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Asking all adults who've been adopted...

(27 Posts)
yogababymum Sun 09-Aug-15 20:18:59

How are your relationships with friends, husbands, wives, family?

At the grand age if 35 I have no friends, two acquaintances who I meet up with every now and again & I don't speak to my adoptive parents (see previous thread on here somewhere).

Really what I mean is that I have a hard time dealing with people. Some hate me from the minute they meet me, some dislike me & some put up with me. Which I find odd because at work I've always had great relationships and make friends easily & get in well with everyone in that situation.

I have a tendency to push people away because I've been deeply hurt, physically & emotionally & rejected all my life. How ever some relationships have just drifted apart. It's got to the stage that I have no one to turn to only my DH who has made it clear that I have issues with relationships & he hates to see me like this now. I argue with him constantly because I am so unhappy & they way things are going I'll push him away to.

I was wondering if anyone else behaves the same way? If you changed it for the better or if I should just go and see a counsellor (not that that will change he relationships I no longer have).

poetboywonder Sun 09-Aug-15 20:24:14

I'm not adopted but one of my best friends is. she has only a very small circle and will happily purposfully fall out with new people so she's in control. I think seeing post adoption councelor can't hurt. I think my friend just needs to be the power person. maybe you need to make work friends life friends. also open and honest will help people empathise and understand that u may push then away but actually u need them x

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Sun 09-Aug-15 20:24:17

Have you read the long running thread on here for adults who were adopted, yogababy?

yogababymum Sun 09-Aug-15 20:35:22

Hi poet thanks. The work friends never really come to much I can't seem to get past a few things. One girl has a lot of issues herself so I always think, don't get close that's messy to handle & another likes to party all the time so I think I've nothing in common with her but in work I really like her.

I don't talk about my adoption, it would make me a bigger reject. It's not accepted here & I know that I'd be viewed has "having issues, mentally unstable, bad blood" as that's what a few have said about children who are adopted.

Am not sure closer which one?

ReallyNotAMorningPerson Sun 09-Aug-15 20:44:03

Where are you that it's 'not accepted here'? I can imagine that if you're in a society that thinks that you'd feel even more rejected. I'm sorry to hear that.

yogababymum Sun 09-Aug-15 20:53:08

Backward Ireland. Mental health issues are mocked openly, racism is perfectly acceptable, homophobia common practice and being different in anyway is totally unacceptable.

It just gives people something else to talk about. I was bullied badly from an early age because I was the "bastard baby" of the town.

I've moved away from that town but it still resonates over & over. I just can't seem to get people to accept me and I can't accept them either. I am deeply critical of myself and others.

Hobbes8 Sun 09-Aug-15 20:58:37

Do you think it might be the bullying that has had the lasting impact rather than the adoption? Or, if you don't talk to your parents anymore, is it because your relationship with them wasn't great?

I'm not adopted but my husband is. He seems quite secure in himself, but his brother has issues with rejection I think (they're not from the same birth family).

UrethraFranklin1 Sun 09-Aug-15 21:00:47

Backward Ireland. Mental health issues are mocked openly, racism is perfectly acceptable, homophobia common practice and being different in anyway is totally unacceptable.

Thats not common in Ireland. This isn't the 50's. It might have been just the people you knew personally.....

yogababymum Sun 09-Aug-15 21:07:40

Hobbes I think it's a combination of the bullying, the adopters, my relationship with an abusive ex but ultimately I feel that it all seems from the adoption because I've been rejected twice by two sets of parents from early childhood.

It's my Ireland, possibly the people I've encountered, all of them! You can't say it doesn't exist in Ireland it's very rife in rural Ireland. Anyway that's not what I want to focus on & I am here because I really need help. So please try not to focus on those words or be offended.

NewLife4Me Sun 09-Aug-15 21:10:19

I am so sorry you have had a bad experience.
I haven't seen your other thread but send you my best wishes and huge sympathy.
I can't imagine how you must be feeling because I had a good relationship with my adopted parents.
I'm sure this is most of the reason you find it difficult to form friendships. Although I must admit to being a bit similar myself in some respects.
I tend to push people away through a fear of rejection and in the past if somebody didn't like me it would upset me deeply.
I'm not like this now though, not since we were married and had dc.
I have a few true friends and struggle to keep friendships and have on occasion thought this was due to being adopted, but who knows.

What strikes me though is that you are suffering and unhappy and this isn't right. It seems as though you can't cope with the person who you are which is very sad as you come across as a lovely person.
I think that talking over your feelings with a counsellor could be a step in the right direction. As you say it won't help your past, but could well help your friendships in the future.
I'll be your friend thanks

yogababymum Sun 09-Aug-15 22:07:09

Ah new thank you so much, that really brought a year to my eye. I appreciate those words so much.

I've taken the first step & emailed a local councillor in the hope I can get some help instead of running away from my issues.

I've had emotional few weeks, infact it's the worst I've felt in 10 years. An early night & I'll hopefully get some sleep & feel better.

NewLife4Me Sun 09-Aug-15 22:52:19

Oh my love, we've all been there I'm sure.
Every now and then something rears it's head and it hits you like a brick.
It needn't be something negative, I had a lovely one today, but knocked me sideways for a bit.
You have negative experiences that reading between the lines sound heart breaking.
Please let your dh in as much as you can, he sounds very supportive. Lean on him a bit, it's what they're there for. When I think of what I've put him through, he's still here 27 years later.

StaceyAndTracey Sun 09-Aug-15 23:21:01

You are doing the right thing to talk about it . I know it's hard and you feel like a failure. But I'm sure that counselling will help you come to terms with what's happened and move forward more positively .

yogababymum Mon 10-Aug-15 10:57:12

I actually feel like I've nothing left to live for, if it weren't for my kids id consider ending it all. My DH is fed up with me & now its clear that everyone else is i wonder why he's bothering to stay with me. He says he loves me but he's so fed up with me and my behaviour. He really hurt me yesterday when he said I've no friends or family and i cant get over those words, why did he have to say that? He knew i was already on my knees, that was just another kick. He couldn't explain why he said it & it wasn't in a spiteful way just voicing it. But it hurts so much.

I need support from him especially and i feel that i don't get it. Then again it could be just me pushing him away. Ive no idea whats normal anymore. I am totally fucked up.

Tangerineandturquoise Mon 10-Aug-15 11:09:47

Oh massive hugs to you- you are not a failure, and from what I have read over the years, very far from being alone in how you feel- what you are quite good at is perceiving some of it.

As an adopter most of us are aware that trauma occurred right after birth, even for a relinquished baby or a baby removed at birth, for the baby there isn't a before trauma self, because often even the pregnancy can be stressful.
You suffered a loss that you can’t consciously remember and I wonder if people have helped you acknowledge that. It will have an impact on your sense of Self and others, your emotional responses, your behavior, and your world view. Your brain synapses connected according to your perception of your environment which seemed unsafe, unfamiliar, and in need of constant vigilance. This need for vigilance may have filled you with anxiety which is stressful.
As you grew you may have grown to feel safer through compliance or testing behaviour to keep yourself feeling "safe"
When you lost your birth mother initially you cried for her in the beginning it wasn't your "mum" who came and so you felt you had no impact and you may have grown into thinking that about yourself.
If you felt rejected and abandoned you will have tried to reject attempts to make you vulnerable again by trying to connect intimately with others, including your adopters-who probably carry their own unacknowledged baggage and a different understanding of adoption which can have been harmful to your relationship
Looking at how you behave,consciously or not towards those trying to get close to you may help you, even though it is a hurtful process, it can be empowering. You may be letting the vulnerable child in you try to protect the grown up you- if that makes sense? SO whilst you can manage superficial relationships well the deeper ones may be harder because of what you have experienced?

If you aren't ready for counselling-and you will need a really experienced counsellor for this, then maybe some reading will help you to get the first steps

Dan Siegel has written The Developing Mind which shows the neurobiological reasons as to how trauma can affect emotional responses
and Nancy Verrier's book The Primal Wound may help you to feel quite a few pennies drop as it has for some other adoptees.

StaceyAndTracey Mon 10-Aug-15 11:17:34

Please go to your GP too. You might have depression on top of all these other issues , which will make it harder to work though things during your counselling . The right medication can really help.

What age are your kids, yoga baby ?

Great post from tangerine .

yogababymum Mon 10-Aug-15 12:12:18

Tangerine thank you i don't think I've ever considered that before. Ive never addressed my adoption with a anyone even the people who adopted me. They wouldn't have a clue anyway! I was simply told at 4 that i was not theirs and i was given to them & i was special, thats it.

Ill look at those books i like reading and those sound very helpful. I feel like even been waiting for ages on someone to get back to me about the counselling. I've contact three now & still nothing.
yes, ill go to the GP too. i think i need it, i would say i am depressed even thought i hate to admit that.

StaceyAndTracey Mon 10-Aug-15 12:38:50

There's no shame in admitting it, most of us have been there at sometime.

Though it's probably harder for adoptees to admit it - we always have to try so hard to be perfect , to make it up to our parents for not being , you put it , " theirs " . No wonder we always feel like failures :-(

gabsdot45 Mon 10-Aug-15 12:51:45

Backward Ireland. Mental health issues are mocked openly, racism is perfectly acceptable, homophobia common practice and being different in anyway is totally unacceptable.

This is not my experience of the Ireland I live in.

Anyway, you sound very unhappy, possibly depressed. You have a lot of issues to deal with and counselling may help you.

Tangerineandturquoise Mon 10-Aug-15 13:14:14

Talk to your local authority post adoption support sw as well- they should be able to sign post you to resources or have a SW who can help with counselling, also adoption uk might have some guidance.

I do think some people who have replied on here may have missed the point of this thread, which might be hard to spot if you aren't affected by adoption.

JaneDonne Mon 10-Aug-15 14:13:37

Could you afford therapy rather than counselling? Counselling can be a very mixed bag...

yogababymum Mon 10-Aug-15 17:11:08

Been to the doctor & she talked to me about counselling & gave me ADs. I'll try anything at the min I can't go on like this.

I feel a bit better now. I've always been a fighter & when I get down I get back up fighting. Hopefully this time I'll do the same even though this is the worst I've been in years.

Not sure about therapy I don't really knows what involved in that, I suppose I could look into that & see if it's for me.

StaceyAndTracey Mon 10-Aug-15 17:22:44

Well done, you are taking the first steps on your way to feeling better . I know it's not easy, but you are doing the right thing .

Tangerineandturquoise Mon 10-Aug-15 18:45:42

Really glad the GP appointment was positive
Can you take some time off for a rest?

JaneDonne Mon 10-Aug-15 20:10:36

I think a proper well qualified psychotherapist is probably worth the money. Counselling. .. I think it's patchy. It can be very good for some things but I think if you have real issues stemming from real deep seated trauma it might not be what you need.

In the UK I would start with somewhere like the Tavistock but I don't know in Ireland.

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