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How do I deal with this one

(9 Posts)
Whatutalkinboutwillis Mon 02-Feb-15 21:51:27

Ds has been home 13 months. He is a little dream and has settled so easily. The ao was granted last week and we are just one happy family.

However, tonight I went to check on him after he should have been fast asleep and heard him kind of reciting "mummy is not my mummy, daddy is not my daddy, @@@ is not my brother. He was just saying it over and over. He is 4 years old and I has just slipped into our family so easily that it felt so strange to hear him say that. He did go to bed grumpy and he didn't want to go to bed.

I coughed in the hall so he would hear me then went in and cuddled him in and told him I loved him. I didn't pass any comment on what I had heard but am wondering if I should talk to him about it. Any ideas? Thanks

Italiangreyhound Mon 02-Feb-15 22:18:14

Yes, I would definitely talk about it. If he at school or preschool? It sounds like someone has said this to him. If he has been anywhere with other kids without you around this may be the reason.

It is very hurtful but better for him to say it and for you to talk about it.

Please let him talk first and say it all before you rush to reassure him. It is OK for him to have these thoughts and ideas and to express them. But the kind of 'chanting' way sounds like he was almost trying to either convince himself of something he does not believe or that someone had said it to him.

My ds (4) has been home 9 months and has started saying he is dreaming of going back to foster carer. I don't know if he is dreaming of it or not, maybe he is but I don't think he would want to really.

I hope someone wiser comes to guide you.

Sorry this is happening but glad you heard, best to talk it through.

fasparent Tue 03-Feb-15 09:49:33

Separations and loss'; and attachments is quite common, will have memory's and flashback triggers, this will take time , needs lots of reassurances and understanding, self esteem building, inclusions and love
will get better with time.

slkk Tue 03-Feb-15 09:55:04

Did he have contact with bc before adoption? Could they have trained him in this? Depending on family circumstances I would be concerned. I agree you should talk to him again about the different mummies etc that he has had and reassure him that they are all real, just different. I would also want to talk to his sw.
Congrats on ao

pillowaddict Tue 03-Feb-15 10:49:41

Have you started life story work with him yet? It's a nice way to start talking about the different family members and roles they play/have played in our lives, and a very concrete way for a little one to have reassurance about forever mummy and daddy. Mayne don't say that you overheard initially but ask him about his understanding of the situation and then you can reassure if he says it. Does he have any direct contact? Good luck, and congrats on the AO.

odyssey2001 Tue 03-Feb-15 11:12:50

This sounds to me like a way for him to verbalise what his unconscious is processing. In the first instance I would just mention that you overheard him saying that you weren't his real mummy etc and that if he ever wanted to talk about it that all be had to do was ask. We had a similar thing a few months ago, said that to our son of a year (he is 4 too) and left it at that. A few weeks later the cathartic flood gates opened and all of that pent up loss and confusion gushed out. I bet he is testing the water to see how you will react so go softly, letting him know that it is okay to feel like this and talk about it whenever he wants. Good luck.

odyssey2001 Tue 03-Feb-15 11:13:41

BTW, what we did was based on the advice if a clinical psychiatrist who specialises in neglected LACs.

Whatutalkinboutwillis Tue 03-Feb-15 18:51:53

Thanks everyone, I will have a chat with him at the weekend about it all. It just came out the blue. He was having weekly contact with bm but it ended when he was matched with us. Only letterbox now.

Thanks for all the advice

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 03-Feb-15 20:54:17

Occasionally DD will say. "I don't want to be in this family any more ", usually when she is cross. This normally gets followed v quickly with her saying she loves us and she never wants to leave but I do wonder sometimes if we do need to do more re any underlying worries she has

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