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Advice needed

(7 Posts)
Teatime1972 Tue 16-Feb-16 13:45:48

I have a son approaching 18 and gave a child up for adoption when he was about 1 yr old. My nearly adult is not aware (and only limited number of family are) how should I introduce this in his life (I would hate there to be any approach possibly over social network that would potentially upset either child) but also do not wish to create a drama when there may not be any contact now or in the future - any advice would be appreciated.

Kr1stina Thu 18-Feb-16 20:31:11

Hi teatime , can I just check I understand your situation ?

You have a son of 18 and another child who you gave up for adoption as a toddler , is that right ? And now you are thinking about telling your son about it .

I agree that you need to tell your son as soon as possible.in an ideal world, you would have told him long before now , as he could easily have found out from your family or on social media . It's quite likely that he will be contacted some time soon by his sibling or half sibling .

You need to explain what happened and why you did what you did. I'm sure you had good reasons. He is not a child and hopefully will understand .you need to be prepared for him to be shocked and perhaps angry at you for a while .

What is your relationship like with your soN?

Do you have friends or family who can support you though this ?

Teatime1972 Fri 19-Feb-16 08:51:08

Hi thank you for responding, thought my issue too taboo!

I gave a child up when my son was just over a year, so the adopted child is 15 months younger than my son. There is very minimal knowledge within the family and so that is not an issue however social networking is my prime concern.

My relationship with my son is excellent we are extremely close however I would hate for him to think badly of me and also inform "others" of my decision, friends who may then tell their parents.

Kr1stina Fri 19-Feb-16 12:45:21

Goodness, please don't think your issue is taboo here on the adoption threads. We have other birth mothers here too, some who relinquished their child and others who didn't have a choice .

Others are adoptees or adoptive parents . But I think we all understand that life is complicated and peoples circumstances change over time. However you really need to tell your son now, however hard it is. It will be much worse if he hears from someone else .

I'm glad to hear that you have a close relationship with your son, this will help a lot . You need to be prepared that he will be shocked and probably a bit angry . This might be about you and the choices you made but maybe not.

It likely to be about his own feelings. He has a sibling he's never met - how does he feel about that ? Does he have other siblings or half siblings that he knows ? If not, this might have an even bigger impact on him .

He might want to trace his brother / sister - how would you feel about that ? You might not like it but your cant stop him.

Does he know about your relationship with the father of that child ? Did he know him too - was it his step father ? He will ask about him an what happened .

He might ask lots of difficult questions , such as why didn't you give him away too ? Why didn't gran or an aunt keep the baby ? How could you give away His brother or sister ?

He will no doubt ask why you haven't told him before .

Remember he's only 18. If you told your story to a stranger , they would probably be more tactful and avoid asking you these hard questions . But teenagers are not known for their tact, so he might be very blunt and angry .

This will be very hard. And I'm sure you will feel like he is judging you and blaming you . When he's probably not, he's just trying to understand what must have been a complicated situation ,with his very black and white teenaged logic.

Is there someone you could talk this through with in RL, to prepare yourself for telling your son? You need some support to help you deal with his reaction and perhaps strong feelings .

I think that once he has had a chance to come to terms with its he will be fine . But you need to give him some time , after all, it's taken you 16 years to talk about it so he won't he ok with it in a day.

Remember that none of this takes away anything from the love you have for him and the relathioship you've had for his whole life . That's a very solid foundation that can survive a few storms .

Haffdonga Fri 19-Feb-16 13:21:31

Teatime - your situation is not taboo unless you make it a taboo subject yourself. smile There are people on all sides of the adoption story on this board - no taboos here! (I'm not an adopter/adaoptee but am involved with people who are.)

I agree with Krisitina that you need to talk to your ds as soon as possible. The chances are that your adopted dc is already of the age to be searching social media for info about their birth family. It's even possible that contact with your son has already been made.

I know a family whose teenaged son discovered that he had a sibling through Facebook contact. It created an extremely difficult situation where everybody knew but nobody dared to admit they knew or talk about it with each other. I know there was a lot of hurt and anger from the teenager that his parents didn't tell him.

You ask how to introduce this. I'd say the answer is as calmly and openly as you can, by sitting down at a quiet, low stress time (not a special event) and telling your ds you have to tell him something important to say. And just say it.

As Kristina says, be prepared for anger and shock, lots of questions or none. You may also have to be prepared for it not to be a family secret any more. A lot of teens prefer to process things with their close friends rather than family, so your ds may want to do that.

Good luck Teatime It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your ds. It will be OK. thanks

Teatime1972 Fri 19-Feb-16 13:55:50

Thank you for taking the time.

My prime concern is Facebook. There was letterbox contact during the initial years but this trailed off quite quickly.

We do have a fabulous relationship he has two older step siblings but has been the focus of my life (in fact is my life).

Could be that the next few months are tricky I envisage waiting until after his birthday celebrations as I would hate my actions to detract from the focus which should be him.

I will update - any further advice or comments will be much appreciated

Italiangreyhound Sat 20-Feb-16 23:37:36

Hi Teatime I agree with Kristina, you need to tell him. If he finds out from someone else, it will be much more difficult for him and you, IMHO.

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