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how to support sister without raising her hopes

(5 Posts)
ExpectTheVeryUnexpected Sun 16-Nov-14 21:12:54

My partners sister is 24 and infertile. She has always loved the idea of adoption but since her diagnosis she feels like it's the final push in that direction. She has been broody for a good few years, but only really since my Dd was born in august have her and her partner decided to go forward with their decision and start doing thorough research into agencies, protocols etc. Her and her Dp will make fab parents I know they will (he is 11yr older, they've been together 4year) and I want to support her choice but I'm scared that she is getting her hopes up when she will likely be rejected. Even if her age doesn't count against her they are a low income family in rented accommodation but they could afford for one parent to work part time after the year off - but her mother has bipolar disorder and other things and is highly medicated. She is a lovely woman but her dad is technically classed as her mum's carer - she spends lots of time with her parents and they would want to spend time alone with grandchild (I have no worries at all with them having my daughter but would a panel feel the same way?) her partners mother also is on anti depressants and is regularly signed off work sick. They also have a medium sized dog aged 3 who is well trained and gentle but very hyper..............I know a friend of a friend who adopted and her friends and relatives all had to be interviewed and asked about things like this before they would agree to giving the couple In question a child. How do I support her but help her keep a cool head as I would hate to give her false hope or encourage her in something that will hurt her. Thanks for any help.

silverlinings79 Sun 16-Nov-14 21:37:28

Everything you've said raises issues that need to be addressed but are not going to mean she can't adopt so I would just continue to support her idea and be there on the sidelines as she goes through the process and as these may crop up, a good supportive ear is what she'll need, the social workers can do the rest smile

The dog will be a concern but people adopt with dogs , I don't have a dog so you'll get better advice from someone else. Age will be unusual but again not a reason not to be accepted. The reason I replied is I have a similar parent situation. For me it was very much about proving that I have a support network other than my parents (this included other family and friends, my parents then were considered as support in a different way - parental advice, rather than emergency care etc.) The only thing that I had to say was that my parents would not be looking after the children without me present. You say that they will 'expect' to but they will be looking for her to put her future adopted children above the needs of everyone else, so what they expect she should be quite prepared to ignore.

Hopefully that helps a bit. There are loads on here who'll give you much more detailed advice but like I said, the parental stuff seemed relevant smile

silverlinings79 Sun 16-Nov-14 21:37:33

Everything you've said raises issues that need to be addressed but are not going to mean she can't adopt so I would just continue to support her idea and be there on the sidelines as she goes through the process and as these may crop up, a good supportive ear is what she'll need, the social workers can do the rest smile

The dog will be a concern but people adopt with dogs , I don't have a dog so you'll get better advice from someone else. Age will be unusual but again not a reason not to be accepted. The reason I replied is I have a similar parent situation. For me it was very much about proving that I have a support network other than my parents (this included other family and friends, my parents then were considered as support in a different way - parental advice, rather than emergency care etc.) The only thing that I had to say was that my parents would not be looking after the children without me present. You say that they will 'expect' to but they will be looking for her to put her future adopted children above the needs of everyone else, so what they expect she should be quite prepared to ignore.

Hopefully that helps a bit. There are loads on here who'll give you much more detailed advice but like I said, the parental stuff seemed relevant smile

ExpectTheVeryUnexpected Sun 16-Nov-14 21:51:31

Thanks alot that's very helpful to know. Nice to know there is more hope than I thought smile

disneygirl10 Tue 18-Nov-14 08:45:12

We have a dog and have adopted. My social worker wasn't a dog person but it wasn't a problem. As long as the dog is well trained and has been around children lots. Our social worker even came out on a dog walk with us!
Age wise, when me and dh first talked about adoption I was in my twenties. We only made initial enquiries but they were quite negative about my age. But with hindsight I think they could see I hadn't really come to terms with not having another birth child. Having some counciling really helped with this.

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