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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

Shameless research for blog...

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blossom101001 · 19/11/2014 13:37

Ohhh - that when you do have to tell someone little one is adopted...They then think it is okay to tell you how to parent...After all it is everyone's child isn't it...Definitely the case when you are parenting differently...

Oh and when you do have a child- sometimes you get it wrong and that is ok!

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Kewcumber · 19/11/2014 13:41

I don;t think anyone ever ventured an opinion on how I should parent... I have come to the conclusion I am too scary!

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Kewcumber · 19/11/2014 13:41

I'm not btw - I'm lovely and fluffy.

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blossom101001 · 19/11/2014 13:52

Must be just me...I thought I was scary looking...

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Kewcumber · 19/11/2014 14:00

I'm sure it's not just you! But maybe you should practice frowning more, like this => Angry

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Jamfilter · 19/11/2014 14:05

That you will have to learn how not to punch people in the face when:

  • they tell you how lucky your LO is
  • they tell you your LO just needs clear boundaries
  • they tell you controlled crying will sort out your grieving sobbing child at night


I do ever such a good line in sweet smiles over clenched teeth, whil muttering "How interesting that you think so"
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Jamfilter · 19/11/2014 14:05
  • while
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trafficjam · 19/11/2014 15:42

I would tell prospective adopters that no matter how much time and information you share with family and friends about trauma, loss and possible behaviours your child might exhibit - it will be ignored as soon as they meet the LO.
The phrase that makes me want to scream currently is: "all children do that". Yes, they might well do that but I'm not somehow attention seeking or trying to make out we are very important by cross checking those behaviours through the added filter of adoption awareness- I'm just adjusting my approach in light of my baby's experiences.
I've been astonished at how many intelligent family members seem to jump immediately to tell me that any problems my little man experiences is normal. And nothing to do with the fact that he lost everything and everyone he knew over the space of a week less than half a year ago. Because apparently moving a baby is as simple as moving a houseplant - what with the fact that they "don't remember", or now are in "a loving family". And also, because 6 months has passed, clearly he should be "over it by now"
Then those same people will tell you with a completely straight face and zero sense of irony how upset their LO is now they are transitioning to a new nursery/bed/routine...Kew, can you run training groups in giving people a scary, don't mess with me look please as I am clearly not doing it right.

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Kewcumber · 19/11/2014 16:55

Then those same people will tell you with a completely straight face and zero sense of irony how upset their LO is now they are transitioning to a new nursery/bed/routine...

D'you know this had never actually occurred to me! But dd actually make me snigger.

all children do that and but they don't remember makes me want to commit murder.

You do eventually end up only discussing it with adopters which I find by far and away better for my blood pressure.

My DS's situation was a bit different from the norm being institutionalised but to be honest I think the idea still holds...

I say "What had your 1 year learnt by then?" You can prompt - if they don't come up with walking, crawling, talking a bit, babbling, recognising faces, rolling over etc

Then I say "My ds learnt.... that everybody leaves. Eventually everybody leaves"

I do a good line in passive aggressive me.

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Kewcumber · 19/11/2014 16:56

And yes I do think anyone you discuss their issues with thinks you are attention seeking.

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Jameme · 19/11/2014 18:51

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Kewcumber · 19/11/2014 19:43

Jameme - last year was a dreadful one in school for DS, I remember well him running out of school to me saying excitedly "I didn't hit anyone at school today mum!" Well yes in my world any day when you don't hit anyone is indeed a good day.

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MerryInthechelseahotel · 19/11/2014 20:48

All the assessments and forms and checks and panels are only a means to an end. They can be all encompassing and dominate your life but it all begins when a child is placed.


"My ds learnt.... that everybody leaves. Eventually everybody leaves"
My ds can't bear goodbyes. He finds them so hard Sad

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Jameme · 19/11/2014 22:27

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Itscurtainsforyou · 19/11/2014 23:36

Crap.

I've said "all children do that" before, although I think I was saying that meltdowns etc aren't necessarily an attachment/adoption-related thing and that they shouldn't worry too much about it. It's probably come out wrong/been misconstrued though...

Sorry to anyone I've said that to.

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Devora · 19/11/2014 23:58

That's decent of you to say that, curtains Smile

Of course, adoptive parents aren't always clear about what is normal behaviour, what is our own poor parenting, what is attachment disorder, what is trauma, what is lasting damage from drugs or alcohol in utero... But I guess what is galling is any kind of implication that they are doing us a favour in letting us in on this knowledge because, not being 'real' parents ourselves, we can't work it out for ourselves...

I find myself getting quite snappy, cutting them off by pointing out that I have a birth child and an adopted child and I do know what I'm talking about. Which is not to say everything is different - but a lot is.

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Jameme · 20/11/2014 00:16

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LastingLight · 20/11/2014 07:23

I would tell them that the grandparents may be a bit Hmm about adoption but once the LO is there in the flesh they will love him/her to bits.

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Kewcumber · 20/11/2014 11:01

No-one has said "all children do that" to me in a while though partly because I've stopped talking about it to non-adopters it. But I'd have a pretty easy response now as I'd just say "I'll let his teacher know. She can cancel the Educational Psychologist and play therapist she's recommended then"

But yes I agree, its the implication that we somehow aren't able to distinguish between "normal" behaviour and something that comes from a darker place. (To be fair sometimes you can't but on the whole I reckon I can).

When I explained to DS's teacher about his (to be fair very occasional) meltdowns when he was about 6 and tried to give her some advice about how to avoid them and how to handle them, she gave me that look with a sweet smile. You know that "all children do that and I'm a teacher I can handle it" look.

When he had the only meltdown he had all year, she had to call me to deal with it! She said she'd realised what I meant when I said that it wasn't a temper tantrum and that it came from a very different place. He looks like a terrified horse.

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Jameme · 20/11/2014 12:30

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Kewcumber · 20/11/2014 12:49

Click on the link in my first post will take you to my current not very anonymous blog. I also did a blog about travelling to adopt DS which is at //www.simplesite.com/journeytokaz but make a coffee if you plan to read it (or skim read it!) because I ended up away for 3 months!

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Buster510 · 20/11/2014 12:52

I haven't read all of these posts, I will pop back, but Trafficjam, completely agree, basically everyone I talk to says 'oh all kids do that etc' argh

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Jameme · 20/11/2014 13:33

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Italiangreyhound · 20/11/2014 16:56

I don't think I've said all children do that ever but I've definitely compared my birth dd to adopted children when difficult behaviour is being discussed! Sorry one and all!

The more I learn about behaviour and the more I see that my son, who joined our family by adoption, does not display certain behaviours and sometimes my birth dd does, the more I understand that behaviour is language and often it is working out what they are saying and actually similar behaviour in kids can be saying different things!

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Italiangreyhound · 20/11/2014 16:57

Kew recently I posted about not ‘joining the dots’ for people who ask questions or make statements where one answer could be ‘My son is adopted’. That is, not saying it at all. And not feeling the need to e.g. ‘Your son doesn’t look much like you.’

This is what I would advise new adopters....

You don't need to tell people why your new daughter or son doesn't look a lot like you or your husband/wife/partner. You don't need to explain why they were not at last year's toddler's party or why they joined the school year half way through. If people ask questions and have lots of 'dots' in their head you do not need to join their dots!

Lots of people talk because they hate silence want to hear their own voice, want to make connections with you and their lives or simply do not know how not to talk. As an extrovert chatterer I am a bit like this too! But everyday people do not need to know all about you and your family. So if people ask things you do not want to answer you can just wait quietly while the person, who made the comment or asked the question, allows their brain to whirr and then they may find they do not need an answer!

I've learnt (as a huge extrovert who finds it hard to keep quiet!) that keeping quiet in some situations is the best thing. I can answer a direction or indirect question with a very non-committal sound, like 'mmmmm' or 'uummm', and give a bit of silence. Maybe this implies 'I am not keen to answer/willing to answer/not interested in answering' etc without actually giving a correct answer, and without lying and without saying 'don't be so rude as to ask!'

For me this works best because I don't like to be rude, even if the questioner is being (and actually sometimes people are not necessarily being rude, they are just speaking what is on their mind and actually a bit interested, as I am in other people's lives!).

This approach has evolved over the last few months after our son joined us and I realised that my usual 'tell all/be open' approach would not work since I am no longer just talking about myself.

As my son takes his place in our family as very much a given, and never seems to doubt it (for which I am very grateful) I do not want to bring his adoption into everyday conversations, and I do not want people who do not know - or do not need to know - to know!

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