Please hold my hand

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

ADD2 age 10 is due to go on a 4 night school residential next week.

She's only ever had 1 night away from me (placed age 2.5). She is emotionally a bit young for her age, doesn't like goodbyes, misses home when we go on holidays.

She's worried about being away from us. She's scared of some of the activities. She's worried she'll get laughed at if she chooses not to do some or can't do them. And worried she'll get laughed at if she chooses not to go (whole class going except 1 child who doesn't even do b-day parties).

Tonight is third night in a row she hasn't settled well (usually very good). We've got 6 more nights before she goes.

If she goes.

It could be fantastic for her if she goes and 'survives', but terrible if we have to collect her early and she 'fails' in front of her peers.

Not helped by it being on the IoW, so across the water.

DD1 has done various school trips. Her first was only a year after placement and she was nearly 2 years younger than DD2 is now. But I was never anywhere near this concerned about how she would cope.

I have confidence she will be well looked after by the adults. Not complete confidence that school mates will be supportive. I'm waivering as to whether she should go or not. But maybe that's me being overprotective.

[OutragedFromLeeds]

Does she actually want to go? Ignoring her classmates response, if she could decide in a vacuum, would she want to go?

If yes, then she should go.

If no, then she should stay home. I'd let her make up a lie about why she couldn't go to tell her friends if she's worried about being laughed at.

I know teaching them to lie isn't ideal, but 10 year old girls can be really awful.

(I haven't adopted, so I'm basing this on what I'd do with my DC).

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Does she actually want to go?

Ahh. The 10 million dollar question.

She part wants to go. A number of the activities sound fun. The school has talked it up. But part of her is scared.

I don't know what is for the best.

[OutragedFromLeeds]

It's a really tricky one! I guess you just have to see what decision she makes on the day. My DC's school does an annual residential trip in year 6 and this year there were two kids that pulled out right at the last minute i.e. turned up at the coach with suitcase, but couldn't go through with it. Ten is still quite little really.

[HappySunflower]

Do they need any parent helpers?
I'm wounding if that might be a possible solution/halfway house.....

If not, based on what you've said, I don't think I would send her, at least not for tne entire time. If she could go for one or two nights (perhaps telling her friends she has to be back for a family event or something) that might work?

[slkk]

I've been on these trips and in my experience the children are so well looked after. Last year we had some who were really homesick and one member of staff sat up with them reading bedtime stories from a fairy tale book. Another changed rooms and ended up sleeping top and tail with her friend as it helped her settle. We had a code so we could check our asd boy's bed was dry without alerting his roommates. Speak to her school and try and get a key adult to look out for her. I hope she goes as most children grow so much during these trips, but I think success may be dependent on the adults accompanying the trip and her relationship with them.

[slkk]

By the way I've also been to one of the isle of Wight ones. We actually had a parent come and stay on the other side of the campsite. They kept out of the way but were close enough for their peace of mind. Not what I'd really recommend but it has been done!

[Italiangreyhound]

Wow, just as an aside I went to the Isle of Wight aged 12 about 38 years ago!!

OK Sanders just going to agree with everyone else.... pretty much.. IMVHO

If she wants to go, let her
If she wants to stay, let her
If you can go for a helper for the whole time or just for a day at the start or end or half way through, then do... (the school may be pleased of a helper, She could tell her friends you were needed by the school not by her maybe)
You could go and stay somewhere nearby, if it would help her, the Travelodge in the centre of the Island is very cheap and easily accessible to the whole island.

I am all for lying if it saves face... wanted to go, was ill etc etc. So what if it is a lie, better to save her face in this IMVHO but if at all possible better for her to go, even if only for a few days. Better to go at beginning and pull out than to arrive later when they have all grown closer.

Good luck, it is big ask of the school!! MY dd does her big trip next year and she has already had one and two night stays away with Brownies and once at my sisters.

I am sure there are lots of wise words somewhere on here about transitional objects and maybe stuff like I'll be thinking of you at 8.00 a.m. and 8.00 pm and sending my best wishes (as a Christian I would say, I will say a little prayer for you.)

Can she be allowed use of a phone once a day or would that make it worse? At our school they are not allowed to take their phones and ring home. I know it is all for a reason and makes sense but does slightly piss me off!

Good luck.

[Italiangreyhound]

I meant I went on a school trip there of course! We were the first year to go in the UK, other years had gone to France!

[RaisingSteam]

Have you talked to school about these worries? Particularly about being picked on, will they be watching out for this, would someone personally encourage/support her if she needs it? I.e. a teacher aware of the attachment issues, risk aversion etc. I agree a key adult who knows the background would make all the difference.

My AS isn't going on his residential this year. He did last year, but was too scared to do any of the more risky activities, and asked not to go this year. So we have just said thanks but no thanks to school. He was also sharing a room with 3 boys from the year above who have form for bullying, which can't have helped.

His older brother is one of life's natural risk takers and loved the whole thing when he did it. They are all so different!

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Thank you all. I knew you'd 'get' it.

The school is great and generally gets her. They are fully aware of her concerns and also the anxiousness she is displaying. They are giving her opportunities to talk with her teacher and the ELSA. She knows the room allocations, the kinds of food, the tasks. The HT is going which is fab.

Sadly her best friend is the one child not going.

We considered DH staying staying nearby (on a thread elsewhere regarding same issue under my usual name but not mentioning adoption I was told I was being daft or words to that effect). We are absolutely ready to go and collect her if needed, or have her stay in a B&B with Dh and just turn up for the daytime stuff.

It would really help her independence skills if she can go and stay over without us, even if she does none of the activities. If she can cope with it.

If she really doesn't want to go though we won't force her.

[slkk]

Ok, I've been on a few of these trips. One year some children from our asd unit just came for the daytime. They loved it so if staying with you is a compromise that will make it work the I think it will be worth it. Last hear one of our non asd girls struggled at night and said ' at bedtime I just want to go home but in the morning I'm so happy I'm here'.
Unfortunately the phone thing is for a reason, Italian. On year a child just wouldn't settle - tears at night and wouldn't be calmed for first 2 nights. Then we found his phone. He had been calling his mum and they had been telling each other how much they missed each other and this completely unsettled him. We took the phone (told the parents) an he was absolutely fine.
Good luck, Sanders. I hope you manage to give her enough support so she can enjoy herself and not feel disappointed or that she has 'failed' if she doesn't manage the whole trip.

[CloserToFiftyThanTwenty]

I also went on a school trip to the IoW many moons ago, and have great memories...

Anyway, I'd make sure that there was an adult who knew about everything you've put here and that DD knows if she has concerns this is the person she should go to

[Italiangreyhound]

Sanders re We considered DH staying staying nearby (on a thread elsewhere regarding same issue under my usual name but not mentioning adoption I was told I was being daft or words to that effect). To be honest most people who have not experienced children with any kinds of issues or whatever can be pretty ignorant of the problems. My non-adopted dd (same age as your dd2) gives us plenty of problems and issues and I know people (even very close to me) think it is my fault for not being strict enough with her!

So please do ignore anyone who thinks a caring parent dealing with big issues is daft. We all know who is daft.

[Italiangreyhound]

Yes slkk I know you are right and I know it is for a reason. I actually think it also helps the parents. It is a real case of no news is good news. If all kids are safe and well the school will not call. Selected photos and info will appear on the school website (Obviously if children cannot 'appear' on line that would be respected but seeing photos of class mates having fun would also be reassuring. And in the unlikely event of a problem school get in touch.

The alternative of course is almost 60 kids (we have two school years) potentially all talking on phones, all reporting who said what to whom, who slipped and got muddy, who did or did not do this or that. Then you migt have potentially 119 parents on phones all saying who said what to whom etc (I said 119 because my husband is way too sensible and way to conversation-avoidant to be doing that!)

So yes, just a minute of reflection and I know it would be a bad idea! But for someone in Sander's DD2's position I wonder if being allowed to call home once a day might be allowed/work/help?

PS Wonder if the school trip is now the main money spinner of IOW!

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

I agree a phone wouldn't help. If the school really felt she needed to talk with us then the teacher would ring from her own phone.

We've done her a letter in the style of Tom Gates, light-hearted with silly pictures, which we'll give to the teacher to pass over mid week if they feel it would help her.

[Kewcumber]

Sometimes the idea that she knows you would swoop in if she was finding it too much is enough to give an anxious child confidence.

And the fact that you believe she can do it.

And that in the event that she needs some extra support (perhaps DH going down midweek to take her out for dinner and he staying the night at a B&B with him) it will be there.

Tell her she's amazing and she can cope with whatever she wants to and you will support her to cope with anything that she wants to.

I'm sure you've done this.

I have an anxious child too - they have a short residential trip in Autumn of a couple of nights only an hour away - I'm very glad he gets a mini-trip to prepare before teh week long one!

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Thanks Kew. She's been a bit better last night and tonight, partly distracted by World Book Day tomorrow. Generally talking a bit more positively which is good. Can't decide which cuddly toys to take. That is a very important decision!

[Italiangreyhound]

GREAT news.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Looking OK at the moment ...

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

This Monday.
Busy day to day, distance swim (see my shameless boast thread) and then a party this evening (7:30-9:00pm for 10 year olds??).

Going to pack with her tomorrow morning while she's fresh. Then Monday we lug the bag to school (or drive if raining) and wave her off on the coach (hopefully).

[Italiangreyhound]

good luck.

PLEASE keep posting through the week if it helps.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Well. 2 bad nights. Last night saying she didn't want to go and was scared about all of it.
This morning not joyful, but not crying either, went into school OK.

Waved the coach off late morning. She had a smile on her face

Fingers crossed....

[mumofoneab]

GL had same experience with my daughter, took her to school and she was still waivering but was whisked off to school by teacher who had offered to look out for her. Teacher was v good, made sure DDs room was near hers etc. Had a few shaky moments inweek (I spoke to teacher not DD as that would have upset her) but although v glad to be back had surprised herself at really enjoying and doing well at some activities, and allowed to sit out one. Hope all is well and I believe she will be glad she went when she gets back as would feel left out otherwise with her friends.