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Struggling with waiting for a match...

(10 Posts)
researchbookworm Tue 30-Dec-14 23:01:18

Hi everyone,

I realise this isn't exactly a new topic on this forum but I just needed to vent a bit... We were approved nearly 5 months ago and are yet to see a single profile and I'm beginning to feel a bit frustrated. Our SW is very upbeat and confident that there are options on the horizon but every child she mentions as a potential possibility seems to have mysteriously disappeared by the next time we see her. I think she is trying to tell us about any vague possibilities rather than come with nothing each time, but to be honest I'd rather be told there was nothing than get our hopes raised when it is unlikely to come to anything.

We also have the added complication of managing the situation with our BC. Our SW has recommended we get the nursery ready for the prospective AC as a way of helping our BC understand what is happening, but although this has generated some good conversations with BC they now want to know when the 'baby' will arrive. I had a friend visit with her own baby the other day and my BC proudly showed them the room evidently under the impression that this might be the much discussed future sibling!

I know that compared to a lot of you on here 5 months is not that significant a time to be matched, and I actually felt fine about it before Christmas, but now that we are about to start a new year I want to know when/if it is ever going to happen...

Also, on a side note, as we have been encouraged to get the nursery ready I wanted to ask if any of you have had to repaint a room because of your AC's background? We are not expecting them to be old enough to express a preference themselves as our BC is only 4 and our agency recommend that the AC will be at least 2 years younger, but the room is currently a rather bold shade and I'd like to tone it down. Don't want to go to the hassle of repainting it now only to have to do it again later for a reason specific to future AC.

Sorry for the long post and (nearly) a Happy New Year to you all :-)

Italiangreyhound Wed 31-Dec-14 00:17:46

Hi reasearch sorry it is so hard. I know you will not want to hear this but five months is not long at all. We were very lucky and did get our match in five months but our age range was very wide and many people we knew waited a lot longer.

You said I think she is trying to tell us about any vague possibilities rather than come with nothing each time, but to be honest I'd rather be told there was nothing than get our hopes raised when it is unlikely to come to anything.

Make sure your social worker knows this, IMHO, politely. She may be telling you vaguely about children not yet freed for adoption, in veiled terms. Our's did this with us and I did not like it either. Too emotionally draining.

We painted our spare room a neutral shade the year we started trying for number two, I think, which was about 8 years ago. Many years of fertility treatment later we chose the adoption route and now our ds is here. I would paint the room a neutral shade, unless you know for sure you will have a boy or girl. We painted the wardrobe blue once we knew we were 'expecting' a boy and we decorated the wardrobe with stickers from his favouirte TV programm and put up posters and got a duvet cover from the same Tv programm. Our birth dd, then nine, helped do the painting. She also helped to make a dvd to introduce us a family. But this was only done once our new ds had been identified for us and the link agreed.

Try and involve your dd once you know what will happen but before then I would play it down. She is too young to be able to handle the uncertainty IMHO. She knows it will happen but not when. Once new year comes you can say you will expect it will be this year and lots of things will happen first, e.g. someone's birthday or whatever. Even saying to her now that it will happen next year might be confusing as once New Year comes she will maybe expect it soon.

Because of your dd's age your age range is quite small, understandably so. Have your social workers considered putting you on the adoption register for England and Wales? Have you asked about your going on an exchange day or other event?

www.adoptionregister.org.uk/adopters/exchange-days

Dates for Exchange Days

If you are an approved adopter who is interested in attending one of the following events then please get in touch with us.

Wednesday 21st January 2015 - London
Tuesday 24th February - Walsall
Thursday 19th March - Bolton
Wednesday 13th May - London

Best of luck.

Kazza299 Wed 31-Dec-14 08:42:57

I really feel for you. When you start the adoption process you get all these timescales but the minute you are approved you realise that there are no longer any timescales and it hit me like a ton of bricks. We wanted older children and were told throughout the process that they were desperate for people like us so when we were told about the 'shortage' we were pretty upset.
For me I had to be proactive. We were approved by the LA and had to wait 3 months to go on the national register. I persuaded then that another month wouldn't make a difference and they allowed us to join adoption link after 2.5 months. Adoption link is fantastic! The Guys who created it have adopted themselves and really understand what adopters who are waiting need. For us, and we did want older children, we had 3 profiles the day we actually became registers and probably 8-10 more over the next few months. This was September and we were matched in November. Meet our boys next week eek!
Obviously the wait is longer for younger children as adoption link has twice as many adopters as children but my advice is to be proactive. Go the exchange and activity days and get registered at adoption uk and be my parent. My experience of SWs was, as is, very poor so doing it myself saved my sanity! Good luck x x x x

Kewcumber Wed 31-Dec-14 11:28:24

I know that compared to a lot of you on here 5 months is not that significant a time to be matched that might be true in some cases but isn't really helpful to know that is it?! I have said before that I think I went a little insane at this point. You have virtually nothing to do and have virtually no control whilst your life just drifts at the whim of others.

It's just grim at times.

But no I've never heard of a young child needing a room to be repainted particularly if you have chosen a fairly muted tone. Can;t say it would never happen but I'd be getting the paintbrush out if I were you just to give me something practical to do.

64x32x24 Wed 31-Dec-14 16:54:20

Hi, it's tough isn't it? Particularly with a 4yo thrown in. We had been talking about a new baby in general terms to our BC (then not quite 4 yet) for a while, but always in the sense of 'sometime - probably not for a long time yet'. We decidedly did NOT get the nursery ready or anything. Until we were told about DD and that she would be coming home within the next few days.

Except she didn't.
It took nearly another three months (which is basically an eternity from a child's perspective). And in that time there were a couple more occasions of us thinking that it was going to be happening imminently, and then it didn't.

So when we finally did meet and then bring DD home, our BC didn't quite believe us!

So I agree that this is a 'complication' - and it is very hard to prepare a young child for the arrival of a new sibling, whilst at the same time protecting them from having to deal with the uncertainties. You know how hard YOU are finding the waiting for an uncertain duration; you probably want to spare your child that...

On the other hand I think that nothing ever really prepares a child for the reality of a new sibling. So I guess I'd advise to tone the 'preparation' right down, until you are fairly certain that a new baby is arriving within a matter of a couple of weeks or so.

Decorating the nursery could work well for that plan. As you will presumably have to remove stuff from the room, or cover things up with dust sheets. Then when you are done, just don't put everything back/don't uncover everything. Leave the room 'unfinished'. Then have that conversation with your BC that it is still 'a long time' until a baby may arrive. As PP said, point to references such as someone's summer birthday or similar, to drive home 'long'.

Then, when things are finally truly happening, you and BC can 'get the room ready' together; and it will be much more meaningful than just having a nursery ready for months on end.

The other thing I'd say, chances are you were unlucky, timing wise. Only half as many children have had placement orders in the last 6 months, as in the same time the year before. So it is not surprising that prospective adopters who were approved in that timeframe have had a wait. I know 5 months is not a long time in the big picture; but at the same time, in recent years, many people have had shorter waits. Our LA said that they matched 50% of their adopters within 3 months of approval, nearly all of the rest within the next 3 months. Not any more!
But the good news is that there has recently been clarification on that judgement which caused the number of placement orders to plummet. So chances are that more placement orders will be issued again now; plus there may be a bit of a backlog from the last 3/4 year. So I'd say there is good reason to be hopeful that you won't have to wait too much longer.

We received a LA's adoption newsletter and it seems that in that LA, they run a support group for waiting adopters - maybe your agency has something similar, to help you through this waiting game?

Good luck smile

JammyJimmy Wed 31-Dec-14 18:58:43

I found waiting for a match unbearable. I think it's because everything else is leading up to that point and every hurdle you go through your 'goal' is to get to panel. Matching is so open ended and you're completely in the dark while someone else (your SW ) is making the behest decision in the world on your behalf.

My only advice is - it will happen and when it does it makes all the waiting etc seem worthwhile smile

MoJangled Thu 01-Jan-15 23:47:54

In your boat. Although we were only approved in November. But all the stories of long waits, 50+ parents expressing an interest in the same children Adoption Link etc, have demotivated me massively. We have a 4yo DS who keeps asking when his baby will get here, so I must re-motivate myself and get optimist enough to look for profiles. But you're absolutely not alone. Very best of luck finding your match!

researchbookworm Fri 02-Jan-15 13:15:09

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the slow response- new year festivities got in the way! Thanks so much for all your replies. I know we are not the only ones in this boat and I do feel massively for anyone waiting for their first child as it must be really hard to be kept in limbo when all you want to do is start being a parent. We are lucky that most of the time our DC keeps us so busy that I don't have time to obsess about matching too much!

I think we are going to go for it and redecorate the room for our prospective AC now. I'd much prefer to do it in a leisurely way and, as 64x32 noted, we can pop dust sheets everywhere and choose our moment to take them down again!

Thanks for the suggestion about going on the registers. We are on a regional consortium register but opted to stay off the national one for now- partly because our age range is quite limited and we thought most children that age would be matched in their area anyway, but also because our agency have been so positive that there are matches coming up in our area and we would like to make a more local link if possible. I hadn't heard of adoption link though so will maybe check them out. Congrats on being matched Kazza!

Thanks again, and good luck to everyone else out there awaiting a match :-)

Maiyakat Fri 02-Jan-15 21:37:18

Our regional consortium was utterly hopeless! I was linked with DD by my SS and I writing a 'profile' about me and sending it out to local LAs - is this something you could do? I was surprised how many under 2s there were in Be My Parent and Children Who Wait - this may have changed now though (as 64 said things seem to have slowed down in general). It is so frustrating when it's all out of your control and you feel you can't plan anything just in case - you have my sympathy!

fasparent Sat 03-Jan-15 00:34:29

Sadly with the Government pushing time scales (26 weeks). Has invoked legal issues and support issues within the adoption and care system. Adoption rates in some LA areas are down by as much as 47%. THEY SAY it's a myth which they are trying too address too all LA's .

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