Talk

Advanced search

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Family book and DVD

(11 Posts)
Kazza299 Fri 14-Nov-14 16:43:45

What is the correct wording for introducing ourselves in the family book? I put 'new mummy and daddy' but think this is wrong as we are not replacing birth parents. Quite prepared to change it but feels so weird saying 'thus is your mummy and daddy'.
Also just been told we need to do a DVD for Monday! Do we say. 'Hello, we are going to be your mummy and daddy'? If we say 'we are your m and d' surely they'll think.... 'Er no you're not!!'

slkk Fri 14-Nov-14 17:03:44

I would think this depends on the age of the children and if they remember their bp. We were just introduced as mummy and daddy to our 3yo.

Lilka Fri 14-Nov-14 17:17:51

How old is your child/ren?

With young ones, you should introduce yourself as you are - that is mummy and daddy.

Older children can be different, but even so, when I made up my book for DD2, who was nearly 8, I definitely called myself mum, but used my first name as well. I was introduced as her new mum X, then she called me 'Mummy X', then finally she dropped my name and simply called me 'Mummy'. Because of her age and knowing her birth mum as mum also, she did need that time to call me 'Mummy X' at first, but even with 8+ year olds, they usually become comfortable with 'mum and dad' quickly. DD2 took only a few weeks weeks to drop my first name entirely.

The only child I did it differently with, was DD1 who was 10 and a half, because I was told by her FC that she didn't like the word mum very much. Therefore I simply used my first name, and we drew a distinction between 'mum' and 'parent'. However, her situation really isn't common. It's very unusual not to say mummy and daddy.

I would bear in mind that your child/ren should have been being prepared for adoption for a time already. Social workers and foster carers usually talk about it to the children in terms of 'finding a new family to live with forever' and do say 'your new mummy and daddy'. I expect that unless your children are much older, they will have been being told they are going to get a new mummy and daddy to live with forever. If they were having difficulties with the idea of a new mum and dad, it should have been picked up at that stage.

If you are unsure, I would ask the childs SW/the foster carer/s, because they can tell you how the children have been prepared, how they're talking about adoption to the child/ren, and what the child themself has been referring to adoptive parents as. Then you can introduce yourself in the way that the child has been thinking about you/ told about you.

But unless you have an unusual situation, I would call yourself mum and dad, and with an older child, you can tell them your first names as well.

You aren't replacing the role their birth parents have had and will have in their lives, but you are most definitely becoming their mum and dad. And children themselves often really want that normality of having people to call mum and dad, and being like other children.

Kazza299 Fri 14-Nov-14 18:17:47

Hi thanks so much for you detailed reply. The chn are 4 and 6. I have shown SW the book which says 'new' mummy and daddy but I am now concerned about it being wrong. Only got told about DVD today and it's needed for panel on Monday! I would love to say that chn have some idea about us but things have been done very badly and although panel is on Monday we do not start intros until after Xmas as there has been no prep work done yet! Been with FC 2 years, and she is inexperienced, so pretty sure they won't have been told very much as yet!

Haffdonga Fri 14-Nov-14 18:46:48

Just a suggestion (please ignore me if inappropriate). If the plan is to use the time between now and intros starting to prepare the dcs for both adoption and for you , and there is going to be a gap of a few weeks, would the simplest terminology for the CD be Hello. I'm going to be your mummy ? Then when intros actually start. Hello. I'm mummy

I'd have thought for a 6 yo it's possibly confusing not to acknowledge the new element to the whole thing and somehow act as if you've always been mummy, especially if they remember BM or if the FC has misguidedly called herself mummy .

silverlinings79 Fri 14-Nov-14 19:51:06

We went with 'forever mummy' as while they don't really understand concept of 'forever' it helps them realise that there won't be another new mummy and another one after that etc..... It worked a treat smile

It feels weird writing it and weirder when first time they meet you you get called it! But young children are pretty damn accepting of names. What is harder is that you have a mummy who has been neglectful etc., then there is a foster carer who does everything right but called by first name, then we come along and it makes sense that they will think we'll hang on, 'Mummys' aren't so great, so why do I leave my lovely fc to go to a 'mummy'. This is also where 'forever' mummy has helped because in conversations we say 'forever mummy's always...' etc. to distinguish the difference.

We put our DVD together really quickly, a weekend I do not wish to repeat!....after everything the process throws at you this was our biggest test lol Good luck getting it done and good luck for panel smile

blossom101001 Fri 14-Nov-14 20:00:53

Kazza you sound just like me...I could have written your posts. Our foster carers were inexperienced and so not a lot was done for our boys (4 and 5) to prepare them for adoption. They were in the foster carers home for 2 years and 10 months. However, we called ourselves Mummy and Daddy. We said we were going to be their mummy and daddy. Our story for the book was 'there was a mummy and daddy who were looking forward to a little cub named ..... to come home'. When they were given their books, DVD and teddies it was given to them by the SW. Therefore their SW told them we were their mummy and daddy. They watched the video with her first. I think (well it is the case for my boys) that it is better if the SW does this, as my boys would have thought that their FC would have given them all the gifts.

Italiangreyhound Sat 15-Nov-14 00:01:41

Hi Kazza please don't let the inept people in the process spoil the joy for you.

This is what we said in our butterfly talking book....

This is our family Italian and NickYoungquest and Cassia Greyhound (not our real names!)
This is our pet
I'm your new daddy, I like figure skating
I'm your new mummy, I like solo rock climbing
This is Cassia, she's 9, she likes being good and tidying her room
(not our real interests!)
Then a few local shots and ending with his room.

I'd just make a simple DVD of your home and garden, your local area and yourselves.

If you decide to you may be able to re-do it at your leisure after you get through panel. My only suggestions is just look around a room before filming and remove any 'debris'! We had boxes and black plastic sacks in our dinning room when my hubby filmed us eating dinner and it looked like we lived in a squat! Try not to stress, I am sure it will be fine.

blossom101001 Sat 15-Nov-14 00:13:54

I was going to say- very interesting hobbies Italian.

Even though we had some inept people working around the children. I would not change it. They have made the boys who they are and I will be always thankful.

I know it easier said than done and I wish I did it. But try to enjoy the experience of making the video and book. Our books still get used now even 3 months after the boys moved in. They still ask to watch the video when they find it in the DVD collection. They both had their own and the boys shared their stories with each other.

One thing we did which we didn't realise would be so important now is that we finished both the book and DVD with a little saying 'love you, cant wait to see you' (not really what was said). But that is now used by the whole family when we have to separate. When cubs go through their classroom gates they will say it to me as they go in and I will say it to them. Or tonight when I put them to bed they said it to me as I turned out the light. Just a little ritual which helps build attachment. Was never meant to be but has snowballed to be important.

Italiangreyhound Sat 15-Nov-14 00:19:02

How lovely Blossom.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Sat 15-Nov-14 18:33:29

We were Mummy X and Daddy Y in the intro book and DVD.

Then introduced and referred to as Mummy and Daddy by the FCs.

(girls were 2 and 8).

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now