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Adopting when you have a BC

(10 Posts)
MrsOs Wed 21-Oct-15 14:13:16

Hi, Basically my dh and I looked into adoption years ago after we went through unsuccessful infertility treatment and were told it was very unlikely we would ever conceive naturally.

Then to our astonishment we fell pregnant naturally (a total miracle). Our DS is now nearly 3 and I am starting to think more and more that it would be lovely to extend our family and perhaps we should consider adoption to do that.

I think you can still be considered for adoption if you have a BC, is that right? It would be great to hear from anyone who has successfully adopted after having a BC and to hear how it went.


Devora Wed 21-Oct-15 18:52:45

You can adopt after BC, and a number of adopters here have done so (me included). It does limit the children you can adopt, though. Firstly because you will only be considered for children at least 2 years younger than your BC (and some agencies insist on 3/4 years younger); also because there are many children in care who need to be the only child in the family due to their high care needs.

My adopted child is 4 years younger than my birth child, and has been with us for over 5 years (she is now 6). They are very much sisters, and they do love each other but they also fight like cats. I do sometimes wonder, though, if dd2 should be an only child - she needs/wants a huge amount of attention and her older sister gets very squeezed out. There's also a lot of dynamics to be managed through life story work.

So broadly I'm really happy I have both an adopted child and a birth child, but there is a lot to think through and I would caution against thinking it's necessarily straightforward.

Hels20 Wed 21-Oct-15 19:08:51

Devora has experience in adopting with birth child and her words are wise.

However, in the last 18 months, the number of placement orders has dried up because of re B-S - and so I think you may find it very difficult to be accepted by a VA/LA for a year or two because your child is only 3 and they want at least 2 years between youngest and oldest child. We successfully adopted a boy almost 2 years ago and have started exploring adoption again but have been rejected by 3 LAs because they don't think they would be able to place a child with us that is 3 years or under (our DS is nearly 5). They told me that unless we are black or mixed race (we are not) or would be willing to adopt a child with significant disabilities - they don't think they would be able to find a child.

I live in London- so might be different where you are. And of course your ethnicity might be different. And you might be ok about waiting to start the process for a couple of years. But just wanted to "warn" you as I have found the rejection hard to take....

Ps I think me and DH are reasonably normal....

Stampingduck Wed 21-Oct-15 19:27:36

We adopted with a birth child. She was just 2 when we started the process and 3 when our adopted little one came along (18m between them). We were reassured the youngest was typical although did have a diagnosis (it just wasn't a concern at that time) she has turned out to have quite significant needs and it has really impacted my birth daughter and our family as a whole. If I could turn back the clock I would probably advise to wait until your birth child is older, but equally I love that they are so close in age. Maybe my advice is be very aware that a lot of adopted children will have additional needs, even when on paper they haven't.
Now off to change my name as this will totally out me ;)
Good luck whatever you decide!!

slkk Wed 21-Oct-15 21:34:02

I have older step children who were age 10 and 12 when ds came home age 3 so there was a significant age gap. They were involved in the process and really really love their little brother. He is very needy and the first year had some very dark days. As they were old enough to understand, no real damage was done and they accept him as he is. However the 10 year old did regress and became quite childishly competitive. I think with children closer in age it would have been more challenging. One of the advantages to our family setup is that the older kids can escape to their dm for some peace every now and again, and this also gives ds some time to be our sole focus which most kids need at times, especially adopted kids. So for us it has been a great positive. The three children really feel like siblings and I hope they will grow up and look out for each other forever. But it is important to manage all of them and this has been very challenging at times and I'm really glad we didn't do it when dsc were any younger.

JaneDonne Wed 21-Oct-15 21:54:04

We have a 5 yo bc and a 2 yo ac who came home at 10 months. It is easily the best decision we have ever made and our children love each other more than I could ever have imagined possible. Watching them spontaneously hug one another or dd2 toddle up to ddd and reach for her hand is just amazing.

Who knows what the future holds for us. But the weirdest and most wonderful part of the whole adoption journey for me has been watching these two little people who didn't ask for any of this and haven't read any book and don't know anything about trauma or building attachment find one another. smile

researchbookworm Wed 21-Oct-15 22:27:01

We too have one of each. Our BC is 4 and our AC under 1- we are only 2 months into placement so still quite new adoptive parents! I thought I'd post as evidence that these placements do still happen despite recent court cases- we know another family in our LA who are in an identical situation and had their AC placed just a few weeks before us. A lot will depend on where you are in the country, and you may have to try a few agencies but I think it should be possible if this is what you are drawn to.
Obviously early days still for us but we are thrilled with how it is all going- totally worth all the stress/anxiety during the approval and matching process!

Devora Wed 21-Oct-15 23:32:50

Hels isn't remotely normal, she is quite ridiculously glamorous in the flesh. Not at all how you'd imagine a MN adopter...

But seriously, Hels, I'm very sorry about the knock back. The adoption journey can be so brutal.

PicaK Thu 22-Oct-15 14:41:03

My experience is the same as Hels. So few children coming through and people who have ALL their time and attention to devote to a little one are going to be ahead of you every time. It makes complete sense but noone really spelt it out to us at the start.
I now have a birth dc aged 6 who has met social workers and been asked to imagine sharing his toys etc. We've been open and involved him - because the process demands you do. I'm bloody angry that i'm the one mopping up tears after school photo day because he hasn't got a new little sibling yet. I completely buy into how it's all done for the benefit of the adopted child but noone seems to care about my little one and i wish i'd given that a bit more thought.

DeccaMitfordsEntryVisa Sun 25-Oct-15 18:59:46

Hi, we adopted with a BC.

DD1 was almost 5 when DD2, then 14 months, came to live with us.

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