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Letterbox advice needed from birth parent (long, sorry!)

(7 Posts)
sausagechops101 Mon 01-Jun-15 10:50:17

12 years ago my baby girl (who I'll call Sophie) was adopted at birth. I was a teenager doing my A levels and in a very abusive relationship. Everyone convinced me that giving up my baby was the best course of action and finally now I believe it was.

Every year I receive a letter with a photo from the adoptive parents which I treasure. I have never written back - I just feel there aren't enough words to say how sorry I am and I don't think there's anything I can say that won't cause further upset.

My mother, the bio father of my dd (who I'll call Dave) and Dave's parents write long letters every year with holiday photos, wedding photos etc included. This year the letter (which we all receive and is the same for me, Dave and the bio grandparents) very politely but quite clearly told us to not write so much and that Sophie had never seen the letters that Dave and gp's had written.

As a result Dave got very upset and said they had broken the terms of their contract (?). Dave lives less than an hour from Sophie and as we know her parents names managed to find their address and told me he was going to visit them to have a chat. I managed to persuade him not to do this but he is still so furious. He said as soon as she turns 16 he is going to meet her from school with the trust fund he has saved for her.

Dave is a very charming, very manipulative and very rich man. He also abused me horribly in the time we were together. I need to write and tell Sophies parents this is going to happen don't I? What can I say and how do I start? I really don't think there is anything I can do to stop him doing this.

mayfridaycomequickly Mon 01-Jun-15 10:52:35

I'd go through her Social Worker or adoption support worker if she has one?

ALovelyTrain Mon 01-Jun-15 10:55:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sausagechops101 Mon 01-Jun-15 11:18:57

Will the support worker contact Dave though?

SponsoredByTheBadFairy Mon 01-Jun-15 11:33:39

In the first instance, I would think the family/child's SW will at least be able to talk to the adoptive family and make sure the school is also alert to keep the child safe.

There is time yet for "Dave" to calm down. I suspect what the adoptive parents meant was that they had not shown the child the letters <yet> but they will have shared information from the letters with her. It is their role to decide how much she can handle, and how and when to share details - and sometimes that might mean keeping all the letters safe for her future, and sharing details selectively in the meantime.

At the point of adoption, birth families and adoptive families do sign a sort of agreement/contract, but this is not a legally enforcable document (as far as I know) unless the contact arrangements are part of a court judgment. Generally, adoptive families work really hard to help their children understand their early lives, and keep a form of connection with birth relatives. But it's a very hard thing to get right, and as children get older, they will have a view about whether they want letters etc to continue.

I'm sorry this is such a complex and painful situation for you too.

Threesocksnohairbrush Mon 01-Jun-15 20:44:02

I'm sorry to hear you are in such a horrible situation. You sound like a lovely mother who has your daughters best interests at heart, much more so than Dave.

I think your best plan would be to ask to speak to the social worker who manages the letterbox exchange and explain you have some important information to pass on. You could ask them not to contact Dave, but to pass the information to the adoptive parents that Sophies birth father is aware of their address and is intending to contact her/ them.

As an adoptive mum I would massively appreciate your having done that.

Best of luck - and don't ever feel ashamed to write should you want to.

Barbadosgirl Mon 01-Jun-15 23:26:59

Sausage, how lovely and caring you are and sorry you are having to go through this. I echo what everyone has said and think you are best approaching the sws flowers

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