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last minute panic

(30 Posts)
bostonkremekrazy Wed 09-Sep-15 21:28:40

i posted a while ago about adopting our children's new sibling that has been born.

sw's are coming tomorrow - not 1 but 2 AHHHH - and i'm having a last minute panic.

not about the baby - we are happy to progress.....but about the sw's coming.

its been 8 years since we had the visits, the intrusion, the frantic cleaning, the biscuit dilemma's.....i can't even remember what our first visit was like.

we've not fessed up in RL so feel alone - we've also not told the dc so need to hold our nerves in getting them off to school, do the mad tidy up, do a few hours work before the doorbell goes.

any handholders here? and reminders of what the first visit entails?

thanks!

Italiangreyhound Wed 09-Sep-15 22:22:18

I am ready - on hand holding duty, wink. You will be fine. thanks

bostonkremekrazy Wed 09-Sep-15 22:32:16

thanks IGH

i cant sleep grrr....

fast forward 24 hours!

Kr1stina Wed 09-Sep-15 23:00:26

You are doing the right thing to not tell the kids yet

And chill about the house etc. remember you are in a position of strength this time - they NEED you to take this baby . You get to call the shots . It's not like last time .

bostonkremekrazy Thu 10-Sep-15 15:22:47

well its done.
will speak to sw managers and get back to us to let us know if they'll proceed with us.

it doesn't feel like they need us - baby is still being advertised, and other potential families have come forward..which doesn't thrill me if i'm honest. if they go ahead with us they'll stop the advertising then.

so more waiting. this frustration certainly feels familiar.

gabsdot45 Thu 10-Sep-15 15:44:54

Do they want your children to be there? If they do try to get another trusted adult to be there so that they can take the children out if they get bored or start acting up.
We tried to have a SW visit with our 2 year old son in the room. She had requested he be there. He behaved dreadfully and in the end threw a block at her. She decided he had behavioural problems and delayed our assessment for 6 months to give us time to "sort him out".
B***H. I wish I had thrown the block at her myself.

Kr1stina Thu 10-Sep-15 16:16:02

Boston - they need a very good reason NOT to place the baby with you . After extended birth family , next choice is with their siblings / half siblings .

Of course other families will come forward for a young baby. They will be queueing up. But it doesn't mean they are the best thing for the baby

bostonkremekrazy Thu 10-Sep-15 21:23:43

thanks everyone.
gabs that did make me laugh sorry. our older dc were at school - i asked if we should get a baby-sitter for our 2 yr old, sw said no its fine so our 2 yr old was home with us. To be fair our Lo was fine, sat with us for a bit then pottered off and played, came back and forth but was no both i dont think. They have not mentioned if they'd want the others there if we go forward.

i guess i'm just worrying that they want to find a reason as it'd be dc4....and i didn't expect them to say we'll go back and discuss it with our managers. i think maybe i expected big smiles and a great we'll go ahead....but no more waiting.

what kind of reasons do they find to say NO? does anyone know or have experience of that?

ChristineDePisan Thu 10-Sep-15 21:39:06

but what biscuits did you serve? wink

Italiangreyhound Thu 10-Sep-15 21:55:48

there is only one biscuit for me

bostonkremekrazy Thu 10-Sep-15 22:00:38

i offered biscuits - which (as expected) they declined....they did have a drink and use the loo....and take the grand tour though. I can't decide if that was a good or bad sign confused

Kr1stina Thu 10-Sep-15 22:40:28

I think the only legit reason is the needs of the child . Eg if baby has SN and needs parents who have more time / no other kids

Things like sharing a bedroom shouldn't be a problem

Sounds like you have your heart set on this ?

bostonkremekrazy Fri 11-Sep-15 14:10:23

yes we have our hearts set on this now.
our dc do have sn and were hard to place....but its been 8 years and their needs are significantly less than imagined when first placed.

our 3rd child has no needs.

we have the finances, space for baby to have own room, are young enough etc.....we just worry that because of the siblings needs they will want to find a reason to say no, or they will want to place the baby in house to ensure one of their adopters has a child placed with them - does that still happen?

new baby will be in the same position of having an uncertain future - though at the moment they are saying no significant needs found - so is a very adoptable baby on first look. if you dig deeper into the needs of all the siblings i would predict baby will have some kind of sn in the future.

anyways - it is out of our hands now and we await a decision from managers on whether to proceed. i hate this waiting game - and no timeframe was given despite us asking several times. yuk.

Kr1stina Sun 13-Sep-15 09:09:59

Fingers crossed .

If I were you I wouldn't tell the kids until it's definite . They don't need a long lead in time . I'm assuming they are primary school age, so the baby won't impact on them as much as if they were toddlers or pre schoolers .

As you know, the uncertainty is very hard to deal with , even for adults who understand the ( supposed) reasons for it .

bostonkremekrazy Thu 17-Sep-15 19:43:23

thought i'd update that we are going ahead with being assessed to bring home baby.

we'll not tell our dc for some time, but the process will now be fast-tracked and we are looking at 3 months! not sure how realistic that estimate is, especially with christmas just over 3 months away, but here we go again.

Kewcumber Fri 18-Sep-15 08:47:41

Good luck.

bostonkremekrazy Wed 07-Oct-15 22:28:40

just to say thanks to all who contributed to this thread - with all my worries at the beginning we are on our way, and panel looks set for December!

dibly Wed 07-Oct-15 22:45:59

Oh congratulations! Really pleased it's going ahead for you.

M0rven Wed 07-Oct-15 23:02:08

That's wonderful news, congratulations

slkk Wed 07-Oct-15 23:09:07

Great news. Good luck with everything to come.

Italiangreyhound Thu 08-Oct-15 01:21:20

Good luck for December.

cantthinkofannewname Thu 08-Oct-15 10:14:02

We have two adopted DC who are birth siblings, and because of the uncertainty could not tell our DC1 until we were on our way to meet baby DC2. Of course DC1 had no clue what was going on and was very stressed (though younger than your two oldest). We did have quite a bit of fallout after placement. I'm not sure how else we could have approached it (and there were various other stressful things including bmum going missing during pregnancy so everyone going "well we had a placement from birth lined up... and we did say we'd organise visits... but we don't know what's happening now...")

gabsdot45 has your SW not met any 2 year olds then?

Our SW did come and see DC1 in the home and obviously DC1 had no clue what was going on but was just shy rather than rowdy. But could easily have thrown a block. Obviously SW had met DC1 a lot in early days of placement for DC1 but it was some time previously and DC1 was not going to remember SW.

bostonkremekrazy Wed 09-Dec-15 22:25:30

Thanks all who contributed well wishes on this thread.

to our utter shock and delight our home study was indeed done within 3 months and we are off to panel! baby will be home after christmas!

....so a quiet christmas for us preparing our children for what is about to happen - they still have no idea. Once school is out we can fess up and get them ready smile

fasparent Wed 09-Dec-15 22:57:51

Children with SN in our experience (16 children and counting 10 Adopted) thrive better in a large family, lots more normality and inclusion's, have several children with SN all are doing well, Some now Adult's, all that have moved on are living independent, some drive, all are in some form of work,
some have even bought their own home's. Best too love the child then care for the problem.

Devora Thu 10-Dec-15 10:15:13

Congratulations bostonkremekrazy!

fasparent, you are always an inspiration smile

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