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One and only?

(14 Posts)
oasiswaterpool Tue 19-May-15 13:56:13

On lots of the single child profiles we have noticed SWs putting to be only child or a significant number of years between children already in the prospective adopter's home. At a recent Exchange Day I ask a few SW's if this meant that once the child is settled would it not be possible for another child to be considered and I have to say I had conflicting answers. Our own SW said that a lot of children coming through now have significantly more needs as children with less needs are being taken in by extended family and need more parent to only child support. However, she said these things are not set in stone and if a child did really well a second child might be considered. I am interested to hear what you have heard??

floatyjosmum Tue 19-May-15 15:03:12

Big age gaps and single placements have always been popular but I think that with there being less children around it will seem like there's a lot more.

Some children will settle and another child placed will be ok for others it won't and it can never be predicted.
A number of adopters pull out of the process the second time round because of the impact on the child what is already with them.

Tangerineandturquoise Tue 19-May-15 15:20:27

I think you can do what you would do for each child you think might fit in your family- apply and make a persuasive case if and when the time comes to apply again

It may be the placing child has had a lot behaviours around other children that concern the SW, so if you take on a 4 year old now who is separated from younger siblings because they were too focused on parenting rather than being a child, you may find this behaviour re-emerges later on in life if you add another sibling

Or the child has high health or emotional needs that could suffer if you place another child in the family that will threaten the child's stability and security

We haven't had this with either DC but we have one friend who adopted was told only child/big gap only to be offered a sibling 5 years later
They can't tell how well the child will do with you- so it is a leap of faith on all sides, but if you want more than one for definite taking the risk may not be worth it.

oasiswaterpool Tue 19-May-15 16:15:08

it would be a risk we would unfortunately have to take. Following a break down in an introduction last year our SW is not enthusiastic about us having 2 children at once.

I just seem to keep seeing this 'to be only child' on most of the single children's profiles.

ChoccyJules Tue 19-May-15 16:29:41

It is certainly more common recently and we feel we have been rejected out of hand for children because we have a BC. I think that SWs have got it into their heads that having a BC adds to the possibility of adoption breakdown; and while they used to apply this theory only to adoptive children with high level emotional needs, they now apply it to all of them. And yes, I do realise that every adopted child has some level of emotional need. But no, I do not agree that denying most children experienced parents and siblings is a positive way of placing children. Whatever the age gap, cos that 2 years thing went out the window long ago. Am afraid I am very bitter about this situation at the moment.

Tangerineandturquoise Tue 19-May-15 18:31:35

Your situation sounds tough Choccy- I do think though initially parents may be very protective of their birth children in a way that they may not have adapted to being with adoptees. Whether there has been a scare locally to you I don't know? I do know first time around for us dogs were an issue because a couple had recently disrupted a child who had wanted a puppy to replace the old family dog and they told her they would rather replace her- I am VERY aware that would not be the only reason for the break down, but that is what they focused on. Actually dogs can play a part in disruptions in the early days which is why SWs do worry about them if they have been used as a child substitute, although they don't put up posters with adopters with dogs need not apply!

What I found hard in the first few months of our second placement was how often DC2 would go for DC1 with sticks hair pulling hitting biting (more extreme than average toddlers) honestly they couldn't actually be left in the same room together for several months-DC1 found it very hard but never retaliated.
Also the emotional outlets were difficult for DC1, and the rejecting behaviour interspersed with really positive interaction
DC1 also went through a huge emotional roller coaster on placement, he was emotional, he'd have meltdowns for hours (it was like the old days) he was convinced we no longer loved him.

It was VERY hard for all of us but especially for a child sifting through their own emotional baggage.
That said now that things are a bit more settled they have an amazing relationship and I can honestly say DC1 is the best thing that has ever happened to DC2. It is probably the most positive natural relationship that has developed yet in the family, and how DC1 responds to us I think has helped DC2 to start opening up.

Adopting two at different times, especially where there is no trauma bond is very different than having two placed together. It isn't easy, or even easier but I can't imagine how I would have coped with having both my DCs placed at the same time- other people might have coped really well, but probably not me.

oasiswaterpool Tue 19-May-15 19:14:58

I wonder ChoccyJules if when things improve and more children are given Placement Orders ideas about placing with adoptive children with BC will revert back to former views. Hang on in there, my SW said that after being a SW for a very long time she can say that the present situation could change pretty quickly.

It is good to hear that DC1 and DC2 have finally managed to have 'an amazing relationship' together you must be sooo relieved after all the difficulties and it is interesting that you wonder how you would have coped if the DC were placed at the same time. One child at a time for us if possible I think!

WereJamming Tue 19-May-15 23:28:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WereJamming Tue 19-May-15 23:29:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oasiswaterpool Wed 20-May-15 09:20:25

I think you are right WereJamming it is a decision based on what is best for the family and in particular the 1st child at the time.

oasiswaterpool Wed 20-May-15 12:49:18

Sorry WereJamming I finished too soon! I was just a bit concerned that in the future if applying to be approved for a 2nd child the fact that in that the details for the first child a SW had said 'only child' would close the door on a 2nd child even if the 1st child was thriving and as parents we could see them accepting a 2nd child?

SoonToBeSix Wed 20-May-15 13:14:48

But would a sw in the future have access to info on your first child? Wouldn't that breach confidentially.

WereJamming Wed 20-May-15 13:44:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Barbadosgirl Wed 20-May-15 20:50:11

Oasis, I think that when a child's profile says they should be the only child, it just means at that stage, not forever. So, I might want to adopt a child whose profile says "only child" and be unable to adopt him because I already have a son, but you might be able to adopt him because you don't. It doesn't mean you could not subsequently adopt again. The next child's sw only has to consider the needs of that child, not your current child, broadly.

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