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Anyone had experience of adopting your DH child?

(14 Posts)
Emjones88 Tue 09-Jun-15 21:30:00

Hello all,

Has anyone got experience of adoption this way round. Or any advice. Here's a bit of back story.

Me and my DH have been raising his son (only put like that for clarification) for the past 8years together. We have been married 4 this year. DS calls me mum and is aware I am not his biological mum. I am also pregnant.

DS is 8 and a half and has not seen his biological mother (BM) since he was 6months old. She gave DS up to DH at 3months old and was rather hit and mostly miss on vist's.

DH (with my support but not legally in anyway) was granted a resandacy order. This was all he was told he could "go for" by his solicitor. BM could not be bothered to turn up for a single part of it or fight for him.

DS was on the at risk register before he was even born as she was known to social service's as previous children had been removed from her.

DH and I would dearly love for the family to be completely cemented via adoption. As we are worried that ATM for example, if anything was to happen to DH I could lose DS to his BM as her rights are never taken away.

Any thoughts/experience greatly appreciated.

slkk Tue 09-Jun-15 21:56:59

Is it mainly for practical reasons or for something more? If mainly for practical reasons, could you get named with dh on a residence order or child arrangements order? This will give you pr which should protect you and ds if anything were to happen to dh. Alternatively you could apply to the court for pr, but would need consent of bm. Adoption is a longer and more complex process and I'm not sure how possible it will be for you with bm living unless she consents (but then she would also consent to or and this is a lot more straightforward)

Emjones88 Tue 09-Jun-15 22:09:31

Thank you slkk

Not purely practical no, I love DS so much and he does me. Would be nice for things to be set in stone. I had no idea I could be named on residency order. Will find out more about that as could be the easiest way to get something done sooner and more definite.

It's such a shame that, even though she doesn't deserve to have a say, she has to give consent. Fathers don't necessarily do they?

slkk Tue 09-Jun-15 23:42:14

Yes if they have pr. It can be given to a step parent with the consent of both parents who have it. Or if you are named on the residence order. It should be straightforward - instead of xxx resides with dad, it could be xxx resides with dad and emjones. However I think residence orders are now called child arrangements orders so things might have changed a bit. Look at the website :

I guess you need to decide as a family if you feel you need to go down the route of adoption for your ds. Would it make him feel more loved? Give him a greater sense of permanence? More of a brother to the new baby? From what you have written, it seems he has all this anyway.

Fwiw, even without pr I would be very surprised if he was taken from you if the worst was to happen with dad. In that situation the best interests of the child would be considered and that would be staying with the only mum he has ever known. Just make sure dh makes it clear what he wants in his will.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Emjones88 Wed 10-Jun-15 07:51:07

Thank you

SoundsLegit Sat 13-Jun-15 14:38:40

Em, you can apply to court for PR as your DSS has lived with you for over a year.

I know everyone is saying that both parents need to give their consent for you to obtain PR, however that's not my experience.

My DSC live with us and through court and as part of a CAO I was granted PR for the children, this wasn't asked for by me or DH, it was something the Magistrates felt was necessary and asked for it to be included in the court order.

This means that if anything were to happen to DH it would be much simpler for DSC to remain in my care (they are unable to live with their mother) and wouldn't necessitate SS involvement.

Emjones88 Sat 13-Jun-15 16:26:14

Great to hear your experience SoundsLegit thank you. Me and DH both have the same day off next week and we were going to see if we could get the ball rolling on getting me PR. Would it be best to go to a solicitor first would you think?

SoundsLegit Sat 13-Jun-15 17:08:41

If you can afford it, it would probably be the easiest option to go via a solicitor. If not you can get the forms and make a direct court application, it's form C1A I think for a child arrangements order, I'm not sure if it would be the same for a PR application.

Good luck smile x

Emjones88 Sat 13-Jun-15 18:00:57

Ok thank you so much. Can't really afford a solicitor but one this way has a half hr free consult so will start with that.
Thank you again x

Chocolatebreadcrumbs Sat 13-Jun-15 20:08:15

Don't be frightened of applying to family court on your own, without a lawyer, everyone wants what you want (the best thing for the child), and while my experience of CAFCASS was poor, they were nice dimwits, and as long as you stay cool, calm and logical (the hardest part), I found the judge was used to people representing themselves, and understanding, and human.

Emjones88 Sat 13-Jun-15 22:11:21

Ok thank you, this is all great to read.

If we had known the family we would grow into, when DH went for residency order, we would have done something then. But we were barely going out smile.

We didn't even know I could go for PR so that will be the first step. If that secures us enough, adoption may not be necessary. Love can't be measured with paperwork.

Thanks again

Emjones88 Sat 13-Jun-15 22:16:26

Also we don't know where she is or have any contact details. Meaning we can't ask for permission, not that we want to contact her as it is nice not have a psycho on the scene.

Does anyone know if applying for court order without mothers permission will still get her involved?

Chocolatebreadcrumbs Sat 13-Jun-15 23:45:42

You will have to have made attempts to serve the papers (IANAL)- this can be by email, or a care of address, with the court's permission. However, and again IANAL, they have to act in the child's best interests. So, unless they are sure it's in the child's best interests to contact the mother, they can't, and they will hopefully grant PR, as that clearly is.

I have known a friend be told she would have to put an ad in the paper to try and locate the ex, but I don't think you have to say why. That's something the court will direct you, while they can't get legal advice as such, they will guide you through the process, and as this is a process thing, they will tell you what you need to do. Good luck. Especially with the reduction in legal aid, family court judges are really used to people without lawyers.

Chocolatebreadcrumbs Sat 13-Jun-15 23:48:28

Adoption essentially removes PR from the parent- it's very hard to do, whether mother or father, unless they agree in these circumstances. Most of the step dads adopting, either the BF don't have PR, or as dead (in the case of a poster here), or the BFs agree to get out of paying maintenance.

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