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Meeting my sons adoptive mum(14 Posts)
Me again, some of you may remember I had my son placed for adoption earlier this year (I consented). He is now a year old and has been in placement for a number of weeks and from what little I've gleamed from his SW has settled well.
At the end of this month I'll be meeting his adoptive mum for the first time. Any idea of what to expect, what I could say, how to respond to her? I'm terrified I'll give the wrong impression and she'll pass that on to little man when he's older.
Any advice greatly appreciated
I don't have any direct experience of adoption. However I would say just by going to the appointment you are demonstrating that you care about your son, and that is what will be remembered. She is probably very nervous too. Is the meeting going to be facilitated by someone like a social worker? Can you get as much info as possible about the setting, what things there will be to play with with your son etc. just to take as much as possible of the unknown out of it?
My son will not be present. Our farewell contact was held in February prior to placement. I know the offices it'll be held at. My sons social worker will be present, the adoptive parents placement worker, adoptive mum I think that's it.
I'd go with an open mind. Share stories of his birth, first times (tooth, crawling etc) and hopefully she will open up to you about how he's settled.
It must be incredibly hard for you, but you are obviously doing the right thing for your son. Please make sure you have support in place for you especially on the day of this meeting. It could be difficult emotionally.
If I ever got the opportunity to meet my son's adoptive mother, I would want to know if there was anything she wanted him to know about her and her family. We know so little. It is wonderful you are doing this x
We recently had our DC's placed in January and we met up with their biological mum during introductions. We were so very nervous and wanted to give a good impression and show her that we would do the best to give the children a stable and loving upbringing. I'm sure she felt just as anixious.
It was the best thing we could have done. We got a picture of the 3 of us and I have been able to share that with the children and have been able to give information we would not usually have had. It has certainly helped soothe some upset times where they miss her and I've been able to genuinely say that she told me she loves them so much but is glad that they're living with mummy and daddy now.
We liked to hear about how their names were chosen, their birth stories and their temperaments as babies. Also places they may remember and a bit about her: music tastes etc.
You're doing a great thing for when your DS starts asking questions.
You having done this will mean so much to the wee one when he's older. Hopefully it will make letterbox easier too. I know I find it easier to write to my DD's birth parents because I'm able to picture them.
You've been given good advice already. I would suggest jotting down any of the most important things you want to say, in case it all goes out of your head in the stress of the moment.
Is there any medical info, or anything about the wider family that you'd like to pass on? Otherwise I think the main thing is just making it possible for your son's adoptive mum to be able to tell him in the future just how much you love him.
Look after yourself. This is a brave thing you're doing.
Agree that it will be tricky for everyone involved at first, but hopefully will be a helpful meeting. DD's birth mother and I ended up hugging at the end and we have a photo of us both together, which I think will be helpful in the future for DD
I wanted to know medical stuff but also softer things like why DD has the names she does; and whether she was overdue, a wriggly bump etc. Stuff I know about our birth DC but doesn't get written down in any of the formal SS paperwork
Hope it goes well - be prepared to be absolutely drained afterwards though
Make sure you have a friend very close by. Both birth Mum and I were very teary and at the end, we had a hug. Please look after yourself.
As for the meeting - just talk about yourself - maybe what you liked doing as a child, whether you like the beach or countryside, if there are any particular books you liked reading as a child, whether there is anything in medical family history that perhaps your child might need to know about - eg diabetes, short sightedness. If you can - and not too traumatic - about pregnancy cravings, the birth, maybe how you and birth father met.
Just be yourself. Don't worry about being emotional - it is very emotional and it will show how much you love your child.
I would always love to know what DS's Birth Mum's hopes or dreams for him were - what she hoped for him - career wise or otherwise.
Don't be afraid to ask questions too -eg what he is in to at the moment. But also about about the adoptive parents. She wanted to know what me and DH did, how long we had been together, whether we had any children. She also asked why we had "chosen" (hate that word) her son - I tried to be honest but it made me choke up (that was when we cried and hugged each other).
A very hard meeting but so important for your son and maybe it will give something to you, too, and not just grief.
Please please be gentle with yourself and make sure you can go and have a hug and chat with a good friend afterwards.
I agree with everyone above. I would have loved to have met my dd's birth mum (she failed to turn up, twice - I do understand why) and it is wonderful that you are doing this.
I would think it through in advance and jot down any family story/memory you would like passed on. Anything that will help him to feel proud of his birth family, interesting quirks like everyone having a particular talent or a bendy thumb or something. Then information about him when he was born - what kind of baby, what the birth was like, what he looked like etc. Then about you (and this is what he will most want to know about): what you were like as a child, likes/dislikes/talents, why you chose his name. Anything really, like nuggets of gold that your son may treasure later.
I would also say: it's ok to express being sad, and regrets. Don't get too far into justifying or explaining - it will set up a barrier between you, you will be inviting her to judge you, and neither of you want that. You are there for the sake of your son, and also to draw comfort from being able to see each other as real people (she needs that as much as you).
Hels is right that you might be kind to yourself and have someone waiting outside to support you.
Best of luck.
Agree with all the good advice and you are doing an amazing thing.
Do jot down, as Devora says some stuff to talk about. You might find it hard to remember stuff at first. Take some photots to show or to leave with them, if you can. including you as a child or baby if you have any you could get copies of.
I hope to meet our son's birth parents and I would really like to know all they know about our son, (our, all of us) and the birth, if birth mum could bear to talk about it, and also about her as a child/adult, her hopes and dreams for ds etc.
PLEASE do have someone who can meet you afterwards and take you home or out for lunch or whatever. Have some things planned that you will enjoy that week, before and afterwards, if you can, so you will be able to cope with what may well be a draining (but HUGELY worthwhile) time.
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