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Is it unrealistic to adopt as I have a toddler (bc)?

(8 Posts)
Uphigh Sun 11-Jan-15 09:54:04

Me and dh are seriously considering adoption. Someone from LA should call us next week. Ds will be two in March. There needs to be a two year gap between children. Our LA does have babies which come up for adoption. We have no family to help out.
Lacking family help, It would have been difficult to manage with a bc but I am now wondering if it would be too difficult to give an adopted child the extra time and attention they would need. I have remembered a friend with a toddler and a baby saying the baby just gets ignored! But obviously it would not be right to ignore an adopted child given the attachment issues they are likely to have. I would be able to take 13 months off work, ds would be in nursery three days a week, giving me three days to solely concentrate on AC.
Ds is currently a very affectionate child who likes a lot of attention and cuddles and gets upset if I interact 'too much' with other children especially if I touch them!
Any thoughts on this?

Italiangreyhound Sun 11-Jan-15 12:43:42

Uphigh I would be surprised if a baby really got totally ignored, very worrying if the baby was adopted or birth child.

If you want to explore this a bit more can you say why you want to adopt, as opposed to having another child by birth?

There are lots and lots of threads on here for people wanting to adopt with birth children. If you start by looking at these you will get some ideas and can come back with a few more questions, maybe?

Certainly lots of people adopt with birth children. Realistically a baby you adopt would be unlikely to be a new born s they would be maybe 6 months to a year old. So you birth child would need to be two and a half or three. In many ways they would be getting to the 'preschooler' stage. Still very young but able to amuse themselves alone, play, maybe share, wait when necessary etc.

I know someone who had a birth child of 17 months when her second birth child was born. That is mega close. I think a two to three year gap would be more doable. I have almost a 6 year between my birth dd (10) and adopted ds (4). A big gap is better. But adopting a young child when your birth child is younger may be a slightly smoother transition than I had as my dd was very jelous having been the only one for 9 years.

Also, it is about energy, your energy! If you can cope with two under 5 or two under 4 or two under 3 that is something you may know. Can you get a friend round with a young baby and spend an afternoon together and see how it goes? Actually, that will tell you very little! adoption is about uncertainties but I am sure you could make it work if you wish to.

Good luck, ask some specific questions and someone wiser than me may come along. smile

KristinaM Sun 11-Jan-15 17:02:22

Are you really going to pay for your toddler to go to nursery 3 days a week all during your maternity leave ? And what if toddler wants to stay at home with you and baby ?

What will happen to toddler when he is not at nursery 4 days a week and he objects to you holding baby ?

hbr1989 Sun 11-Jan-15 17:08:39

It could take quite a whole for you to be approved as adopters and then a long time for you to be matched with a baby. There are far more adopters wanting babies than there are babies available. I know some areas have stopped recruiting baby adopters.

Uphigh Sun 11-Jan-15 17:49:02

Thanks Italien, we are looking at adoption due to our age really, I will be 42 soon and dh 46.
Kristina, ds's nursery is brilliant and we wouldn't want him to lose the place. There isn't another nursery like it where we live and the waiting list is enormous. If he wants to stay at home we will think about that at the time.

Uphigh Sun 11-Jan-15 17:56:52

Hbr, yes I know there could be a long wait. When I phoned to make an initial inquiry and was told there needed to be a two year gap between ds and ac,I asked if it was really worth be applying as I assumed there would be no babies, but the woman on the phone said there was a good chance of a baby being available. We do have a high drug using population and she said the authority does tend to take children into care at a young age.

Engima Sun 11-Jan-15 21:33:20

We are approved to adopt and our bc is 3.5 - they were 2 when we applied. Our LA also likes a 2 yr age gap so we are looking at adopting up to 18 months. I think the thing you really need to consider is how you would feel about adopting a baby who has been exposed to drugs/alcohol and how that might impact on your family unit. Part of the adoption process focuses on the extra needs these children may have and you will have to decide what issues/conditions you could cope with. In my experience there are babies currently needing adoptive families but all of the children that we have been told about to date have significant issues- if you are imagining adopting a child more like your bc then you will have a v long wait! Apologies if you are already fully aware of these issues but I thought I should sound a note of caution just in case.
Good luck with your decision in any event!

Uphigh Mon 12-Jan-15 06:48:19

Thanks Enigma!

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