Hi adopters

[Chococlare]

Hi everyone, just popping by to say hello and ask for any words of wisdom or do's and don'ts with starting on our journey to adopting. I was diagnosed with infertility due to premature ovarian failure 2 years ago and to become pregnant via Ivf would have to use a donor egg. We are very close to top of the list for this but have decided to close the door on this option and proceed with adopting. I have always wanted to adopt but it was difficult to close the door on ivf as it meant accepting not only could I not use my own eggs but would never carry and give birth. But I do think those 9 months are probably a very small part of being a mum. Anyway I'm going on. Thanks for reading.

[CloserThanYesterday]

Hi Chococlare and welcome! I could have written this post two years ago. DH and I couldn't conceive naturally and decided against IVF in favour of adoption.
We had lots of sadness around me not carrying a baby, missing those first months of our childs life, not having any biological connection amongst other things. We worked through all this and applied to adopt in Jan 2013.
I am now upstairs doing a few jobs and listening to my husband and daughter playing downstairs and it is the most wonderful feeling.
She has been home a month now and has just turned 2. She's incredible and we thank our stars every day that we couldn't conceive, or we'd never have known her. That's not something I ever thought I'd say, but I mean it from my heart.
Anyway, just thought I'd share our story with you as I remember starting out and really needing to hear positive stories.
Good luck with the process - this is a great forum with loads of lovely people and experienced adopters to give advice

[Chococlare]

Thanks closerthanyesterday. Your story brought a tear to my eye as it sums us up. Very emotional today but really feel like a weight has been lifted finally realising that adoption is our route just took a while to get there. It must be heart warming hearing your daughter. Thanks for replying and congratulations

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

Welcome. Deciding to adopt our DD is the best decision I've ever made.

It's not for everyone though. In terms of dos and don'ts.

Do try to let go of the birth child you haven't had. This child will be a person in their own right.

Do trust your gut on matching criteria.

Do accept that most people just wont get the complexities of parenting an adopted child.

Don't ever forget that SW are there to test and judge you. It really is one long interview.

Best of luck!

[latergater1409]

Hi
We are near end of stage 1........ Its already been frustrating but you have to keep your eye on the end result. I have adult birth children but my hubbyonly has a child he doesn't see and we want to be a family.
Good luck!!!!!

[Chococlare]

Thanks ladies. I'm definitely more positive about adoption than ivf and soo nervous about the social work side of things but totally get why they go so indepth.

[Velvet1973]

Hi chocco, we did go down the Ivf and spent a year trying 3 failed cycles after 6 years of ttc. We'd always said we would only have 3 cycles and then close the door on it. That was November 2013, we had a wonderful family christmas with my nephews and entire family and started our journey to adoption in the new year. We went to an open evening in feb last year, applied in March, approved sept and had the most beautiful, amazing baby boy placed with us in December. He's 8 months old now and the sheer joy he brings is amazing. I think closer summed it up perfectly, if we hadn't had the fertility issues he would not be with us now and I can't imagine loving any child more.
Even at the beginning of starting our adoption journey it just felt like we were stepping out of this dark tunnel and going towards a lovely bright future. The further down the road we got the more I saw how Ivf and infertility had changed me especially, for the worse and thankfully our beautiful baby boy is enabling me to become the person I was again!

[Chococlare]

Aw congratulations on your baby boy. I can only imagine how much of a dark place you must have been in after 3 rounds of ivf!! The process is quicker than I thought it would be. We were getting prepared for Ivf but have done a 180 to focusing on adopting. Like yourself I'm looking forward to becoming myself again as this past few years has been hellish, god knows how hubby has put up with me!!

[Velvet1973]

Good choice Chocco! We have been incredibly lucky to have been matched so quickly but I'm a great believer in fate. Because of fate we did do 3 rounds of Ivf and then started the adoption process when we did, and because we did start when we did it meant the timing was perfect for us and our baby boy.
Good luck!

[Chococlare]

Maybe nows time!!! Is it way too early to get excited. Just happy ivf hell is over, at least social workers will never ask to do an internal!!

[CatOutOfHell]

Hi Choco! I'm just a lurker around here but my partner and I have just met with a social worker to begin the adoption process. It seems like a long road stretching out ahead but I'm excited to walk it nonetheless. We tried IVF but it wasn't for us. Infertility was such a dark place and I'm pleased to be coming out of the other side!

[Chococlare]

Hi, how did your meeting go?? It really is a dark dark place but hey we're all surviving infertility!

[iwishkidslikedtomatoes]

Hi, good luck with the next few months :) We chose adoption over IVF and have no regrets!

I cried whenever I found out someone was pregnant prior to our decision and even during the adoption assessment process but then after our gorgeous siblings came home one of my friends, who was sterilised 10 years prior, got pregnant, I remember receiving a text from another friend asking if I was OK........There wasn't any feeling other than happiness for her! All I wanted was to be a Mum and now I was, nothing else mattered, it wasn't about the pregnancy at all and I believe this was all meant to be because my life without my children.....well, I just can't imagine it. In fact, if by some miracle I got pregnant now it wouldnt be a happy occasion because our family is complete and I wouldnt want to change it, in fact I'd be bloody livid! Obviously it's no smooth road but our happy moments outweigh the struggles. I hope you find the same happiness at the end of your journey.

[Chococlare]

Thanks. Yeah I often get asked that as well. I'm always over the moon for friends, it's strangers that I find myself getting annoyed about and judgemental like it's so unfair they smoke heavily and drink while pregnant really gets on my goat! I find christenings and kids birthday parties really difficult to the point I want to avoid them like the plague then I am guilt ridden for not forcing myself to be an active part in the kids milestones.

[CatOutOfHell]

The meeting was fine - the sw asked about lots of things: family, immediate support network, finances, jobs, who would be primary caregiver, etc. she also had a good look about the house. It all seemed to go well and she seemed positive about us, which was nice.

Lurking on here for the past few months has definitely helped me get my head around things and she said that came across clearly.

Have you got as far as booking a meeting yet? We went to an information session first and then applied from there. It took ages 3 weeks for them to contact us about seeing an sw though. Best get used to the waiting I feel!

[Chococlare]

Sounds like it went well then! We're waiting on them to contact us, had an email saying someone from the team will be in touch soon.
Yeah I've had a wee nosey through some threads to get an idea of frustrations and joys and you're right it is helpful.
Good luck with the next stage.

[CatOutOfHell]

Thanks! I hope they don't keep you waiting too long!

[Chocogoingcuckoo]

Waaah had my first call, to wait for a second call to arrange an appointment for someone to come to the house!

[CatOutOfHell]

exciting! That sparked a major spring clean for me yet I still found a huge spiderweb in the spare room as I showed the sw round!

[Chocogoingcuckoo]

Haha, yes my hubby is talking about walls that need painted!!

[auntybookworm]

Hello,

We are about to go to pannel at the end of stage 2. We started our journey last July, having decided no more IVF. I have not regretted it at all.

Time flies throughout the process, and I can honestly say that whilst it has been challenging at times we have enjoyed it up to now.

Welcome aboard you will get lots of support and advice on here

[Chev123]

Hi my routes a little different as I'm a single adopter but I had a fear I'd never be a mum and I always wanted or be one. I'm now in a link with a baby boy and although ups and downs (think about comparing adoption to the gestation of an elephant rather than a human!), it is feeling as if this is what's life's all about, as if everything else was gearing up to this. In an odd way I've enjoyed the journey, nothing worth doing is easy but now I know I'm gonna be a mum even all the frustrating delays can't take the smile off my face! Good luck xxx

[Chocogoingcuckoo]

Hi Chev123 and auntybookworm I can only imagine how much delight you both must be feeling right now. Good luck to both you mummy's! Hopefully all you ladies will be about through the highs and lows of this process. I'm guessing adopting is like infertility and ivf in that others generally don't get it unless they've been through it and always on hand to give "helpful advice".

[Chev123]

Hi I imagine it is similar re advice offered! As much as friends are great I have gone to friends who have adopted when frustrations in the system have popped up. You need some people who know how the process works and who understand the needs of adopted children. Whether it's in your circle of friends or on forums like this! People who understand that you will scrub your house top to bottom every time your social worker comes even if she says don't, who understand that you practice panel questions in the shower, that you will have to consider some of the most saddest and emotional and moral decisions and that you may end up loving a child who is a paragraph on a piece of paper and the time until you meet them moves at a glacial rate! But you'll still need other friends to distract you from the whole process when you're over thinking it all! It will be totally worth while though x