Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Day 3 of intros and LO is having a nap upstairs in his new cot.
All is going well except that I feel that his FC feels disappointed that I have not fallen head over heels for him. It is clear that they all adore him. She asked me earlier how I felt it was going and I was honest and said that it feels right, I'm very fond of him and I'm sure love will grow.
She has been wonderfully supportive so far but I feel that she is a bit disappointed in me. Maybe honesty wasn't the best policy ..
I feel that she is a bit disappointed in me - if its important to you or will make things a little less stressful then just pretend with her. Personally I wouldn't think anything of not falling in love with children you've seen for several hours for three days otherwise you's be trying to kidnap a lot of children of friends or casual acquaintances!
She's forgotten that she didn't feel this way about him after three days herself.
How's it going otherwise?
Go with your own feelings, it is only 3 days. To be totally and brutally honest it took 2 years to get the "kick in the gut" feeling with one of ours and then I was his devoted slave. Be kind to yourself hope everything else is good.
I'm 6.5 months in and still don't feel overwhelming love for my children.
some days I don't even like them much
Like Kew says... If it makes your life easier, pretend.
Please don't feel pressure to feel a certain way, it takes time and everyone's journey is so different.
I remember the feeling ...... My sons foster carers loved him SO much and it was very obvious. It took months for love to come for me, but when it did, it couldn't be more real, strong and powerful.
When 'our' FC said to us that they and their kids 'approved' of us, I was shocked/surprised - it hadn't even crossed my mind that they would be judging us. (In my defence, I was emotionally exhausted from the run-up to intros). Rather than making me feel good, it made me aware of being judged, and I became even more tense than I was before!
I think if they had judged us negatively, my 'who cares what they think' instinct would have kicked in, and it would have been easier (e.g. to pretend).
Ok so there is the 'fake it until you make it' advice, which is valid for your relationship with the child, and which you might as well start now for FC's benefit too...
On the other hand you could also just consistently 'show' how happy and pleased you are, and at the same time strew in little confident 'as everybody knows' or 'as you as experienced FC know' statements referring to how important it is to have realistic expectations, and how different a relationship is when it is 'lived' in every day life, compared to just knowing someone on paper.
But most of all I'd say, who cares what FC thinks about how love should develop. If continuing positive relationship with FC is important for you, then by all means keep them happy - refer to their experience, their professionalism, express thanks, show them that you respect and value what they do - but don't fall into the trap of thinking that you must agree with everything they do/think. Sandwich things where you disagree between two statements of praise if you must, but you are allowed to disagree on some things, and can still have a positive continuing relationship.
But, first of all, focus on the child! If they see you putting the child absolutely first, that alone may make them warm to you.
Good luck with the rest of the intros!
Thank you all for your words of reassurance.
He has been a little angel today and when I dropped him off I had a good chat with his foster carer and I think we are on a better footing. Fingers crossed! I am so tired I had a lie down when LO had a nap!
I'm a FC and I have to admit that if and when mine go off to adoptive parents or to a long term foster placement I will want the best, most perfect parents for them! I imagine that after months of looking after children, learning all about their back story etc, all FCs want parents for 'their' children who will love them and cherish them.
However, we can't expect that to happen straightaway. I'm sure that most FCs don't feel absolute love for the children immediately so why would anyone else? These things take time. Good luck xx
Good luck Dimples you know it is not about foster carer, it's about little one but I agree with Kew, fake it until you make it, with the baby and with others if you need to, but to your own self be true. It will come.... hugs.
Join the discussion
Please login first.