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Are we too old to adopt?

(21 Posts)
boggis Mon 08-Dec-14 07:58:13

We are both 43 and have been married since university. We have two girls, 6 and 3. We have both worked part time so that one parent is always there. Have done the strong attachment thing (I only mention this as I believe it has relevance) We have always wanted a larger family (I had our first at 37 after a battle/surgery with endometriosis) but also want to help another child/children and so are in the process of thinking about adoption and or fostering. Adoption appeals to me simply because of the lifetime relationship that is established and my thinking on how it might fit with our family. I realise I may sound naive and gauche when I say this. Foster parenting can also have these elements.

I guess what I am saying is that I am starting this journey now, but before I go in head first I’d like to hear your views about whether this is a non-starter. Of course, there are many other ways to help children.

I may also lose my job this year and would be very happy to be a SAHP. My husband would go back full time

Jameme Mon 08-Dec-14 08:37:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dibly Mon 08-Dec-14 09:01:52

Not at all, DH and I are a similar age and our I year old ad is currentlyenjoyingthrowingbreakfast on the floor! Go for it.

64x32x24 Mon 08-Dec-14 10:11:11

Definitely not too old. In fact you might find yourself to be pretty much of an average age for adoption.

You need to be aware also of the implications of the ages of your birth children. We started the process when our BC was three - however, we talked to many different agencies/LAs, and about half of them said we would have to wait until our BC was 4, or even 5. We did find three agencies who were willing to take us on without waiting, however in the year since then, things have changed considerably again; with only half as many placement orders coming through (which means that a judge decides that a child should indeed be adopted, rather than e.g. go to long-term FC, or reunited with birth family) - so agencies now have more waiting prospective adopters than waiting children, and hence can afford to be very picky when deciding who to assess. So what I am saying is, you may encounter difficulties in finding an agency willing to assess you, due to your children's ages, rather than due to your own age!
But it never hurts to ask around. And if you do have to wait for a bit, it would give you a great opportunity to become more familiar with the adoption landscape, what kind of issues adopted children tend to come with, how families with BC and AC work, etc.

ck72 Mon 08-Dec-14 10:21:03

Definitely not! I just turned 42 last week and we have matching panel next week. It's a fact that a lot of couples turn to adoption after a period of infertility and sometimes fertility treatment which generally means that a large proportion of prospective adopters are in their 40's

Good luck smile

boggis Mon 08-Dec-14 11:14:09

thank you so much. as it happens we are moving house and I'd want to let the dust (literally, as we are extending as well) to settle before doing anything, but I wanted to have a year long proper hard think and research. But didn't want to go through the disappointment that we'd be write-offs before we started. Thanks!

boggis Mon 08-Dec-14 11:16:11

by the way I realise what I knob I sound regarding the 'attachment' thing. I mentioned it as I was (vaguely) aware of the issues around attachment theory etc and how it relates to adoption.

Thanks again

Devora Mon 08-Dec-14 20:10:20

Hi boggis, I was 46 and dp 48 when we adopted a 10 month old baby. Like you, we had a young birth child and I think that helps convince social workers that you are physically capable of running around after another one (though I'm knackered now!).

Best of luck with your journey; hope we can help you along the way.

2old2beamum Mon 08-Dec-14 20:58:16

Hi boggis no you are not too old. I was 65 and DH was 62 when our youngest was 3years 9months was placed with us. We were not actively looking to adopt but could not say no. However our youngest DS was placed with us aged 5 when I was 60 who we did apply for!!
Door is now locked and letterbox sealed.

It is good you are taking it carefully I wish you all the best of luck

Italiangreyhound Mon 08-Dec-14 22:28:20

I'm 49 and ds was placed with us this year after an adoption process of just under 2 years, 1 year to be approved and 8 months to be matched, so I was 47 when I started, (having thought about it for a long time). You are s spring chicken compared to me! Go for it, if you want to.

fasparent Mon 08-Dec-14 22:55:29

We have been Foster parents for 39 years, are still young, Most of our social workers were not even a sparkle in their Mums and Dads eyes when we started. Go for it.

2old2beamum Tue 09-Dec-14 21:51:39

fasparent am pleased we are not the only oldies here even if it is just to prove age is just a number!! There you are boggis

handcream Tue 09-Dec-14 22:06:26

I am actually really surprised at 65 tbh My SIL has been told they are too old at late 40's

Could I ask - were the children part of your extended family?

Jameme Tue 09-Dec-14 22:15:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

excitedmamma Wed 10-Dec-14 00:00:12

I was 44 and hubby 57!! Our LO was 2 years old....

Themoleandcrew Wed 10-Dec-14 00:18:54

We were considered young adopters, being in our mid thirties. It was the first time in about 10 years i'd been called young. I was thrilled

irishe Wed 10-Dec-14 00:27:30

I was 43 and DP 46 when our 1 year old was placed with us. Felt young then, not so much 2 years later!

disneygirl10 Wed 10-Dec-14 10:14:17

I was told I was too young at 29! We adopted when I was 33 and dh was 39 we were the youngest couple at the prep course. Go for it smile

ExpectantGran Wed 10-Dec-14 10:24:39

If you are planning to adopt or even to foster then realise that there is a long process first of being interviewed/inspected and even then, you may not always be successful.

I talk from experience, when in our forties, we tried fostering our niece - sadly Social Service took the view that our relationship with her parents was too unsettling so she was adopted away from the family - not our original intention.

2old2beamum Wed 10-Dec-14 10:24:47

handcream no they are not related to us or each other. However all our adopted children have special needs and the youngest 2 also have complex medical needs. Must admit we were totally gobsmacked when we were contacted by SS as we were not looking to adopt again but I think they were desperate. She like all the rest is a star.

Agree with Jameme would try a different agency

Doubletrouble99 Sat 13-Dec-14 23:41:23

I was 49 and DH 54 when our two came to us at 3.5 and 20mths. It's nice to hear about quite a few late 40s/50s adopters on here I'm usually the oldest mum on other boards!

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