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It's never going to happen, is it?

(41 Posts)
OneMoreForExtra Sun 04-Oct-15 18:15:52

I think I'm about to give up. We've been approved for a year with not a sniff of interest - lovely social worker has put us forward for 3 children, but we've never even got to the point of receiving a child's paperwork for consideration. We have DS, soon to be 5, so can only be considered for 3yo and under children. Every child I've seen on Adoption Link who we might be suitable for has an upper adopter age limit of 50, and DH turns 51 in 2 weeks. I think at this point we become unmatchable with the very young children we can adopt. I even understand it, because in the current situation with hundreds of adopters for every child, any sensible SW would chose the 30-something parent for the two year old, and leave the 50-somethings for the 9 year olds. I would.

Today I gave most of the baby things I've been saving in the loft, first for the longed-for IVF sibling and then for the longed-for adoptive sibling, to the refugee collection drive. I thought it would make me feel better to exchange dreams with no hope of coming true for a better future for real people with real children and real dreams. But I feel awful. Fighting back tears all day and as soon as DS is in bed I'll give in to them.

Not sure what I want from this thread, really; I just wanted to tell someone who might understand.

Long-time lurker / occasional poster (was MoJangled pre-Jeffreygate)

Italiangreyhound Sun 04-Oct-15 18:43:09

Hi * OneMoreForExtra* I want to save do not give up but in reality I do not know what is best for you!

In your shoes I would book myself onto an exchange day with Adoption UK and get proactive. Or more proactive if you have been before.

Also I have no idea who is imposing a 50 age limit on things but my understanding is it it not legal to have an upper age limit for adopters.

Where ever you are google around and see what it says for your area. Maybe Google 'There is no upper age limit to adept - Surrey County Council' to see what they say.

Take a look at See number 2....

No 2. I’m too old to adopt

Adopters need to be over 21 but there is no upper age limit. Agencies will expect you to have the health and vitality to see your children through to an age of independence. Consideration will be given to your age comparative to the age of the child you want to adopt; younger children are more likely to be placed with younger parents.

Good luck. PM me if you like. I adopted a three year old at 49.

Italiangreyhound Sun 04-Oct-15 18:43:56

say not save

Kewcumber Sun 04-Oct-15 19:46:15

It took me three years from application to come home with DS so I absolutely understand your feeling that it will never happen.

I do understand. It's not much consolation but I have been where you are and its miserable. It worked out for me but I can remember the feeling that it was never going to happen on more than one occasion.

RandomMess Sun 04-Oct-15 19:49:44


JaneDonne Sun 04-Oct-15 19:50:30

I remember you mojangled. Sorry things have happened this way. What does your sw say?

AFAIK the age limit applies to the younger parent in a couple although I can see your point about being in competition with 30 somethings. But you only need one child who would benefit from an older siblings or experienced parents.

Do you think you were ready to give up? Perhaps you just need to grieve for now but ultimately it will be the right decision.

JaneDonne Sun 04-Oct-15 19:53:36

Sorry that sounds as though I think it is the right decision and I have no way of knowing that. I mean that you may feel bereft even if it is the right decision for you. But it may well just show you that you should keep on going?

Italiangreyhound Sun 04-Oct-15 20:48:30

I remember you from way back, you must remember me as have never name changed! I know you have had a long journey so I would encourage you not to give up but it has to be right for you. Our son joined us after about 6 plus years of failed IUIs and IVF then about 20 months of adoption journey. He really is worth it.

I really think being more proactive (again?) and contacting other counties might help.

Also, our son was placed partly because we had learnt so much having a dyslexic dd (ironically ds is not dyslexic) but we had kind of 'proved' our ability to parent by doing so with dd. This is definitely not always the case and having a birth child does not always make it easier to get through but in our case it did.

Hang on in there! grin

OneMoreForExtra Sun 04-Oct-15 21:49:26

Thanks guys. This has been going on for 8 years for us (5.5 years IVF and 2.5 years adoption) and I think I'm worn out with perpetually suspended hope.

I always feel better if I'm being pro-active, so that's good advice, but I've run out of things to try at the moment. I've written to all the LAs with a high population of the same community of origin as DS (donor egg baby) to say we can offer particular support to any children who need adoptive homes; we've made a video about ourselves and transformed our profile into the CD cover notes to get it to stand out, with our SW's enthusiastic help; we've been to an exchange day but there were only about 5 children there we would be eligible to adopt, and we never heard back from any of our enquiries; I check Adoption Link constantly and enquire where I can, but rarely hear anything. This summer we did hear, through friends, of a baby abroad who needed to be adopted and got in touch with lawyers in that country and the mother's doctor, and international adoption here, but apparently privately arranged adoptions aren't processable, even when everyone is in favour, and that poor baby went into the country's 5 year adoption process. Any other suggestions for things I could do gratefully received!

OneMoreForExtra Sun 04-Oct-15 21:58:15

Of course I remember you Italian ! I was very glad to see things finally working out for you. I know there's no formal age limit and we're approved in any case, but SW are obliged to find the best match for each child and with very young ones, the age of the adopters is one of the things to weigh up. Adoption Link often sets upper and lower age ranges for parents, for particular children (and it's usually 50).

JaneDonne I think I'd do myself a favour if I let it go and moved on. DH has, I think. But I can't. Giving away many of the saved baby things showed me that I'm not ready to. And DS desperately wants a sibling.

I do feel a bit better now though. Thank you all.

Italiangreyhound Sun 04-Oct-15 22:12:12

One I really hope something will happen. Have you had a look at Children who wait? It is the magazine of Adoption UK. We took a look and there were a few children under 3. If your ds is now over 5 this could 'loosen' things up in terms of age range because you may be OK with a child of three.

We went to the adoption UK open day in London about 22 months ago, just before ds was finalised. They really did have a lot of kids from all over the UK. I do wonder if you would be eligible to adopt from Scotland, just because that is a place you may not have tried (you may not be eligible if you are in England or Wales).

I'm curious (but don;t say here, PM me if you like) where the exchange day was. The reason I ask is because we went to one with our county (shared by three counties) and there were lots of kids (I can pm you the places) and then we went to the London one and it was full of kids.Of course, all ages and circumstances etc, but really much much bigger and better organised than our local one. So it may depend where you go. Anyway, good luck, I am out of the loop now so things may have all changed but I was surprised how things differed, one country had only a few kids and another had about 4 times that! Ironically, we did end up adopting from the one that had few kids (but not through that event) but it just goes to show you just cannot tell.

Thinking of you.

jingscrivenshelpmaboab Sun 04-Oct-15 22:43:29

It took us almost 4 years from attending the information evening to having our DS (now 6) placed with us 8 months ago, and over a year between approval and matching. We thought we were being pretty proactive - joined BeMyParent, Childrenwhowait, AdoptionLink, etc, and went through the profiles of children almost every day. We also attended exchange events in Leeds and London, and did additional training courses while we waited. We extended the age range we were looking at (although realise this may not be an option for you OneMore), and expressed interest in more than 20 children.

In the end, the match came via the Adoption Register, but our DS's family finder said that she had to look beyond our PAR, which apparently was pretty badly written, and didn't present us in a good light (we had lots of problems with our first SW). In hindsight, I wish we'd have pushed harder to review/revisit our PAR, and I wonder if you could ask for this/ to be reviewed? (Or whatever replacement docs are now called).

I think hitting the year after approval is a crunch time for a lot of adopters, and saw several threads on adoptionlink where people were talking about giving up at that stage.

Wishing you lots of luck and thinking of you - it's really tough at the moment.

JaneDonne Sun 04-Oct-15 23:34:11

This isn't a thread about what you should be doing though is it? It's about whether you can come to terms with it not happening or whether you need to get back on the horse.

Has your Dh just sort of come round to it or have you actually decided to quit? And I suppose there is a question about what giving up means - is it 'we'll talk to our sw' or 'we just won't actively pursue it'?

I think it must be very difficult to be in that limbo. And harder with a child who you can see getting older and asking questions about it. sad

AngelSings Mon 05-Oct-15 12:54:59

I was in a similar situation a little while ago. We had stopped TTC because it just wasn't working out and then the adoption route also turned out not to be our friend.

So one day I had enough of the constant waiting and hoping, and I made the decision to stop trying and be happy having our 6-year-old birth DD. I gave away all her old clothes, toys etc and it felt amazing and liberating. I took it as a sign that this was indeed the right choice for me. Not once have I looked back and regretted it, instead I feel relieved and finally free.

It's a huge and hard decision to make but I believe that it'll feel right when you take your first few steps towards it. Sounds like you're really struggling with that and I wonder if you're not ready yet? I hate to put words in your mouth and maybe it was just clear-cut for me in the end, but perhaps this isn't the right time for you yet?

Hels20 Mon 05-Oct-15 17:22:42

I think I'm with "Angel" here but haven't been in your situation - only went through 7 IVFs (having always said I would only do 3 - I kept on moving the goal posts). But when I stopped - I knew it was right. It wasn't a hard decision. To have stopped on round 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 would have probably been wrong because I think I would have felt a case of constant wonderment - what if.

I know it is hard - there are others that have posted saying how hard it is to find a child as placement orders are so low. I also know how different it is from when we were looking - 2.5 years ago.

I hope you find peace somehow - or I hope you decide to hang in there. The constant limbo feeling is exhausting.

Sending you hugs

MintyLizzy9 Mon 05-Oct-15 20:44:33

no words of wisdom but sending you flowers

M0rven Wed 07-Oct-15 16:46:27

Giving away baby things is a very hard thing for many women to do - even those who are not hoping to have another child. I have to admit that it took me several years between making that decision and giving the things away .

I know it seems like a very practical decision, but it's not . It's another stage in the grieving process . Just another loss, represented by a car seat , baby hat or tiny party dress.

I feel very sad reading your post. Please be kind to yourself and take some time to decide on your next step.

ChoccyJules Sat 10-Oct-15 09:36:23

Hello, I was directed to your thread by a friend as they knew we were in a similar situation. I feel your pain and am happy to PM if you ever want to chat. We have been approved for 18 months and DD just turned 7. The questions and innocent comments she makes as she waits in full confidence of a sibling just breaks my heart. Am off to an exchange day today, already done two activity days and everything possible, SW is dreadful but that's another story. Take care.

OneMoreForExtra Sun 08-Nov-15 15:07:04

I ran away from my own thread! Very classy. Even voicing the possibility of giving up turned out to be too difficult so Angel, Hels, you were right - I'm not ready to do that. I'm classically shit at letting go of dreams, as demonstrated by 10 rounds of IVF that we're still paying off - so what's a year of zero interest? Thanks very much for your support - it did help, even though I read and ran for a month (I think I'm part ostrich). But I'm so sorry that Choccy and Angel are/were in a similar situation. M0ven has it - it's not a baby sling you're giving away, it's the baby, in your heart.

So, I clearly haven't and can't give up. I'm going to call my SW next week to check in, but then I'm going to mentally hunker down and not expect anything to happen until the adoption courts unsnarl themselves, which might be years away, so I'll enjoy DS and look for a new job.

Thank you all again, this is the only place where people have an insight that goes beyond sympathetic understanding, and I'm so glad that you're all here.

Kewcumber Sun 08-Nov-15 19:45:00

We like a bit of rough stuff round here oneMore except hels and Kristina who are a bit classy.

Nice to have you around still.

ChoccyJules Tue 10-Nov-15 18:28:42

Kew I nearly spat wine over the ipad (so am also not on the classy list)!

Waves to onemore smile

Kewcumber Tue 10-Nov-15 20:25:25

You, young lady, are at the bottom of the classy list

OneMoreForExtra Wed 11-Nov-15 19:38:37

I'm with my own

<hands round pork scratchings and lambrini>

Kewcumber Wed 11-Nov-15 23:38:37

This reminds me of the adoption board on MN

ChoccyJules Thu 12-Nov-15 20:49:38


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