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I never thought it's because he's adopted..

(8 Posts)
Ineedachange Wed 13-Jan-16 13:04:50

We've been married now for almost 14 years...can hardly believe it.
DH is a good man.To meet him at first his intelligence and standoffishness can be intimidating. As soon as we met he told me he was adopted.

We have two DC's 9 and 11. But sometimes being married to him is sooo hard...and it's always my fault.
It's always me who starts the arguments, he's always sickeningly reasonable.
I try and think about why when everything is okay I feel I have to provoke him, hes never too happy or passionately angry. It's me who is desperately temperamental, he's always so rational. In fact when I get properly angry the worst thing I can possibly say, and probably the only thing that will eventually provoke him is threatening to leave him. Problem with that is it will take months for him to trust me again, he will never accept it's simply something I've said because I'm soo angry.
I have never considered the fact that he's adopted although I'm aware that despite his excrutiatingly rational demeanor he has a deep-seated fear of abandonment - it took me years to work that out.
Now I feel like I'm at a crunch point and I need help.

Is there anyone here got experience to share or could recommend good reading please?

Boredofthinkingofnewnames Wed 13-Jan-16 13:56:55

It may be rooted in the facth that he's adopted. Or it may not.

I'm adopted. If my husband threatned to leave every time he got pissed off I'd be angry too. Easier to change your behaviour than look for reasons in his?

Kewcumber Wed 13-Jan-16 14:07:15

I'm not sure why given the description of the relative behaviour of both of you that you're looking for a reason behind his behaviour?!

Perhaps he's just not very emotional.

I'm not emotional (and also not adopted) and if my partner was more emotional (which has happened) then I cope fine. If they tried to provoke arguments and when I didn't bite threatened to leave me then I'd let them. And I wouldn't trust them either - I'd think they were a flaky drama llama who will take off when they don't get the appropriate amount of attention.

At best I'd think that they were deliberately trying to hurt me using something that they knew upset me - it's not difficult to see why he finds it hard to trust you afterwards. You're trying to hurt him and its working. Why aren't you looking for books to explain your beheviour and change it confused

Ineedachange Wed 13-Jan-16 14:28:36

And you're both right
I have spent a long time trying to explain my own behaviour to myself and him, and as I've always accepted the fact its my fault. I hate it about myself, I really do.
...But what I want to know it why he's the only person I EVER lose my temper with, and why is it always my fault I'm reacting to him. I know I'm pushing him. It drives me bonkers. I just wish I could get him to open up more, I really do. It's like I need soemthing from him and I can't get through to him.
In fact, I don't think I'd ever leave him in a fit of temper, ever. I'd leave him because I hate the way he makes me feel, he can bring out the worst in me... and I'm tired of it.
I'm not sure if I'm making sense.

Kewcumber Wed 13-Jan-16 14:40:29

It's like I need soemthing from him and I can't get through to him.

It sounds like you need him to be a different person and he isn;t. It's difficult to marry someone and then expect them to be a different personality type.

Will he discuss issues rationally when you want to (rather than you provoking an argument about it ) - is it the drama/emotion you need or the discussion.

To be honest I'm really not sure that he makes you feel anything or brings out the worst in you, that really implies that he is to blame and unless you're missing something fundamental out, then it isn't.

What you are saying is - I want to be married to someone more emotional.

I'm not married so I'm not a great person to give advice (not that it stops me!) - but can;t you get the openness/discussion from someone else - friends, mother sister counsellor?

Couple therapy might help but I suspect it will only teach him and you to talk to each other, it won;t change the person he is.

KumquatMay Wed 13-Jan-16 14:44:05

OP, this is what strikes me about what you've said - I'll summarise it briefly otherwise I'll ramble for ages:

- Your DH responds very differently than you do to some things, you show you care about something by getting emotional and he doesn't This might not mean he doesn't care, perhaps you just have very different temperaments and emotional thresholds. What is it you're wanting from your DH? What is it you're wanting him to get angry or passionate about and why? Honestly, it sounds a bit like you're struggling to regulate your own emotions and his reasonableness is making you feel worse about it? Could that be the case?
- Sometimes people's weaknesses are also their strengths, and often the things we find most frustrating in a partner are also the things that (on the flipped) we also really value. So it's possible that you were really drawn to the calm stability of your DH, but now see it as him being remote or unavailable. The thing is, you can't have one without the other. If your DH wasn't like this, he also wouldn't be the calm, reasonable person you were drawn to. I often find it easier to cope with my DH's weaknesses by remembering that they are also part of the thing I really appreciate about him.

I hope this isn't psychobabbly, it's just the things that came to mind when reading your posts. All the best flowers

Ineedachange Wed 13-Jan-16 15:28:08

Kewcumber - again you are right. And no I don't discuss this with my family because ultimately, I feel like it's my fault.

KumquatMay - you make absolutely perfect sense and we simply wouldn't have been together for 16 years if I wasn't aware of this on some level.

Maybe it's just one of those days and I'm feeling I'm down.

Thanks ladies

I say it here because I could never say this out loud... hindsight can be a pain in the backside. I tried to end our relationship before we got married, and he's so bloody persuasive he convinced me that we had something good, said he loved me so many times. He left New Zealand to be here with me, we got engaged living in London. I left London and he came after me again. We got married. And I know, I know it's my bed I have to lie in it.
I know he loves me but sometime I just wish I'd had the guts to end it when it never felt like enough for me.

...And then I see our children... and I'm so proud of them. And he is a very good man. And I know it's all my fault

It's just recently I read about the red flags of adult adoptees in relationships and it all falls into place. If I'd know about it sooner, been less naive, maybe I'd have had more confidence to handle it better.

mybloodykitchen Wed 13-Jan-16 20:32:02

red flags of adult adoptees in relationships But this sounds more like your attachment issues than his tbf!

Attachment problems aren't by any means confined to adoptees. 'Adopted' isn't a euphemism for 'screwed up'. There was a study that found that a huge proportion of adults (40%? 60%?) have attachment issues. So it might be you, not him.

Going to have to stop confidently asserting scientific fact unless I cba to back it up soon. That's twice today. ..

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