why adopt?

[ann0102]

why did you all decide to adopt?

i have a birth child via IVF and we decided to adopt because we want more children/to be parents again. i find it really hard when friends say things like "what your doing is so good" "your so brave" etc. why can't people just accept i want to be a mum again.

i'm sure i'm not alone but i sure feel it right now. :(

[LastingLight]

I adopted because my DH came with a little girl... whom he also adopted. It's a long story. But yes, we also get the "oh what a wonderful thing it was that you did" attitude while in fact we just legalised a relationship that was already strong, loving and forever. You are not alone!

[minkychickwithpeachyknicks]

What exactly is the problem? I woUld also say something along the lines of "good for you" because there are not enough people in the world willing to adopt and too many children in the world needing to be adopted. Why do you find it so hard to hear people praising you for adopting? I don't get it

[iwishkidslikedtomatoes]

We adopted because we couldn't have children naturally and I felt a lot of things had happened in my life that led me to the point where I was meant to adopt (experiences to be able to empathise with an adopted child), we therefore bypassed IVF and adopted siblings, these additional two facts make me Mother Theresa apparently, according to the people around me and im definitely not! I just wanted to be a mum and chose another route but that falls on deaf ears, so now i just give an awkward smile, say 'well i get to be a mum' and move the conversation on. You're definitely not alone Part of the course I'm afraid but better that way than the opposite, that's how I see it now (having had one person in my life do the opposite!).

[Mama1980]

You aren't alone. I 'adopted' (by sgo due to my eldest age but legally I have full PR and other legal rights, long story so equivalent to a adoption order in practice) initially because I was ss last resort, I walked into a room thinking I would discuss what would happen, my dd saw me and wouldn't let go. Decision made.
My youngest dd (adopted) is her biological half sister I adopted her because I wanted to, her bm requested it and I felt it was the right decision all round.
I have 4 children 2 adopted, two birth and am a single mum (another long story ) I am not brave or special (things people usually say when they hear) I honestly believe we all just try to do the best we can to be happy and make our children so.
I try to see the humour these days my eldest (she's 17) calls it the slut to saint effect because of my age I'd have been 15 if I'd given birth to her, people look at me and they judge then when and if they hear the story I go from as dd puts it a slut to a saint in about 20 seconds. It used to make me so cross but I have a thicker skin these days, plus I don't explain myself half as much as I used to.

[PacificDogwood]

My aunt and uncle adopted my cousin as a baby some 45+ years ago as they were unable to have a biological child and this was the only option open to them.

I have birth children and no adopted children but kind of get what you mean.
I get the 'I admire you so' from family members (for WOHM and having kids. I know ) which I find really irritating. I just do what I have to do to keep us going reasonably happily and constructively.

I think adopting/having more IVF/deciding on another baby without help/deciding NOT to try for another baby by whichever means is such a personal thing that none of us can truly understand what motivates somebody else.

I do think it takes a certain type of person or couple to consider adoption. There appears to be more people prepared to put themselves through IVF and all that entails (which you know only too well) than those considering adoption. I think people often express admiration for something that they know is a Good Thing to do but that they are not prepared to or able to do.

I hope you have the family you hope for very soon

[Devora]

Because I wanted another child, and for a number of reasons this was the best route to doing so.

I didn't do it as an act of charity, and I'm not good or brave. I think the problem adoptive parents have with this compliment (and I know it is meant as such) is that it implies parenting our children is somehow not as good as parenting birth children, so we have to be noble to do it. Also because we don't want our children hearing this, as already many of them have low self-esteem; the last thing they need is to feel that they are 'lucky' or in our debt because we took them on. And finally, because it somehow detracts from what we are really doing, which is not a daily act of sainthood, but plain old parenting.

I know that must sound like massive over-thinking, but the experience of adoption does force you to rethink lots of things

[Italiangreyhound]

I wanted another child and after thousands in fertility treatment we had no more money for treatment. However, I had always wanted to adopt too! So when we made the decision I was happy because a new door was opening.

There may be lots of reasons why people say things. My main criteria is - Are they trying to be nice? If yes, I smile and say thank you but we are the lucky ones etc etc.

I would not want people to think we had adopted our son because we wanted to be nice, or charitable, or do something good. Although that may have drawn me to adoption when I first thought about it in my 20s!

My main concern would be, are they saying these things to me in front of my son, or dd, or when alone with my son (you are so lucky you were adopted etc)... that would annoy me and I would want to explain why my son is not 'lucky' and why we are.

[excitedmamma]

Because I fell in love with my foster child and couldn't bear the thought of her moving on (again) and our lives without her

[Kewcumber]

Why do you find it so hard to hear people praising you for adopting? I don't get it

Because people don't think you're brave/wonderful/marvelous for having birth children.

We adopt mostly because (as others have said) we are selfish and desperate and we love our children every bit as intensely and devotedly as every other parent.

We don't want that reality diminished by feeling that others think of the bond with our children as being some kind of socially benevolent act.

I don't to be praised for becoming a parent. By all means tell me (after observing it) that my parenting skills are great. But being an adopter doesn't make you wonderful or brave - in fact I have actually met at least one shockingly dreadful adoptive parent (criminally dreadful) and one who was just about adequate - are they wonderful too?

Implying that my child needs someone special, brave or wonderful in order to parent them irritates the tits off me.

Of course I don;t say that.

I say...

"Thank you. I am"

[MyNameIsFled]

We are wanting to adopt as we can't have more biological children. For me it's a need to have more children. DH is slightly more on the fence (doesn't have quite the same biological drive although wants more children) and thinks it's partly because he thinks there are thousands of children who need a home so it's a good thing to do. I don't think it's makes us "better" people for doing it though

[iwishkidslikedtomatoes]

That sums it up Kew :)

I haven't had anyone say it infront of my children, I would take issue with that and have to correct. I have had someone say "why choose to adopt instead of having you're own?" in front of them...I'm fully aware of what my protective mummy side looks like after that!

To think of it from another point of view.... you wouldn't say to a couple who choose not to have children that it's 'such a wonderful thing you're doing, not increasing the population I mean, when there are so many people and not enough resources...' because that's not the reason they're doing it (I presume not for most), despite the benefit to the planet and yet that is essentially the equivalent statement said to adopters.

BUT, big BUT! it all comes from a place of love and if I weren't an adopter I'd probably say something similar to someone who was!!!!

[iwishkidslikedtomatoes]

*your

[Kewcumber]

I think also saying it to someone in the inital stages of adoption that what their doing is brave, wonderful etc etc is fraught with difficulty because if you have arrived in this place after horrible failed fertility treatment you really don't feel very wonderful or brave. You feel bruised and battered and emotional and terrified and desperate, and secretly a bit worried that you're about to make the worst mistake of your life!

[MyNameIsFled]

Exactly Kew

[Devora]

Yes, a friend kept saying to me throughout the time I was applying to adopt, "Aren't you scared?", "Have you read up about what can go wrong?" and just, "You're SO brave", while shaking her head. It was Not Great.

Funnily enough, quite soon after she had to, quite unexpectedly, become the kinship carer for a relatives' children.

[Desmoulinsonatable]

It echoes what others have said but, I simply could not conceive. We felt very ambivalent about IVF as a choice for us and we want to be parents. That's it, definitely not brave and not wonderful.

[Chev123]

I'm adopting because I'm single and have always wanted to be a mum. I knew I could love a child and that I didn't need to give birth to feel that love. I've known all my life that fostering or adoption would be something I'd do with or without birth children. What is amazing is how many peoples preconceptions of adoption are so wrong. Friends are starting to open their eyes to the process now!

[Jennifersrabbit]

Very much what other people have said. Adopting my kids was not an act of charity - it was born out of exactly the same selfish need that any other parent has. And from there it hasn't been about altruism its been about love. I have made it through some extremely challenging times with DS, and will probably go through more with him because I love him. Altruism wouldn't have begun to cut it.

As Kew said you can tell me I'm a good parent - feel free especially if you know about DS difficulties. But please don't tell me I'm marvellous

[CloserToFiftyThanTwenty]

A bit of all the above

Agree wholeheartedly with growing a thick skin and perfecting the "smile and nod" technique for well intentioned comments

[2old2beamum]

Number 1 DS came out of the blue. Adoption was not on our agenda, 3 homegrowns 9,11 &12.

Was working on NICU as a midwife when called to a breech delivery. Baby delivered a bit poorly and was Down Syndrome I took him to NICU. He improved and birth parents visited and I excitedly said "he will be home soon" They were unable to cope. He went to Foster Parents. I was so angry (I did not blame parents )

I went to SS that were based in hospital and they rather quickly started the assessment and it took 5 months!

He is the 1st of 8

PS I really don't think it would happen now!

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

We wanted to be parents.

We did choose adoption as our first option, partly for the altruistic stuff, but I wonder if we could have had a child who was biologically both of ours, if we might have felt differently about having a birth child. We are both women, so someone would have potentially been a bit left out. Saying that, if we hadn't been able to adopt, a birth child would most definitely have been on the cards. We really wanted to be parents.

Interestingly, no-one has ever told me that I'm amazing or wonderful for adopting. I suspect people don't really think through that we could have gone down the birth child route if we'd chosen.

That's fine, though secretly I find it a bit irritating. Not because I think we are wonderful, but because there's an assumption there already that same-sex couples are somehow 'less than', so we should be grateful for being parents at all.

[64x32x24]

Nothing wonderful or brave here either. I hate it especially when people keep banging on about it even after I have explained 'it is us who are lucky' etc.

Though to be fair, you would have to catch me in a 'feeling brave' moment in order for me to consider adopting again.

(But to be truthful in the sense of 'entire truth', I should add that you would equally have to catch me 'feeling brave' to consider having another birth child!)

[PacificDogwood]

See, I think all loving parents are rather marvellous

to us all