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Has anybody ever felt indifferent about a link with a positive outcome?

(14 Posts)
Zephyroux Mon 12-Oct-15 18:04:22

Hello, I have been reading this board for a while and would firstly like to thank the regular posters for their wisdom and thoughtfulness in their posts.

Our adoption story so far has been that we have been approved for nearly a year and had 4 links not work out at varying stages but mostly at very late notice (via foster to adopt).

We have been linked to another little one and while the link is perfect on paper I feel completely indifferent. It isn't that I don't want the baby, it's just that it feels like another baby that probably won't become mine and I don't know that I can go through it all again. My partner is keen to go ahead and I'm kind of desperately hoping that I will feel something (anything) once the baby is here.

Any experience or advice would be very welcome as I didn't feel this way about any of the other links.


tldr Mon 12-Oct-15 18:22:19

Completely indifferent until I met them, and that was without having gone through it 4 times.

But it worked out just fine. Love the bones of them now.

(Of course, I didn't tell SWs/matching panel that... I made appropriate excited noises for them...)

JaneDonne Mon 12-Oct-15 18:32:01

I think it's a leetle bit odd to fall in love with a photo. I get that it's emotional and that causes all sorts of oddness all over the place but I think your reaction is completely normal. And I kept trying to get sw to understand that while she was asking me eagerly how I FELT about seeing a photo.

MintyLizzy9 Mon 12-Oct-15 18:42:03

I've been linked today and totally understand where you are coming from. This is my first link so am v excited but this was my 4th linking meeting. When my SW worker called I was 'oh right very good thanks' it was only when I called my dad that the emotion kicked in. Honestly I think the emotion is more a release of the last few months and I am trying very hard to have a positive outlook. Don't get me wrong, I am over the bloody moon but there is still that niggle that I don't think will go away until the day that the AO is issued that this might just go tits up. I've got through the last few months by being indifferent....learnt my lesson after the first two, after that it was all well and good but I have to distance myself for my own sanity. Best of luck to you I'm sending positive vibes xx

Zephyroux1 Mon 12-Oct-15 18:55:23

Wow thank you so much everyone, you won't believe what a difference your comments have made to me. I was going round in circles and feeling a horrible guilt and real ungrateful and now it all feels a bit more normal.

Congrats Minty! That's great news, hopefully we will both get our AO's and can relax?!?! Into parenthood.

Zephyroux1 Mon 12-Oct-15 18:56:57

And positive vibes right back at ya Minty!!!

MintyLizzy9 Mon 12-Oct-15 19:12:35


tldr Mon 12-Oct-15 21:17:52

Oh no. You'll never relax again. wink

sarahlux Tue 13-Oct-15 17:30:01

With our little one I felt really indifferent. Was expecting to fall in love with the photos but never did. She was just a cute baby. Reading through the CPR I just thought that there is no reason to say no.

We are on day 2 of intros and she is perfect.

Kewcumber Tue 13-Oct-15 20:32:52

Yup totally indifferent. Even when I met him blush I felt terror and responsibility and that he was cute (very very cute) and like a babysitter. I accepted the match because I couldn't think of a good reason why I shouldn't after discussing the medical with a doctor.

It was more a case of "well why not him?"

And 9 years later it's still the best decision I ever made.

Devora Tue 13-Oct-15 22:22:39

I felt numb throughout linking, matching and introductions. Completely numb. Couldn't access any emotion at all, other than stress and mild resentment. I do tend to close down emotionally when I am overwhelmed and boy, was I overwhelmed then..

Velvet1973 Mon 19-Oct-15 17:19:00

Yep absolutely. Perfect on paper and no reason to say no. Lo was only 6 months old so was difficult to fall in love with a character. All the way through we've been asked why him and I've had to blag it as the only reason was there wasn't a reason not to! 10 months after him being home and he's totally amazing! Love him beyond words, he has brought so much joy I could just burst.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Mon 19-Oct-15 21:36:00

Perhaps what you are now doing is just self preservation?

We had 4 'near misses' before our girls. So we got to the point where we couldn't let ourselves get too excited about a possible match in case it didn't happen again.

Foster to adopt must be an absolute rollercoaster. I don't think I'd have been strong enough to do it.

Best wishes.

Zephyroux1 Tue 20-Oct-15 06:23:46

Thank you again for all of the messages and thoughts. It's really reassuring that others have felt the same as me.

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