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Adopt yes or no?

(8 Posts)
littlechick30 Sun 16-Nov-14 08:38:10

Hi,
just looking a bit of advice on adoption. We have a 7 month old daughter conceived naturally. But my husband is wanting to adopt our next child. I personally would like to have another 1 naturally then when they are in primary school. Adopt siblings. I think this is best so they have each other to grow up with and don't feel left out.

Do many people adopt when there own child is quite young or is it recommended to wait until they are a bit older.

I think adoption would be fantastic but unlike my husband I know it will be difficult and may find the process difficult.

Sorry I know I'm rambling. But has anyone here adopted and also had there own child. How did they find it eg. School, childcare, work and how old where the kids?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Barbadosgirl Sun 16-Nov-14 09:19:52

Hiya

I am sure Italian will be on shortly- she has a bc and can give you some super advice. My only comments are that (A) I understand sws like a gap of at least two years between your bc and an ac. If you are looking for a healthy white child 0-2 with no issues (I realise I am making some assumptions here so apologies if this is wrong but on the age this is what you will be looking at if you want to adopt a child close in age to your bc) you will be in for a wait. (B) SWs like to see one hundred per cent commitment and if you desire another bc then they may be concerned (this is not a criticism, there is nothing wrong with you wanting that). (C) adopted children almost always come from a background of abuse, trauma or neglect and/or can have developmental uncertainties due to their start in life so your plan to wait until your bc are in school has some real merits as it means you will have time to dedicate to a child who perhaps will demand more of your attention than a bc.

Good luck with your decision and congrats on your baby, we adopted our son at 8 months and it is such a fun age! X

Lilka Sun 16-Nov-14 10:54:07

Hi and welcome

Generally your youngest BC will need to be about 4-5 before you can begin the adoption process, and then there has to be a 2 year age gap at a minimum between your youngest BC and new child. So if your BC was 5, you could be approved for an age range of 0-2 or 0-3 for instance. If you were planning on adopting siblings, you would almost certainly need a larger age gap, and your BC would need to be older than that when you started (I don't know each agency rule but definitely I personally would not advise adopting 2 or more children until your youngest BC is about 8+), simply because the demands of adoptive siblings can be very large and also having young BC on top of that would be very difficult.

One thing that is necessary to adopt is that you are comfortably 'done' with having birth children, have moved forwards and are completely committed to adoption. No adoption agency will accept a couple to adopt if one of them would prefer to have a birth child next, adoption has to absolutely be both of your firm decision which you both deeply want to do next. So if you want another birth child, then that's what you do first. Once you've had your 2 (or 3 or however many) birth children and they are old enough (in school at least), then you can revisit adoption and if you then feel 'done' with birth children but still really want to adopt, then that option is open to you.

Generally with work, there needs to be one parent at home for 6-12 months post adoption (on adoption leave). Childcare depends entirely on your children and what they can do remembering that they will have suffered loss and trauma and that can have a lesser or greater impact on them. My youngest was 23 months old when he moved in with me, and he just couldn't cope with nursery (or more than family and close friends babysitting at home really) so I had to be at home full time until he was in school, and I've been working part time since. However some children cope really well and enjoy nursery etc.

We do have several adoptive parents here who have both and I'm sure some of them will be along shortly

And (a rather late!) congratulations on your baby grin

KristinaM Sun 16-Nov-14 13:10:16

I agree with everything Lilka says

I think if you had two bio children of school age and were seeking to adopt a sibling group of two or more younger children, most agencies woudl want one of you home full time. Or both of you only working part time and a lot of family support

I know it's hard to imagine When you only have one small baby ( and I'm assuming you are on maternity leave so are not at work ) , but 4 children , 2 of whom are pre choolers with special needs , is quite a lot of work . Let alone a job on top of that .

Realistically, if you were seeking to adopt a sibling group of say, a 2 and 4 yo, you woudl be competing with lots of families who have no other children and would offer a full time SAH parent .

Can I ask WHY you and your DH want to adopt ?

silverlinings79 Sun 16-Nov-14 13:57:37

Don't have birth children but have adopted siblings recently (both pre-school age). Just commenting for the work side of things. I had to take 1 year off, partner 1 month off and me return part time (and be ready to give up work if needed) to be approved for siblings.

Was told last week that our LA now has more people going through the adoption process with birth children than without! Having said that, when going through matching there were lots of children where it stipulated no children to be at home already. But that hasn't stopped couples we know getting matched in a matter of months smile

Our LA has same rules on ages mentioned. Regardless of that, without time to dedicate solely to them I don't know how it would be possible to do it with BC pre-schoolers at home. Apart from the energy for it, it's all the additional parenting adopted children need and our LO's have relatively few problems. It wouldnt be fair on your birth children and you wouldn't be able to give enough to the adopted children smile I can see why LA's have the rules in place. Before I had fertility probs my dream was to have two birth children and then adopt siblings for the very reasons you mentioned so I get it, you just may need to have a bigger age gap (and until being given all the training I wouldn't have known that)

Congrats on your new baby smile And good luck with the future be it more birth children, adopted children or both smile

kmarie100 Sun 16-Nov-14 15:30:55

We had two BC before completing our family (and giving a LO a home) through adoption. Our youngest BC was 2 when we started the process and 3 when LO arrived. Our eldest is at school. LO is only 13 months younger than our youngest BC.
Speak to your LA about what you are thinking because in my case there were no set rules. Everyone's circumstances and the LO's needs are different.
I work part time and took 6 months off as adoption leave. The pre-schoolers are now at nursery together and love it. Despite a lot of fighting between them all they are very close.
Bonding can be difficult so I would say if you want another BC do it first or this may cause extra difficulties.
You are right adoption is difficult and this year has been tough going, however there are also lots of rewards too.

JaquelineHyde Sun 16-Nov-14 15:46:45

I would suggest going to an info event with the LA or agency that you are considering adopting through. They can give you advice on what they expect as there is no national standard.

One thing I would say you need to really consider is the differing opinion between you and you husband around when you want to adopt. This could ring loud alarm bells to any social worker making an assessment on your suitability.

littlechick30 Sun 16-Nov-14 18:44:41

Hey,
thank u for all ur advice it has been really helpful to me.

My husband had quite a rough childhood his dad was an alcoholic and his mum was more interested in other men than her kids. So he would love to give a child a loving home that would have maybe experienced the same thing which is lovely of him to think like that.

I would like another child of our own first and think listening to all u guys it would be better for them to be in school as adopted children may need more attention.

This is something for us to think about. I'm currently on maternity leave going bk to work ft in January which will kill me leaving my baby but unfortunately bills need paying.hmm

I love my husband very much but I know a lot of the responsibility of looking after the children will fall on me as I know he wouldn't quit his job or go part time so that's something I would have to do and think about.

I have contacted my local adoption agency so hopefully get to one of the info days. Just a thinking process for now as our wee woman is going through the teething stage so there will be no babies just yet lol grin

Again thank u and for all of u that has adopted already I take my hat off to u. Ur all amazing people smile

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