FINALLY I have found other UK birth mums!!

[Fabalooloo]

Ive been searching the Internet night after night trying to find other women who are also in my situation regarding placing their child for adoption. All I've found is support groups and forums for America. I've had a little nosey on here and seen a few posts about UK birth mums

Obviously UK laws are very different on adoption than American laws. Over there they have so much say in it all and in the UK everything's alot more closed. So it would be nice to speak with some people going through the same thing. I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant and my social workers havn't even arranged a meeting with an adoption agency yet. The whole process is taking ages to get going. My SW hasn't even got experience with a woman wanting to give her baby away apparently it's really rare in the UK! Probably cos it's such a cold process. I have been told I might be able to meet the potential adoptees, however they have told me this whole process takes that long they may not even have parents in place for when the child is born! I let them know from 6 weeks pregnant! It's ridiculous.
If anyone has experience with this please get in touch
Thanks for listening.

[Hels20]

Sorry - but is this a serious post? You discovered you were pregnant and immediately decided to have the baby adopted?

[friendofsadgirl]

I'm not going through anything like this but I know this group helped a friend? www.baaf.org.uk/info/pregnant

[Fabalooloo]

Of course this is a serious post. I did immediately know i wanted to chose adoption. I'm 13 weeks now and still feel the same.

[Fabalooloo]

Thankyou friendsofsadgirl I will check it out.

[friendofsadgirl]

I hope you get some support soon

[Ikeatears]

Have a look at the AfterAdoption forums - you'll get lots of support there from birth parents and adoptees and adopters.
forums.afteradoption.org.uk

[antumbra]

Was this baby planned?

[YouAreMyRain]

I don't think much can be done until after the baby is born and the legal stuff is completed. This is because you may change your mind after the birth.
Do you understand the impact and lasting effects of adoption on children? You sound bright and breezy but it's actually very serious. Hope you are ok and getting support.

[Fabalooloo]

I would like to add that this has been an extremely tough decision that I havn't made lightly and I'm offended people think that I've made it so easily. It wasn't planned no, and I found out very early on. I considered all my options for 2 weeks before contacting the social worker. And I'm glad I did contact them so early because I'm now in my second trimester and only had one visit to assess me. Not much progress at all. But this has been the hardest decision I've ever had to make and I know that changing my mind last minute is a possibility but I have to stay strong.

[Chev123]

Hi I'm adopting a relinquished child and there are multiple stages for the birth mum along the way. My social worker has not experienced it from an adopters view point either so I've looked into it a lot. Your social worker should refer you to cafcass and also be offering you counselling. There are many many stages where if you want more thinking time or more information then things should stop and this option explored. The birth mum of my child always knew adoption was the plan but this didn't mean it was an easy decision. There were many private reasons which I suspect you may also have as to why she chose adoption but the hardest thing for me is how I can ever thank her for allowing me to become a mum by making what I can only imagine is the hardest decision ever. In my eyes that makes her extremely brave and that is what I will tell my child about her. From my child's report I think visits were every few months. If you want more then ask your social worker for more. Good luck and big hugs xxxx

[friendofsadgirl]

Fabalooloo came on here for support and I'm sure hers is a decision no one comes to easily.
If it is a situation you are uncomfortable with, there's no need to follow the thread or to comment. This is not AIBU.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Women don't tend to relinquish babies in the uk because we have relatively easy access to free abortion and a good benefits system. Unlike the US which has neither. Relinquishing babies is extremely rare.
They won't assess you until you are closer to the due date because there is little point. They also won't allow you to have much info about adoptive parents because it's not really necessary or helpful for you to do so. It's not your decision who is matched with the baby and nor should it be (unlike the insane American system) although that's not to say you should be marginalised.
Best of luck with it all, I hope you get the support you need.

[YouAreMyRain]

Ehric - with a relinquished baby, the birth parents can choose to have a say in who adopts their child. They can specify certain criteria etc.

[Italiangreyhound]

Fabalooloo this must be a very hard time for you. May I ask how you know you do not want to parent your baby when they are born?

Many birth parents on this site may well have had their children removed from them, some may have eventually agreed with that decision, some may not. I guess I am just saying this because you may find that there is a wide variety of birth parents (who no longer care for their children) in this country, and the vast majority will not have chosen to relinquish their babies.

[Italiangreyhound]

Fabalooloo I think it is good if you can have some input into the adopters who will adopt your baby, if you choose to go through with it. But it is not like the American system (as I understand it) where you actually pick the couple or person.

Have you had any independent counselling offered to you.

[Chev123]

Also one of the things my child's BM has been able to request is more contact both in frequency and pictures etc than is usually asked for. Do get counselling please if you can. Any decision is hard and you need all the support you can get, now and in the future xx

[YouAreMyRain]

Fabalooloo, hope you're ok. I'm sorry if my first response was harsh, it's just that adoption isn't necessarily a benign choice. What does the baby's father think about the baby being adopted? Once the baby is born he will have equal rights over what happens to it and he could oppose the adoption. It may seem like the easiest option now but there's s lot to consider and you need more information about the emotional and legal side.

I really hope you're ok. You must be scared. You need some support and counselling. Could you speak to your GP or midwife?

[Italiangreyhound]

Rain it is my understanding the birth father only has rights if he has Parental Responsibility (PR) - which I think has a different name in Scotland. This is an important issue, Fabalooloo and you should get some independent advice on this.

[YouAreMyRain]

I think the birth father can apply to the courts to get a DNA test and then gets PR based on the outcome of the test. Presuming they are not named on the birth certificate.
In the OPs case, if she has told SS the name of the father and he accepts that he is the father, that would give him a good case for PR but I'm sure of the legality. It's something that the OP needs proper advice on. She could be determined for the baby to be adopted and the father could maybe undermine that, if he chooses to.

[Italiangreyhound]

Rain totally agree, proper advice as this could be an issue if an adoption is arranged and then a birth father appears! Interestingly, if a person is married and the baby is not the biological child of the husband the husband is still the one who gets PR automatically unless another man can prove paternity, if I have read this right!

Only applicable for that situation.

But there are situations where the wrong, e.g. incorrect birth father could be named and then the real birth father cause complications later. It is not an issue op if you get proper advice.

[mytartanscarf]

Why is it that when somebody wants to keep their baby or have a termination everybody is right behind the poster informing them that it's their body/baby and their choice,but when somebody CHOOSES to have their child adopted they are on the receiving end of abuse?

As for 'was this baby planned' is the politest response to such a rude remark, I think.

[Italiangreyhound]

mytartanscarf I really do not think anyone is against Fabalooloo if she feels this is the right thing for her and her baby. Aside from a random comment I think people have tried to be helpful.

But if any of us were surprised by the initial post (and I was a wee surprised by Fabalooloo's posts because she did sound quite bright and breezy about something which is very serious. She has said herself she is only 13 weeks pregnant. So unless she knew she was pregnant almost immediately the decision has only been made in the last few weeks.

I think we all want to help Fabalooloo in this situation, and as she posted on the adoption threads, we are the people who are here... these threads are almost exclusively visited by adopters and people preparing to adopt or thinking about adoption (IME). So I do hope it is not too much of a surprise that most of us are adopters who are wanting to make her aware of things we know, have heard or read about and are aware of.

Fabalooloo I hope you will continue to post here and that we can be of help. If you need any. You may find some birth parents who have relinquished through posting here. As I say many of the regular posters here are adopters and those hoping to adopt. And most children who are adopted are not relinquished in this country.

However, I feel sure that these facts does not clash with the fact we absolutely would have a desire to be helpful, have the best interests of you and other posters at heart and only try and give sound advice if we feel we can.

[friendofsadgirl]

Totally agree mytartanscarf, I suspect that is why we haven't heard from OP again. How awful to go looking for support, think you have found the right forum to find that support only to be asked some impertinent questions which then lead you to leave the conversation.

[Italiangreyhound]

friendofsadgirl many of us on here have been totally supportive and are wanting to help if we can.

I hope the OP will return to speak to us if it is helpful to her.

I have been totally open of my experience of adoption, may I ask, please, just out of interest friendofsadgirl and mytartanscarf, what is your experience of birth children and adoption? Because if you would like to be supportive to the OP it would be good to do so instead of criticising those of us who have come along to offer advice.

[friendofsadgirl]

greyhound, I wasn't criticising you at all. The OP has not commented since long before you first posted your advice since she was probably put off by a couple of the pp. I actually made that comment because I think it is sad that potentially useful advice will probably not be read thanks to a couple of insensitive remarks.