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Adoption Reference Help?

(12 Posts)
Sadie9836 Fri 01-May-15 15:42:13


New to this so not sure what I�m doing exactly & have no idea what the abbreviations are�

Me & my husband are looking in to adoption, he is older than me & already has 4 of his own children by two different women. We�ve been together nearly 6 years & married for nearly 3.

I�m not aware that I can�t have children, however I feel that there are so many children in the world that need a loving family & I believe it is something we can offer to a child so have decided against trying for a birth child.

I have spoken to an agency & we are arranging a meeting & an information event, however since looking in to the whole process I�ve realised you need references from ex-partners, I lived with my ex-boyfriend for 5 years & have no worries about him being a reference as he is a good person & we had an amicable break up.

However I am worried about my husband�s ex-partner� they broke up for a number of reasons & my husband walked out, apparently they were going through a �bad patch� however within this bad patch, she managed to get pregnant (for the second time while on the pill) my husband told her he wasn�t happy enough in the relationship to have another child with her & she said she wouldn�t want to be a single parent to 2 children & they decided to have an termination, they broke up close to a year later, he couldn�t forgive her for things she had said she would do & didn�t & she said she couldn�t forgive him for making her terminate her baby so they went their separate ways, they ended in 2004 I met my husband in 2009, he�s ex in all honesty is an absolute nightmare, I tend to stay out of the way completely because it�s difficult to deal with her as she comes across selfish & bitter.

I�m worried that their decision to terminate their child, could reflect badly on us adopting, I�ve spoken to my husband about it, if the social workers contact her for a reference & she tells them about it, I worry they will questions us for not telling them, however if we were to tell them, his ex might not, I don�t will not lie to the social worker however I don�t know where we will stand with this or how you will react.

My husband thinks his ex will try & sabotage the adoption process for us so I�m really worried about this.

Does anyone have any advice on this situation please?

mydogistalking Fri 01-May-15 18:05:13

We had a number of very similar issues in our histories, including age gap and children from previous unhappy relationships etc. We were completely open about everything including messy break ups, terminations and evil ex wives! The ex in the end refused to speak to our social worker so they sent a letter specifically asking for a reply about key things like violence etc. she didn't reply.

We were approved without a problem. I can't emphasise enough how important honesty was. It was also important to show that we have each reflected on those experiences, learned from them and moved on.

The ex partners' opinions don't really matter and social services are used to dealing with spiteful ex spouses. Their focus is only on making sure there is no history of violence, abuse or other behaviours or issues that could prevent you from being good enough parents to an adopted child or children.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

ConfusedInBath Fri 01-May-15 20:05:56

Not been in your shoes exactly but have just had an assessment to care for my GS. We were 100% honest and forthcoming surrounding my exH. It was difficult in parts but I felt I needed to be as truthful as possible.

Sadie9836 Fri 01-May-15 22:10:11

Thanks for your replies really appreciate it. It's early days for us, I just hope that a decision that was made such a long time ago doesn't prevent us for adopting, do you think the termination is something we should mentioned from day one?

mydogistalking Fri 01-May-15 22:36:18

I think so. I had a termination in my late teens and was honest from the outset. Your Social Worker will want to explore with your husband how he feels about it - whether he understands and accepts his feelings about it.

We found that by being completely honest we could be confident we were in control (rather than leaving it in the lap of the Gods or their opposite, the ex!). It also showed we had worked through the hard stuff and could accept our pasts.

A big part of been an adoptive parent is being reconciled with yourself. Social workers worry about people not having dealt with their "stuff" as parenting an adoptive child needs you to be secure and available to them.

I'm sure you will be fine. The richer your past, the more experience and empathy you can offer to your future kids. Your story read so much like ours it was weird...and we're here now having been approved and about to go to matching panel for a group of kids so perfect for us we couldn't have grown them so well ourselves!

ConfusedInBath Sat 02-May-15 06:48:32

Lovely reply Mydog. Spot on.

Sadie9836 Sat 02-May-15 08:52:48

Mydog, thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question & it's been great that you can relate to our situation, I really appreciate your advice & take it on board. I wish you all the best with your children I hope that'll be us soon :-) take care x

mydogistalking Sat 02-May-15 09:44:23

No problem! Best of luck to you two too.

Italiangreyhound Sat 02-May-15 12:02:18

I have not been in your shoes but agree with others to be honest from start about things. For me personally I would suggest these details would be best discussed in your initial meeting with a social worker rather than on the phone. This might be at an open day event if there is a chance to talk privately (I think we were the last to leave and spend a lot of time talking to the head honcho!) but more likely will be in the first meeting at your home which is sometimes called something like an initial visit.

One of my worries was anxiety, I had it about 15 years ago, the temptation was to blurt it out as if this was a major thing! I managed to resist that temptation and told the whole story of me and my dh trying to conceive number two in the context of our brief life stories in our living room on that initial visit.

My personal opinion would be to talk through all this with your dh first so hat nothing he will say will shock or surprise you (yes, you may have done this before, if it was me I would do it again in a quite sitting in the living room context so that you are ready for whatever he reveals if that makes sense).

I would also say that I think the social workers might be more interested in the fact you could potentially have birth children and have chosen not to. That may be one area they talk to you about more rather than what happened many years ago in a previous relationship. But you still need to be totally honest about the past.

Sadie9836 Sat 02-May-15 16:12:07

Thank you for your advice, I will speak to him in regards to this & I think it would be best initially coming from us.

I've had lengthy chat on the phone with the agency behind my reasons of adoption, I was worried that the fact that I could potentially have children could be agisnt us & the lady ask for my reasons of why I would like to adopt, long story short, I feel that there are a lot of children in the world needing loving parents & families, which I believe it's something I can offer.

I was pleased to hear that it wouldn't be held against us.

Italiangreyhound Sat 02-May-15 17:50:30

Sadie great and I do not think it will be held against you, it just needs to be understood and they also need to feel sure you will not change your mind. Because if a new child is placed with you and then you decide you want to have a birth child this could be very difficult for the new adopted child. I think it is just important to be sure this is right for you, your husband has had birth children so it is really a case of is it going to be OK for you not to, and only you know that.

Hope the first meeting at home goes well.

Sadie9836 Sun 03-May-15 18:51:55

Thank you me too :-)

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