I want to give my unborn child up for adoption

[Oliviaemerson]

If you read my other thread you will understand why and how this has come about. In short I am 19 and pregnant with my second, a full time uni student and also have bipolar so this seems like the only "kind" option. I'm hoping this baby would be a blessing to someone and that in return it would get a better life than I could give. I'm 11 weeks pregnant.
I have several questions regarding the adoption process:
1: if I give my child up for adoption will the child I already have be looked in to? (I can cope with him and I would be heartbroken if they took him off of me because of this, I just can't cope with two)

2: are there many people that want to adopt newborns or is it likely he/she will end up in the care system?

3: will my child being mixed race (half black half white) impact how fast my child gets adopted?

4: who can I contact to start or find out more information regarding the process

[FestiveBalls]

Hello,

I replied to your other thread but just to answer the questions above to the best of my knowledge:

1. If you give up your baby you will work with a social worker who will support you through the process. They will want to ensure the best outcome for you and both of your children. If your first child is well looked after and cared for and there has been no previous concerns then I can't see that it would come into the equation although they will probably want to talk about the impact of having a sibling adopted would have on them in the future.
   

1. Yes there are lots of people who would adopt a young baby, they wouldn't be in the care system long.
   

1. Mixed race wouldn't slow up the process at all. There are lots of families made up in different ways looking to adopt so the baby could be placed within a mixed race family I'm sure if that was your preference.
   

1. Speak to your midwife or LA adoption agency. They will be able to give you the best advice and go through all of the various issues/process etc. It's a big decision to make and not one anyone would take lightly so you need support which they will be able to give you.
   

Hope that helps a bit. Take care of yourself, you are being very brave.

[Italiangreyhound]

Oliviaemerson no advice to give you but just wanted to say I am sorry you are in this situation and I hope you will find help where you are, for the process and for all the emotions attached to it.

[fasparent]

Suggest you contact your Community Nurse Partnership a New Service which started in may, which will have best advice and experience regards too all your options //www.nursefamileypartnership.org can click on too nearest service too your area phone and seek advice. Know they can support you through your education, have experience of this brilliant service.
Wish you all the best which ever route you decide.

Kindest Regards

[fasparent]

UK Webb address for family Nurse Partnership is //www.fnp.nhs.uk

Regards

[fasparent]

Back again Olivia thought would be better too say briefly how Nurse partnership works. Which ever route you take you will be allocated a nurse partner who will be there for you through out your pregnancy and beyond help you with any issues , visits every week far better too use these in the 1st instant rather than LA or social services they will help you through the latter, and be there too support you even if you decide too keep baby their service would extend until baby is around 2 years of age . will advise and help you in all areas, more of a best friend , Know from personal experience with other teens would be your best option too take at your present stage.

[Kr1stina]

Hi Olivia

I'm sorry to hear you are in this difficult situation .

One thing I wanted to mention is that if you do want to proceed with adoption , children's services will try to place your baby within his / her extended family first . So they will contact your family and also the baby's father and his family .

Your baby's father will of course have the choice to raise his child if he wishes , if you don't .

If you have concerns about the family member, you do of course have the right to express them and explain why you think they are unsuitable . But CS have to act in the best interest of your child and not simply according to your wishes .

[fasparent]

Fortunately over the last few years Olivia outcomes for teens like your self have moved forward with NHS involvement rather than Social Services both now work together, too main object too KEEP family's together too prevent children being put into care, so would be against modern principle
too do this , hence the high level of continual support, through out teens pregnancy and beyond, help with, child care, education, employment, housing , you will not be alone should have a mentor Nurse too help you through everything.

[Italiangreyhound]

Olivia I've been having a think about your 4 questions and wanted to give some tentative answers now I have thought more....

Part of me feels I can't really help as I don't know much about the bi polar condition and I have never been in your shoes. However, I am mum to a child by birth, dd aged 11; and by adoption, ds aged 5. I can tell you a bit about the adoption process from the side of the adopter.

1: if I give my child up for adoption will the child I already have be looked in to?

I don't know for sure but I would imagine they will want to talk to you about you and your child and they will be interested in what is best for all of you. Social services do not want to disrupt normal happy families, or even slightly dysfunctional ones, they have enough to do with families who are totally falling apart for I am pretty sure there would be no 'danger' from them. I would say our family is a normal one but at times maybe we are slightly dysfunctional with my dd and ds having some meltdowns, kids sometimes late for school, dd refusing to do homework etc etc - so when I speak of 'slightly dysfunctional' I am thinking of me not anyone else!

2: are there many people that want to adopt newborns or is it likely he/she will end up in the care system?

Nowadays many (if not all) adopters have been through a rigours process (in the UK), both of selection and of training and are often people who do desperately want to parent children, a child or another child in additional to birth children. One would find it hard to get through the process if one did not really want to parent a child by adoption and were not well prepared to do it. Such people would often be delighted to have the chance to adopt a newborn, although they would not be adopted straight away and would likely be in short term foster care before being adopted. Sometimes they will be fostered to adopt etc. But there are no guarantees about how long it would take etc.

3: will my child being mixed race (half black half white) impact how fast my child gets adopted?

I really do not know. I doubt it. Many people (like dh and I) were totally open to adopting a child of mixed heritage. In fact we did apply to adopt a child of mixed heritage, or rather we expressed interest in adoption for a specific child but the adoption services were keen to find a family that reflected the child's background so we were not encouraged to go further. We adopted a while child (and we are white) but that is nothing to do with our preferences, and many adopters I have spoken to are very open about ethnicity/heritage, so I would not let this worry you.

4: who can I contact to start or find out more information regarding the process

You can contact your local social services wherever you are living.

Now may I ask a few questions?

Please can I ask if you have accessed any counselling to help you make this decision?

The internet can be helpful in providing information for you, you could Google around and take a look at ....

www.baaf.org.uk/info/pregnant

But I really think talking to someone in real life could help. The earlier you begin talking to anyone the longer time you have to make a considered decision and to access all the help you can.

E.G.

Do you really know you could not cope or could you cope with the right help?

The feelings you have now for your young child you would one day have for your new baby, so you might one day regret giving them up for adoption. How will you deal with that?

Does the baby's father know that you are pregnant and thinking of adoption? I am not saying anything about this, just asking.

In terms of your bi-polar is there any support for bi-polar parents which you could access?

Many other posters may well have more experience and knowledge about all this but I wanted to chip in a few thoughts and say I am thinking of you and wishing you well at this difficult time.

[Italiangreyhound]

PS I can't vouch for the link, I linked to, I just found it and it looked interesting.

[combined02]

You have had some great advice already. Mine is that you should read as many threads in this section as is feasible so that you can get a handle on the realities of adoption. There is a long "newbies" thread by people who have just decided to go for adoption, many of whom have tried and failed to conceive and are now desperate to adopt; there was a support thread for adoptees a little while ago; there are some threads with nice stories and many adopters struggling and many asking for advice on specific points; some by mothers whose dc were adopted, and so on. I would also google a bit further as with the wonders of the internet there are many people who have been involved in adoption telling their stories, and articles in newspapers. I would work out why you think some adoptions work out and some don't after reading it all, and give some thought to the kind of person you would want to adopt your child, and the kind of upbringing, so that you can check your hopes against likely realities. I hope that that makes sense.

If you decided to keep your child, would you be able to take a break from your course? That would have been possible in my day, though that was a while ago.

I wish you the very best, and hope you get some great support in real life.

[NeitherQuietNorCalm]

Just to say being bipolar doesn't mean you can't look after a child. I'm bipolar and had the support of the perinatal team. Stayed well throughout pregnancy and beyond, have a lovely, happy DS.

[Oliviaemerson]

Hi thanks for all your replies. I've briefly read them and will reply in more detail later when I have the time. I feel that it is the right decision rather than keeping the baby myself as personally I do not want two children with two different dads at 19. Aside from that perhaps selfish reason, I do not want this to impact my sons life and I know it will. It's likely I will have to drop out of uni (although I carried on last year when I was pregnant but with two it may be not possible) I'm also stressed out enough as it is especially with my bipolar (that's not being treated at the moment because I'm pregnant and still breastfeeding my son) it's very hard. Thankfully I have my mums support (wouldn't be able to have him with out it) but I doubt she would be able to give the same support with two children as she works and also has young children of her own. I want to have another child when I'm in the correct position to do so and when mentally I am better off than I am now. I won't go in to detail about my mental health but it is serve and one of the main reasons I don't feel able to abort. I do however feel I could do an adoption, maybe I couldn't but time will tell. But at the moment I truly believe I would have minimal issues in doing so, especially if I know the babies going to a good family.

I have spoken to the father again regarding these plans. He has supprised me. He has said he would rather take custody of the child himself. He has said he would still let me see it if that's what I wanted but he would prefer for the baby to be with him. How would this process work out if I decided to choose this option regarding health visitors, custody etc? For example would we both just sign the birth certificate and then the baby would go and live with him? He lives 3 hours away from me which is why I'm wondering as we have different doctors etc

Obviously he's also young and even though he says this, he might change his mind which is very likely so I still am thinking of the adoption in case that does happen.

[NeitherQuietNorCalm]

Who is advising you against treatment while pregnant and breastfeeding? You can still take most medication, please get better advice.

[Italiangreyhound]

Olivia how do you feel about the baby's dad taking her or him?

Can I ask if you and the baby's dad are still in a relationship? If you were living closer or together would things change do you think? Or is that not an option? Is the baby's dad at home with his parents or living independently?

Sorry for all these questions.

Please do talk to your GP about bi-polar meds. There may be lots of info on the Internet but I think your GP needs to know you are breast feeding and pregnant and not taking meds, if that is the case.

Good luck.

Keep posting if it helps you.

[fasparent]

Think you do need support soonest Olivia, this is why is best contacting
Family Nurse Partnership, they will do most of the things you are asking will also work with Father if this is required along side social services, so you will never be on your own at this difficult time, and help you through all the difficulty and complicated challenges you are about too face, you do need support soonest so Contact //www.fnp.nhs.uk your Midwife or Local Authority social services. Sure your UNI will also have will also have advocacy you can confine in. better you don't face everything alone at this time when emotions are up and down.

wish you well X

[Oliviaemerson]

The babies dad lives in London and I live in Bournemouth (so quite far away over 100 miles) he had a friend that went to uni in my area which is how I met him (when he came to visit his friend) but his friends left uni so he no longer comes to my area. I don't think I would consider getting in to a relationship with him as we realised we are completely different people and I just feel it would not work. He is also 19 and lives at home still. If he wanted to take the baby I wouldn't be able to object obviously as I don't really have any concerns about him himself nor his family or his home, but I would worry about how my child would see this situation when they're old enough to understand. For example they may wonder where their mum is (as typically it's more "normal" to not have a dad but to have a mum) it also won't have the typical "mum and dad" and family home that would likely be given by someone who would adopt. The child would grow up knowing that their dad is bringing them up because their mum didn't want too and they might resent me for that when they're older. I also worry that if it's a girl she might need a mum more than if it was a boy. I feel like if he did take the baby I would have to see it as I would feel too bad not to as he would allow me. The only issue is I would prefer not to and prefer for the baby just to have a normal family life if possible even if it's not biological.

The doctor advised me to come of bipolar meds when I was pregnant with my first which I did. After I had him I never went back to the doctors as I felt fine (stupidly, think I was in mania) then i started feeling off a few months ago but did nothing about it as I was more in mania than depression so I didn't notice the problems (but mania does bring just as much issues just you don't realise till after) I then fell pregnant again and haven't been back as assumed same advise as when I was first pregnant. I am going to the doctors again soon because even when I was on meds they didn't seem to help much. I feel I could possibly have bpd as well as or instead of bipolar and I want to raise those concerns to them. How I feel reflects bpd (although I know that and bipolar is very similar)

[FestiveBalls]

I can sympathise with where you are coming from as to why you might not want the baby's father to raise the baby but to look at it from a different perspective, if the baby is adopted by a completely different family they would still face the feelings of rejection by their mum and also an additional enormous sense of loss at not being allowed to belong to their fathers family who very much would've wanted them yet they were deprived of.

It's an impossibly difficult decision either way but where possible it is always best for a child to be raised within their biological family and so the baby's father should have an opportunity to raise his child. This is his child too at the end of the day and he should have a say and an opportunity to raise the child if you feel that you can't and social services would want to explore this.

[Hels20]

Olivia - I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. If the birth father takes the baby, then maybe you can also still see baby from time to time - which will be better in long run I would have thought for both of you. Does the birth father have a supportive family?

Also - if baby is given up for adoption - your child could be adopted by a single parent or by two gay men - so might not have the mother/father home that you are thinking about. You would get some say but the LA would decide ultimately as the care of the child is with them.

I wonder if you need time to digest this news and maybe- with right support - you could keep your baby.

[hookliedandsinkedher]

I assume this got bumped by an inappropriate message, but it feels a good opportunity to ask how things are?

I hope you're well and supported, whatever your decision. Those early days of pregnancy, trying to do what's best, can be hard.

[2old2beamum]

Have just read your post. You are mirroring our ADDs birth mothers situation. Like you it was BMs second pregnancy and she was caring for her son. Before our ADD was born BM requested adoption for the baby as she was classified as homeless. ADD was also mixed race.

There was no question of first child being removed as she was a good mum who felt the new baby would be better? off with a new family. DD was placed with us when she was 5 months old.
I wish you all the best and grab all the support you can get
Just another thought DD was born she was diagnosed with Down Syndrome and we were 1 of 3 couples who wanted to adopt her!

[luckylucky24]

SuzNne019 - The majority of the posters here are British and adoption is much more formal than in the US. I don't think you will find prospective parents on here. I hope you are well and find loving parents for your twins. Good luck.