoke to sw on the phone and she mentioned that she is very concerned that despite a strong assessment and profile, we will not get selected by a family finder because of DD's behaviour when meeting people. She is going to come again next week to see if there is any change. I am at a loss of what to do! I have tried talking to DD, preparing her and even offering a bribe if she cooperates but cannot guarantee anything. I can't exactly demand the sw plays with her and I doubt I could leave them alone for a bit (DD is rarely 'shy' for long if I'm not there). It would be a terrible shame for us to be ruled out by a family finder, when we know that this is not DD's usual self and that she would make an excellent big sister. Does anyone have any advice? Should I video her behaving 'normally'? Will shyness really count against us? Thanks.

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Tue 01-Mar-16 19:59:53

This is such bollocks.

Can you not just get old sw or her manager or someone to write a sentence to go in your PAR that says 'while owlet can be understandably fucking shy on meeting people, y'know, given that she's a fucking child and they are strangers, she soon warms to people and is a sociable outgoing child'

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Tue 01-Mar-16 20:06:27

I like the video idea too. Your sw sounds like a knob though. Not sure how either plan is going to sort that out...

waxinganowl Tue 01-Mar-16 20:52:04

Thanks for your reply - and I agree! Unfortunately the old sw left to go travelling. Will do a film and keep fingers crossed it will do.

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Tue 01-Mar-16 21:41:28

I do think it's your sw. I wouldn't worry too much about family finders they'll probably find some other ludicrous non-issue to quiz you about at tedious length

meercat23 Tue 01-Mar-16 22:07:37

Don't know if this will help but when my gd went through a similar phase we managed it by giving her something to do. Offering the biscuits or sugar or any little made up task you can think of. It gave her a centre stage role that she could manage and took her mind off being "shy"

researchbookworm Tue 01-Mar-16 22:47:29

Just to say that when the family finder and SWs came to meet us they were lovely with my dc (also age 4) and really went out of their way to engage with him. In fact I felt really awkward that for the first 15 minutes of the visit all they did was play a board game that my dc had chosen and in the end I had to intervene so that we could actually move on to talk about our potential AC! Obviously not all family finders are alike but hopefully you'll get a good one. I know a lot of SWs get bad press but all of the ones we encountered had a lot of common sense and wouldn't have been phased by a child being a bit shy. Good luck for your meeting :-)

waxinganowl Wed 02-Mar-16 08:56:01

Thanks everyone. Meercat will give your idea a go!

Threesocksnohairbrush Thu 03-Mar-16 22:00:14

I am not sure DDs social worker even met DS, who was a similar age at matching! While I think that was perhaps a bit far the other way, I do think most SWs should realise that 4 year olds are not performing seals and may very well be shy for a stranger.

What does it say in your PAR about DD? If not a lot, is it worth getting some supplementary letters from school or nursery just describing her?

I think it'll be fine.

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