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(68 Posts)
kmarie100 Tue 21-Jul-15 12:52:38

So just wondered if anyone else had found their lo's birth family on Facebook?
What are the pros and cons keeping an eye on what they are up to up?

selly24 Tue 21-Jul-15 15:07:13

OMG! Am new to all this but is that allowed/advisable?...

WickedWax Tue 21-Jul-15 15:09:18

I take it you mean stalking their Facebook page rather than adding them as friends?

I'd say both are inadvisable.

kmarie100 Tue 21-Jul-15 15:45:24

Yep not adding as friends. Morally I'm uncomfortable with it...but it's very tempting. Why do you think it's inadvisable?

Tangerineandturquoise Tue 21-Jul-15 15:53:51

If you look for someone on FB- FB tells them who has been looking, that is an invitation into your own private life.
Actually there is a part of me that thinks other than letterbox we want to be able to get on with raising our children ourselves I would be seriously banging on doors to get something done if I felt Birth Family were tracking me, and I think they are entitled to the same privacy to get on with their own lives

gabsdot45 Tue 21-Jul-15 17:17:39

I did have a look for my DD's birth mother, (she's in Russia). I found about 50 people with her name, So I gave up.

wonderpants Tue 21-Jul-15 17:20:00

As a foster carer, I always look up birth parents and block them straight away so they can't see me!
I am very nosy though!

ConfusedInBath Tue 21-Jul-15 17:37:33

You can't tell if someone has been looking at your profile.
But I wouldn't advise it. You might see something you don't like or agree with, it's there then in your mind.
I've blocked my GS's BM for that very reason.

JamHoneyMarmite Tue 21-Jul-15 19:09:21

This is probably a good moment to say that birth families could easily search on this board too, as it's much more public than Facebook... Most people are extra careful not to post identifying ages/important dates/other stuff, but I sometimes forget quite how visible these threads are on the Internet, so I'm writing this as an extra reminder to myself really!

paxtecum Tue 21-Jul-15 19:11:14

That does sound quite an awful thing to do.
Just don 't do it.

MyPreciousRing Tue 21-Jul-15 19:12:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkJelly Tue 21-Jul-15 19:21:48

I've done it and still occasionally keep an eye. FB doesn't tell you who's been looking, that's a myth, and if your in security settings are set to maximum and you have a dull profile photo like your dog or something they can't see anything anyway, let alone work it out. It proved very handy in the early days as we managed to get a whole ton of photos we would otherwise never have seen. They're on a memory stick for when our children are older and may wish to see them. They are of them after all. I did all this under a fake profile mind you! The only thing that can suck is seeing what sort of characters they are; I have felt nothing but let down for my kids seeing close up on FB the sort of people their BPs are and it can be hard to read all the 'I love my child so much' posts when they've neglected or abused said child. As a rule I check very rarely but I do like to keep vague tabs.

kmarie100 Tue 21-Jul-15 19:38:16

I have found it handy to know where they 'tag' themselves so I can avoid that place. Also it's likely that lo will view what they've written in the future so at least I'm prepared!
Glad I'm not alone.

tea4two4three Tue 21-Jul-15 19:49:03

I've done it and, like PinkJelly, i took a copy of the photos. We asked for pics of Birth mum with DS and SS never got round to getting them so I got them myself. I want DS to know how much his birth mum loved and adored him and for him to see pics of him with her. Once I'd done that I blocked her and all her family, just in case, and also to stop the temptation of checking up on her all the time which isn't fair. I know other adopters who keep a close eye on birth family, especially when they live nearby, I don't think it helps with any paranoia adoptive parents have, but I understand the reasons.

Kewcumber Tue 21-Jul-15 20:31:18

I understand the temptation but if you succumb to it I would advise that you do as Tea suggests and block after taking what photos you need. Otherwise that way madness lies...

MyPreciousRing Tue 21-Jul-15 20:40:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Threesocksnohairbrush Tue 21-Jul-15 20:51:57

I have identified that they have FB profiles, partly to assess what DC may be able to find when they are old enough for Facebook. I wouldnt view them extensively because a) am terrified of somehow making an accidental contact/ electronic link and b) more importantly, very much agree with pps that we can, and should, afford birth families the same privacy to get on with their lives that we expect.

Threesocksnohairbrush Tue 21-Jul-15 20:53:27

PS can you block someone without them knowing you've blocked them, and without them ever having had FB contact with you in the first place?

anxious123 Tue 21-Jul-15 21:07:26

Yes you can block someone with no previous contact. If you've had no previous contact they simply just won't be able to find you via the search function. However if they have previously found you via the search function and your profile simply disappears it would be a reasonable assumption that you have blocked them.

bellecurly Wed 22-Jul-15 17:46:10

Hi I blocked bm too ie mainly to stop my obsession of looking on her board too!! Worried I was going to knock friend request too. U cant search for them too once blocked. I come off fb now though got a bit addicted to it. Don't really miss it.

OurMiracle1106 Thu 23-Jul-15 12:05:33

I feel that this is an invasion of my privacy and is one of the many reasons i refuse to use my legal name on facebook. I am not even permitted to know their last name so would never be able to trace them anyway. It feels also very judgmental to be checking up on them. If they havent changed their life people will think "even losing their child wont change them, nothing ever will, they are a lost cause" if they are doing well "they have moved on and forgotten about their child, they cant of ever loved them"

I would also be concerned about them taking pictures of me off my facebook, if i wanted them to have photos of me <i sent two with last contact) I would have sent them with letterbox. I feel taking things from my facebook is a violation and I would be very angry. Just because I am a birth parent doesnt mean I dont have a right to my own privacy. Anything that affects my little boy is written in contact, or as in the case last time to his parents regards of changes in one of my medical issues. My other medical issues arent genetic and are a female specific issue so therefore I felt no obligation to inform them

OurMiracle1106 Thu 23-Jul-15 12:07:19

Can I also add that birth parents may not feel comfortable with you having photos of them when they dont know how they are to be used, how close of a proximity you are in etc, would you be happy for birth parents to have and keep photos of you, not knowing who can see them?

Kewcumber Thu 23-Jul-15 12:13:17

I do agree with with everything miracle said with the caveat that I would (probably wrongly) take photos for ds because my need to the right thing for him would overwhelm my feeling that it wasn't really the right thing to do. I would probably rationalise it by thinking that their security settings allow anyone to see and take whatever photos they wanted.

Sorry miracle - because I really do agree with you, I'm just not sure I could resist. But maybe it's because ds has nothing from his birth family so I couldn't walk away from the chance to get something.

OurMiracle1106 Thu 23-Jul-15 12:26:53

I see it that as I provide photos <nice ones of me, i provided one of the inside of my home> that he doesnt need to see every single photo of me that I have on my facebook.

Its also who do they plan to share them with, family? Friends etc? And does that identify me and put myself at a risk or disadvantage (people knowing your past could influence them if interviewing for a job for instance)

anxious123 Thu 23-Jul-15 12:33:10

Id like to think my sons forever family would be respectful enough to ask for more photos either via the social services or via letterbox contact, I wouldn't be very amused if they just took them though

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