Friend's Match Fallen Through – Help Please

[NessaroseThropp]

Hi All – I'm a regular MNer but have NCd in case I out myself. Apologies for vagueness but I'm sure you understand!

My friend and her husband have been going through the adoption process, and 6 weeks ago were matched with a child. Both SWs were pleased with the match. Friend and her husband met the child at an activity day and got on really well. Matching Panel is scheduled for next week and they’ve been having introductions / preparing the room and so on.

Yesterday Friend and her husband got a call from the SW to say that the child’s FC has objected to the match. They are still going to panel but SW has said that they shouldn’t get their hopes up. They are absolutely distraught and after a quick text to close friends family members to let them know, they’ve said they don’t want to talk to anybody and have now “gone to ground”. No word at all.

I was wondering if you guys could offer me some advice. How best can DH and I support them? They have already had "oh well, there'll be another one soon" sorts of comments, which I can’t help feeling is like telling somebody who's had a miscarriage they can always have another – or am I being oversensitive? I just can’t stop thinking about them in their lovely home with the child’s bedroom all ready and no child. . I suspect I’m being a but over sensitive to it all as the child they were matched with was the same age / gender as my DC. Daft really.

Anybody any experience of a FC objecting to a match and it going ahead anyway, or the FC / family sorting out the problem? Is it common for the FC to object at such a late stage, when they've already had loads of meetings and all seemed well?

Thanks all.

[iwishkidslikedtomatoes]

Can't offer any knowledge on the foster carer front, sorry. But as an adopter, who went through the challenges of matching, I think you're right in saying I wouldn't want to hear 'they'll be another one soon', that would really upset me and some people said that to us when one of our potential matches broke down and we weren't as far as long as the situation you are talking about. I do have friends where an adoption broke down at a similar stage, who also wanted to go radio silent for a bit. I think the best support you can offer is "thinking of you, when you're ready and IF you want to chat, I'm here" and leave it at that Awful situation So sorry x

[EatSleepRunRepeat]

Yes, just let them know you are there if they want to talk it over. They need to get this straight in their own heads in their own time.

We were in a similar situation earlier this year, the match we had broke down after we had started preparing bedroom and everything. It was really really difficult to come to terms with. We were matched in November and had planned panel for early in the new year. However it was delayed several times due to more work being requested as part of the placement order. In Feb we were told it was going back for final approval and then we'd get panel re-booked for soon after so get everything ready, but it was delayed again.

Then delayed again in March...

The lead up to each decision point was hard, anticipation, waiting for news, then the complete disappointment.

At this point we had good chat with our SW and we were given the option to continue (with little guarantee over timescales or even whether it would happen), or to pull out.

We "went to ground" a little bit, it was a decision for us to make and nobody else. We picked ourselves up and cleared off for a bit of last minute sun. Eventually we came to the decision that we had to pull out. It was getting harder and harder to cope with. We felt really guilty about it, but it was for the best at that stage. We had a bedroom almost ready, the match already existed in our lives in some respects.

A few weeks on we looked at more profiles, one in particular stuck out at us as being absolutely perfect for our family. Within a couple of weeks, LAD and MP were booked in. All being well we meet our LO for the first time less than a month from now.

[Threesocksnohairbrush]

We had a match nearly get to panel but fall through at a late stage. While I wouldn't say to them that 'there will be another', like Pps it was quite soon after that we saw a child's profile who became our DC, and that moved like greased lightning. So let them grieve for this match - it must be very difficult having met the child - but don't let them give up hope

It wouldn't be uncommon for an FC to ask to adopt their foster child, and they have the legal right to apply to do so if the child's been living with them for more than a year. If that's what has happened then it may well be that panel would decide its in the childs best interests to stay. Very hard for your friends but may well be the right decision for the child.

If FCs 'object' in the sense that they don't feel your friends are the right adopters then that is a different kettle of fish. Have they met your friends? I would think that the question would then rest on the FCs grounds for objection, the SWs and panel's relationship with the FCs and how highly they rate their opinion. The final decision in that case is the matching panel's, FCs don't have any formal right of veto.

Good luck whichever way it goes - I think you can just be a supportive, kind and listening ear.

[NessaroseThropp]

Thanks all.

Three the FC hasn't applied to adopt the child - she has said she does not feel my friends are suitable but my friends haven't had further details yet - presumably they will get that? They had met the child with the FC quite a few times and seemed to be getting on fine so it's come as a complete shock. So there's a chance the panel might still approve the match?

I'm really glad things are working out for everybody else. How lovely to be welcoming new DCs into your lives!

[bberry]

I think you need to respect their decision to need time to themselves... Send them a brief message saying you understand, are therefor them when they are ready and will wait for them to contact you

They don't want well meaning words or advice.... They need their own head/emotional space

[fasparent]

Think panel may have different view's, FC's should be non judgemental in all area's , such with BM's, Adoptive parents, and such like.
All family's are different, in many, many ways this should not be an obstacle, just the ability too love and care for the child's future . Simple really. When meeting the child Adoptees are very nervous have too learn all the child's life history, problems, like's & dislikes in such a very short time, daunting exercise for anyone, So do need FC's be none judgemental understanding and supportive.

[Threesocksnohairbrush]

It sounds a very unusual and difficult situation all round then. Normally how it would work Is that potential adopters would meet the childs social workers, possibly the child at an activity day as you've described. THEN the match would be approved at panel and shortly after that introductions would start. Obviously anyone can call a halt to the process if grave reservations appear during introductions, but normally you'd start working closely with child and FCs once all the formal approvals are in place.

So this doesn't sound like the process I would expect, hence hard to predict. All I would say is as far as I know FCs don't have a formal veto or indeed a formal role in the decision making process. A wise panel would listen carefully to their views because they will know the child better than anyone. But as fasparent says, it can also be very hard for them to be objective about a child they have cared for over a long period and nervous adopters. I was surprised anyone trusted me with a hamster when we were doing introductions with dc1

It's also not impossible that the FCs who know the child better than anyone else, feel there are needs not understood by the SWs that may be more than your friends can deal with. That's pure speculation but it does happen.

So very hard to know what will happen IMO - a kind and listening ear when they need it will go a long way. Good luck.

[NessaroseThropp]

Thank you all for your comments.

She has resurfaced now but does not want to discuss the adoption at all. I think they are due to go to panel next week so there's still some hope but who knows what will happen.

Three that's a really good point, perhaps something was missed at some point which has just come to light?

She has made arrangements to come down and visit us later this month so if she wants to talk we can do so then. She lives 5 hours away so not easy to have a proper chat really.