Does anyone know anything about dismissive/avoidant attachment disorder in adults?

[rumbleinthejungle]

I am adopted and didn't form any secure attachments until the age of three.

I've just done an online questionnaire and found out, as I suspected, I'm off the scale when it comes to the above. I've always been fiercely independent and a 'closed book's but it's causing serious problems in my marriage as I feel suffocated. Is there anything I can do to help?

I've also posted this in chat

[auntybookworm]

Hello Rumble,

I didn't want to read and run. Others will be along with the experience you need and much better advice than me.

I do have some thoughts thoughts, from working with people who have attachment challenges, some of them significant.

IMHO Changes are possible, but needs correct support from professionals. Altering the way you relate to others will take work, as I am sure you are aware, and you will need a supportive network of people to support you and complete work with you to help you make changes. When we respond to situations/people in a particular way this is because we feel this keeps us safe. Therefore without support when we try to change behaviours it feels uncomfortable and strange therefore it is natural to spring back to our previous patterns to make us feel safe (even if we know the behaviours are counterproductive).

Attachment challenges are complex and manifests differently in people, diagnosis can be difficult, and it is important to be diagnosed with the type of attachment disorder (couldn't think of a different word -sorry I personally dislike it).

Have you spoken to your husband? It may be worth accessing post adoption support if available through your local authority. I know the LA we are going through provide specific support to adults, but suspect this varies in quality.

Feel free to disregard what I have suggested just some thoughts. Be kind to yourself, others will give more advice based on their wonderful knowledge.

[MajesticWhine]

Yes, I know a bit about it. In fact I have posted about it a bit before. I'm a therapist, but also have had attachment issues myself, so I am fascinated by the question of how to change.
This article explains how attachment style can affect your relationship, and this website also has a number of interesting articles, but you have already made an important first step, because you have reached an understanding about what is going on in your marriage and why.
On the bright side, it is really quite a common problem. A lot of relationship problems concern the struggle of getting enough independence and autonomy vs. getting enough closeness and attachment. Often avoidant types are attracted to preoccupied types and vice versa, so we end up in difficult relationship situations where no one is really getting what they want.
Have you had any therapy? Or considered it?

[rumbleinthejungle]

Thanks for your responses. I've always known that my marriage wasn't 'right' as I won't confide in DH, actively dislike displays of affection and push him away. I started reading about attachment disorder to support children where I work. Talk about a lightbulb moment - it was if it was written about me.

I think I've avoided counselling as I've always been a bit cynical about people who blame all their woes on something that happened in their childhood but now I realise what a profound effect my first couple of years, (that I have no memory of), could be having on my relationship.

The thought of counselling freaks me out! Imagine going from never ever sharing thoughts or feelings to opening up to someone. My heart is racing just thinking about it

[rumbleinthejungle]

Thanks for the links. They both confirm my 'self-diagnosis' I don't know if having a 'label' will make things easier or more difficult. I suppose at least I know I'm not the only one!

[MajesticWhine]

So you got married. So you must be reasonably capable of forming a relationship. That's a good sign. If you were really messed up you wouldn't have managed that much.
You probably learnt early on in childhood that carers could not be relied upon and to protect yourself from this you learnt to rely only on yourself. And denied or avoided the need for others. Attachment theory says that these early patterns are repeated in other relationships. I think long term therapy might help you. Other things you could do are to try to change your behaviour in your relationship in small ways. Identify ways in which you avoid closeness or dependence and change something really really small and manageable at first. You will feel really uncomfortable relying on someone else but you can slowly learn that it's ok. And get your other half on side so that he understands the problem.

[mytartanscarf]

Ooh this is interesting as I suspect the same for me (not adopted though)

Counselling didn't really help - I think it's just something I've learned to live with.