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Step Parent Adoption - wwyd in this situation?

(16 Posts)
PipsPotatoes Sat 11-Jul-15 08:34:43

I'm hoping you can give me some advice.

Just for context - We started the ball rolling with the step parent adoption, everything is going OK so far. We met the duty social worker, she heard about the history, took all the relevant info, we took her advice and have discussed all this with the children. They took it well and are so far excited. At the moment, not much is going on, we've contacted adoption services to notify them of dh's intentions and are waiting to hear back from them again.

Now to the matter - my ex hasn't seen the dc in 5 years. Hasn't contacted, paid for etc. Nothing. We've had to put his brother down as a form of contact with SS because we had no address, number, haven't been able to contact him in a very long time.
I asked the brother for ex's info for the social worker but ex had decided he would contact them himself to give his details so I forwarded the social workers name etc to him through the brother (thank you for reading this far, hopefully you can keep up with my ramblings!)

I was ok with that. However now, the brother has contacted me through a mutual friend to give me ex's number. I've been told that he thinks the adoption is a good idea and wants to discuss it with me.

I don't see the need. Do you?

(Not sure if it's relevant but he was very EA to me through our relationship. He was very controlling. Everything was his way. He's recently left his partner and I've heard along the grapevine is a complete loose cannon behaviour wise at the moment.)

I don't want to contact him. I think after 5 years of him hiding from us, whats the point now? But will I be the one in the wrong if I don't? Will I be the one that looks bad? Tell me what the best thing to do is please.

BlueBlueSea Sat 11-Jul-15 08:49:09

No need for you to talk to him if you do not want to. Just give the number to the social worker and she can do it.

If he did want to speak to you I imagine he knows how to contact you. If he called you and you refused to discuss it, then you might look bad. Not calling a number given to you by a thrid party is irrelevant.

PipsPotatoes Sat 11-Jul-15 09:32:03

Thank you doe your reply. Yes, I see what you mean, I'm just trying to do what's best in the interest of our adoption case to be honest and wasn't sure if me not contacting him now that he's decided to comply would go against us.

JaneDonne Sat 11-Jul-15 09:58:07

Tell your sw exactly what you've said here and give her the number. I doubt she'll recommend you calling him.

PipsPotatoes Sat 11-Jul-15 10:53:51

Thank you both for the advice.

Hels20 Sat 11-Jul-15 14:20:37

I agree sort of with BlueSea - if he wants to contact you, he should get in touch. I also have no experience of EA relationships so not sure how I would feel in your situation.
However - please think what is best for your children in this situation, not you. (Sorry if I seem harsh but am trying to look at it from your DCs perspective.) I am not sure how old your DC are or how many you have - but I am looking at this from when I had the last meeting with my adopted DS's birth mother.

Maybe your ex wants to say sorry or wish you the best and say it to you directly rather than through a SW. It might be the last time you ever hear from him or your children hear from him.

I would actually make the call (or at least give the brother my phone number). If he gets abusive, then put the phone down and you will know you tried. And you can tell your children that.

Again - I don't know how old your children are but I try to look forward and think - would my children be cross if I hadn't met/spoken to him that last time.

This is just my view - obviously others think differently and only you know whether you are strong enough to have a conversation with him.

Rosieliveson Sat 11-Jul-15 14:54:11

Hi, I'm not sure what would e gained by contacting him. He could have honourable intentions although, given your history, he may see it as a way to try to get one over on you, impose some conditions or be awkward. He cannot do that to the social worker.
I would pass on the details you were given, explain to SW that you aren't comfortable contacting him personally if not required then see how the situation unfolds.
Good luck

PipsPotatoes Sat 11-Jul-15 15:11:22

Hels - honestly any advice is great and much appreciated. The children (three of them) are young, all under 8. The youngest was only a babe in arms the last time her father was around, the oldest 3. He's had no contact with them since. They don't know him. And that's his own doing.

I am trying to take everything into account. I promise. That's why I've posted.

Rosie - I can see there being conditions too. That's why I'm wary. He's agreeing to this adoption because he 'wants a quiet life and to get a proper job without the csa snooping', that's what his brother told us he'd said.

smallbird Mon 13-Jul-15 20:32:20

I think I'd call in your situation, but I wouldn't want ex to have my number if he's got form for being abusive. Maybe get a cheap pay as you go if you do call so you don't have to turn it on again after if you don't want to?

It's a hard one though.

Potatoaddict Tue 14-Jul-15 13:25:44

I'm not sure which is best but thought I would add if you do contact him I wouldn't give him your number.
If you are calling from a mobile or landline you can add 141 before any number and your number will be withheld. I've found this useful in the past.

Here is the BT link about it.
btbusiness.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/18404/related/1/session/L2F2LzEvdGltZS8xNDM2ODc2NjAwL3NpZC83TDVmKmtybQ%3D%3D

RandomMess Tue 14-Jul-15 13:30:30

I would speak to your SW and explain that you are very wary of getting in touch with him due to his past behaviour but will do if they want you to. I would do this all in writing so you have evidence that you did what the SW wanted you to.

PipsPotatoes Tue 14-Jul-15 13:34:34

Thanks for the responses. I did make contact in the end.

I got a cheap pay as you go as smallbird suggested.

I was told by ex's brother that I needed to text before calling anyway so that's what I did.

"Ex, it's Fern. This is the number you can get me on re the adoption if you wish to. I've been told by your brother that's why you have decided to give me your number. You can give your details directly to the adoption team I'd you haven't already done so. The social workers name is *.

No response.

PipsPotatoes Tue 14-Jul-15 13:36:08

random - thank you. I'm already drafting a letter telling them that I made contact because I was asked to and giving them the number he's indirectly given me. Also the no response.

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 14-Jul-15 13:58:50

Well, you can say you made the effort. (Tbh, I can't see why your child would be angry in the future if you didn't want to enter into one last conversation with your emotionally abusive and avoidant ex, biological father or not!)

Tangerineandturquoise Tue 14-Jul-15 14:52:37

You have made the effort you made the call which was brave. FWIW I do think given the massive step that adoption is, it was worth one phone call but I can only imagine how hard it must have been to make. I can only liken it to adopters being asked to meet birth parents around the time of placement. You can tell your children you did that-you might not be able to answer their questions about how he felt about the adoption or whether he wished you all well, because he wont talk to you, but you have tried.
I am not sure you can predict how your DC will react as they grow up, but you can do what you believe to be your very best for them-and you can be at peace with that.
If he is EA, he could potentially throw a spanner in the works- but I hope that he wont. I hope it all goes through smoothly and that you have your celebration day very soon.

Suiiening Mon 10-Aug-15 20:15:30

I don't really see the need either but I guess if he wants to talk about it then it wouldn't hurt, right? Especially if he already agreed to the adoption. Do you think he would change his mind? If he hasn't been around that long then I doubt that he would change his mind but eh. I really hope that this process goes smoothly for you and your family.

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