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meeting birth parents

(10 Posts)
Desmoulinsonatable Wed 28-Oct-15 07:25:01

We are meeting the LOs' BPs soonish. They are school age and taken into care in 2014 so very strong links and memories. Does anyone have any suggestions for questions to ask. There is obviously all the baby questions about pregnancy, early childhood etc but any suggestions would be most welcome. Also if any of the amazing first mums on here are willing, what would you have liked to know? What questions would you like adoptive parents to ask? I know this is a hugely emotive and difficult subject, but I really hope that it can be a positive, for the first parents, for us and most importantly for the LOs - now and in the future. Thank you.

Desmoulinsonatable Wed 28-Oct-15 17:51:24


raggydolls22 Wed 28-Oct-15 19:05:05

Hi des. Before I met birth mum our social worker sat down with me and we made a list of questions to ask her, I don't know what you social worker is like but ours gave us lots of good idead. I'm not sure I can remember them all but some were:
What music do you like
What films/TV do you like
Pet names for LO
Are you left/right handed
Are you outdoorsy or a town person
Our LO is only young so my questions werent really led much by what she is like but maybe your little ones do stuff that you want to know if birth parents do, eg nail biting or hummimg to themselves lots. Also are there physical features you want to know if birth parents have eg particularly wide feet, its really hard thinking of examples!!!
I found that birth mum just kind of talked at me about LO which is common apparently.
I hope that's of some help, I hope your meeting goes well, for what it's worth I'm really glad I met birth mum.

researchbookworm Wed 28-Oct-15 19:53:30

We recently met our LOs birth parents. It was a v stange encounter but we were really glad we had done it. We were encouraged to think of just two questions in advance and they were asked to do the same for us. We then had a bit of time to think about our answer before we actually met them. Unsurprisingly the meeting was quite strained at first but we did all gradually relax and far more was talked about than in the planned questions. We learnt a lot about the wider family and general family politics which really helped us get a better understanding of the situation, although of course a lot of this had been in the CPR. Things we weren't expecting were info on family traditions- special things they do at Christmas, summer holidays etc. which we can now incorporate into our own celebrations, and tell our AC that their birth family do it too.

Before we went into the meeting we were obviously apprehensive about what they would ask us, but I thought that, although they might not say it, the most important thing that they would really want to know was that their DC was going to a good place and would be loved (at least that is what I imagine I would want to know in that situation). As a result I made a point of specifically telling them that we would love our AC and always do our very best for them. I don't know if this really helped in any way but I felt it was important to say...

Good luck with your meeting- I hope you find it as valuable as we did.

Desmoulinsonatable Wed 28-Oct-15 20:32:58

Thank you both so much. Really helpful. I'm weirdly looking forward to it in a trepidatious way.

raggydolls22 Thu 29-Oct-15 08:43:41

Oh also, I've just remembered that I took some prints of LOs hands which birth mum really appreciated. It worked out well because birth mum had brought some books and toys to give to LO so Im glad I didn't go empty handed.

K1mberly Thu 29-Oct-15 13:24:29

i know lots of A parents who have met birth family members and no one has regretted it , they all found it stressful but very very worthwhile .

jingscrivenshelpmaboab Thu 29-Oct-15 15:16:04

We met birth mum a few months ago - everyone was very nervous (including the SW), but it went well, and was very useful. We found out a lot of medical info for wider family which wasn't in the CPR, and what birth mum liked doing when she was a child (some shared interests we can talk about with DS). Our DS is also school age and has strong recent memories, so we were keen to find out more about the early years. Some of the questions had vague replies, such as what DS was like as a baby, and some comments were 'borrowed' from our settling in letter, so try to manage your expectations. At the end birth mum said she was pleased to have met us and could see that DS was in the right place - big lump in throat, and such a lovely thing to be able to tell DS.

We said something similar to research re reassuring birth mum, and thanked her for being as honest as she was able to be. I think it must be really hard for birth family to do.

anxious123 Thu 29-Oct-15 15:56:49

I met my birth sons forever mum, I got the impression the SWs normally 'structure' it to some degree but in honesty we just talked and had a photo taken for his life story book. She asked me the significance of one of the gifts I'd given to him. We talked about my interests in childhood, and I learnt something's about their family life I.e our dogs share a name.

Highly emotional and I can't thank his mum enough

Desmoulinsonatable Thu 29-Oct-15 22:24:09

Thank you all so much, really grateful to you all for the input, it has given us much food for thought.

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