Right, finally got to a laptop.
Post adoption depression
The thought occurred to me, but I'm almost sure that isn't the case. I've had depression before and although I know it isn't always the same, I have no other symptoms. It's something I'll keep an eye on though.
Your post sounds exhausted, and burned out. Could you have been trying so hard to achieve that ideal bond and mythical "stability" that it's left you feeling emptied out?
I am knackered, that's true. We have been thorough a lot of change in the last year - other than the children being placed - and life never seems to sit still for so much as a moment. Added into that, the DC both have trouble sleeping. Something we expected the odd night of at 6 and 5 years old (now 8 and 6) but not 3-4 nights a week.
I know I shouldn't worry about it but I never seem to have time to do things like get the house properly clean and where I was previously organised I now forget things like taking raffle prizes into school. I know I should forget it and prioritise spending time with the kids, but I just struggle to do that. You write about bonding occurring when you 'cleared your head' - to me, getting organised so I'm not stressing about the small stuff is part of that if that makes sense.
Yes - I also think over-analysing the 'lack of bonding' has led to me feeling mentally worn but not too sure how to stop doing that either!
Can you do something for yourself, no matter how small, to stop absolutely everything being about the DC?
Other than the odd night out I haven't done this enough. I will think of something in the New Year and schedule it in.
Amber Elliott's "Why can't my child behave?"
Thank you for the suggestion - I'll look it up
Are they legally adopted yet?
Yes
How would you feel if they were ill or SS said they were leaving?
They're hardly little souls bless them and we haven't had much illness, but if SS said they were leaving? I think I'd be bereft. But shouldn't I know that for sure?
can I ask what you would describe as "bonded" versus where you are currently? I guess I'm asking what your perception of the bond is/how you think it should feel?
Good question! I guess I feel like I should like my kids more! I see parents teaching their children things for example like counting and it seems to come so naturally to them, like they're really getting something out of engaging with their kids. I have to make a really conscious effort to spend time with them (I don't think this is helped by the fact that they're popular and have lots of friends on the street so are out and about/with friends a lot) But I feel if I don't spend time with them now, what is our relationship going to be like in future? Everything just feels like a bit of a struggle and I just don't seem to get any 'joyous' moments where my heart is swelling and I'm genuinely proud of them. I know that sounds awful and I truly believe the fault in that last statement is mine and not theirs - like my empathy has been switched off? I guess I feel if I were more bonded the crap bits to good bits ratio would be better - and the catch 22 situation is I feel like if I were more bonded to them, I'd be less irritated by them and I'd therefore be having more fun with them so the crap bit to good bit ratio would be better!
Would moving away from physical contact be something you experience in your wider relationships too (e.g., do you feel irritated by your partner being physically affectionate in the same circumstances?)
That's a difficult one. DH is not physically affectionate at all (he is very affectionate in other ways though so - until you'd asked that question - I'd never really noticed it). But yes - constant pawing from a partner would have the same affect on me in those circumstances. Interesting.
Are you having fun together with kids? Without kids?
Fun together with kids? Not really. For a number of reasons. They are typical fun suckers. It is really hard to do any activity with them without it turning into a nightmare to be honest. I know my expectations of them are too high sometimes. I don't know what activities to do with them where we can enjoy ourselves together (rather than me take them somewhere for them to go off by themselves)
Fun without kids?
Again not much - DM is great and will babysit but DH has had a torrid time lately so I can't say I've had too much fun with him either lately. However, one positive is that his dramas have recently come to an end so hopefully after recharging for a while, we'll get back to where we were. We used to have great fun!
You might have another physical illness, such as thyroid disease , which is making you depressed
Hmm. I will look into this. Thanks.
Your kids might have attachment issues ( despite what you are being told ) and your feelings are a symptom of their problems
Is there anywhere that I can go to see a long list of clues that show that someone is attached? All I keep seeing is 'come to you when ill, take comfort from you when upset' - well yes and yes. But I do sometimes wonder if they are really attached
You are burnt out from a year of such hard work
You are misinterpreting normal signs of being a mum to demanding kids ( so you think you should always feel loving towards them
You are an introvert and so find it very hard to cope with all the noise , constant demand , touching and the lack of space and quiet
Yes yes and yes to those!!!!
People have told me to watch him sleep. Well I just thank my stars he is asleep!!
Oh god a thousand times this. I also just wonder what time at night they're going to wake me up and what excuse they're going to use!
I'm not trying to minimise what you're feeling just trying to point out what others have said which is that some of what you're feeling is normal for any parent of small children.
That's not minimising. It's really helpful.
I would identify one thing in particular that you think is a problem and try to address that. Which thing bothers you most at the moment - I don't mean a generic "I don;t feel bonded" but what one practical thing bothers you most?
I feel like, when they're busy like playing or watching TV I should go and make more of an effort to engage with them - and, more than that, I should WANT to go and engage with them. Instead, when they are playing by themselves or watching TV, I'm sat in the kitchen with a glass of wine cuppa thanking my lucky stars that I have some peace. Which would be fine but sometimes they do this for most of the day and before I know it I've spent the day in a different room from them and it's their bedtime. And then the guilt starts and I promise to do better next day.
I think my advice would be fake it till you make it. It's tough but you are not alone and are not a bad parent or anything else.
Also sometimes people don't bond with birth children very well. My sister took months to bond with one of her babies.
Thank you - that helps.
I think most fondly of mine when they're asleep and I'm looking at photos of them. All the cute, none of the irritating
I am going to get some nice photos of them and pop them up on the walls. Couple of you have said that now and it seems a practical thing to do. We have some up but they're early days ones and we have much more meaningful ones to put up now.
And I'm sure I was better able to bond with mine because I was able to have one to one time with each rather than us always being in a group of three or four. Is it feasible that you could try that?
We get very little one on one time. Normally it's those two with just me. I will speak to DH and see what we can do.
Thank you again for all your replies. They really have helped.