Advanced search

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Birth parent letters

(36 Posts)
Italiangreyhound Wed 12-Nov-14 01:20:56

There have been a few threads on here recently about letters from birth parents. The threads have covered some ground about what to put in the letter to birth parents etc, waiting for letters etc and that type of thing.

I am just wondering from any parents who do get birth parent letters, if they would be willing to share how they feel when they get them, what they do with the letters, how/when they share them.

We are waiting for ours and I would love to know some more but I do recognise that not many people get letters from the birth parents and many others may not wish to share openly, so please do pm me if you prefer.

Italiangreyhound Wed 12-Nov-14 01:22:36

...share them with their child/ren ...I mean.


humpbackedsurgeon Wed 12-Nov-14 07:45:58

My honest opinion is that I think they are the height of cruelty to all parties unless in extremely rare cases.

Sorry - I know it won't be a popular view.

LastingLight Wed 12-Nov-14 07:53:22

We're not in a situation where BP letters are relevant so this is a new concept for me. What could the BP put in the letter that would be appropriate, not disturbing to the child or helpful?

Italiangreyhound Wed 12-Nov-14 12:10:43

Thanks for your replies.

humpbackedsurgeon can you say more about your thoughts? I am not looking for a bun fight but if you wish to share your thoughts, please do.

We are in a position where we have been told we should write letters to the birth parents and if we do not do so, at least initially, we would be going back on what we just said we would do. So not writing is not for us an option. The birth parents have the right to write or not. They too have agreed to write but I would not blame them for not writing.

If you wish to share it would be helpful to know what your involvement is, birth or adoptive parent, person who went through adoption as a child, friend to people have adopted or just interested party, if you are willing to share that information, of course. Thank you. smile

LastingLight thank you. smile

Angelwings11 Wed 12-Nov-14 12:52:08

I think I understand what humpbackedsurgeon is saying.

Cruel to the birth parents, as it is reminder of the children that they have lost and that there are rules enforced re:content re: letterbox.

Cruel to our children, as it's a reminder that they are different and/or another form of rejection if letters are not reciprocated. It also may/may not add to confusion regarding indentity.

Cruel to adopters as reminder of the abuse etc inflicted, the many moves etc and possibly the damage/heartache this has caused.

An interesting thread italiangreyhound. I have thought about it and I am just not sure really.

MerryInthechelseahotel Wed 12-Nov-14 13:23:49

For my ds he likes to hear from birth parents. He likes to hear they have been thinking of him as he has of them. He liked to hear he was a good footballer even in the womb. At the moment it is good for him. He is very secure and hearing from them doesn't seem to disturb him at all, on the contrary it reassures him as he remembers them well.

Lilka Wed 12-Nov-14 13:26:27

I'm sorry, I don't have time to reply properly now Italian, but I will later, we got letters from DD2's birth mum for years

I would say thought that you need to be careful about assuming or second guessing what effect contact will have on other people, especially our kids birth parents. Some birth parents might not like letters, but some will be counting down the month, weeks and days till the next letter and desperately want more letters. How they're going to feel about it is going to be very personal and individual. Our second guessing is unlikely to actually be right. Do everything based on what we think is right for our children, and the BP's feelings are their own, to deal with themselves or with professionals. Or to put it another way, if DD's birth mother had stopped writing because she decided that it was unfair on me or that she guessed it was hurting DD, it would have been the wrong thing for her to do, because the benefits of contact at that time and in that way, were outweighing the difficulties of it.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Wed 12-Nov-14 15:01:02

I hold letters back for 1 or 2 days until a good time. e.g. I won't hand a letter over if DD1 has revision for a big test to do.

We used to read out letters, but now both can read they read them. Normally only once each, and then I file away in a filing cabinet. They know that if at any time they want to look at them they can ask.

My DDs find them reassuring that they have not been forgotten and BM is OK. Though recently DD1 has found them harder as she is realising how far away her life has grown from BM, who is also rebuilding her life.

Italiangreyhound Thu 13-Nov-14 23:47:58

Angel I may be seeing it all wrong but I don't feel that way, as the adoptive parent, and can't imagine it will be that way for ds. But of course, as Lilka rightly points out I cannot know what birth family feels.

humpbackedsurgeon was just so emphatic about letters I just wanted to see where they were coming from.

Sanders thanks, I can't imagine being in the position of ds reading letter for himself. I guess your letters will be addressed to the children, for the time being ours will be addressed to us.

Thanks one and all, any more thoughts? Any one?

MooseyMouse Fri 14-Nov-14 05:18:36

It looks like we won't be getting them. We wrote to our son's birth mum a couple of months ago and she's supposed to write back in Oct but there's been nothing.

It's the second year we've received nothing but we met her after the first letterbox contact so I had hoped she might feel able to write this time.

I hope yours goes well Italian

Angelwings11 Fri 14-Nov-14 07:49:30

When I wrote my previous post although I understood what humpbacksurgeon was saying, I didn't say I necessarily agreed nor disagreed with whathumpbacksurgeon wrote. Yes, I don't know how BF would feel nor you or others, but it was just an opinion.

I have written two letters and had nothing back. I would like to receive something for the sake of my daughter. Our LB is being reviewed next year and unless it is a two way thing, then unfortunately we will have to stop it.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 14-Nov-14 14:37:48

Italian It's probably a bit different for us because DD1 was 8 when placed and the main need of the letters was to reassure her that her BM was OK. However, we have also always read the letters out to DD2, even when she was only 3.

For us, it has always been understood by BM that letters are shared with the girls. They tend to be addressed to us but worded suitable for them. BM does get help writing them though.

We always read the letter ourselves first before telling the girls it has arrived. If there was major news we would consider how best to break it.

Italiangreyhound Sat 15-Nov-14 00:15:13

Thanks MooseyMouse.

Angel I guess I am just very much convinced of the benefits of letterbox for children and maybe for birth parents too. But as I say how can I know. Maybe it is better for some people to simply try to forget, I guess I am trying to imagine how I would feel. Knowing that a child is alive and well must beat not knowing, that s just my perspective.

But I know from a previous thread that it must be hugely difficult for birth parents.

I can also imagine for some adopters, because of what has happened, or because of their own experiences etc that it may be hard too.

I guess I would like try and understand other people's points of view but as Lilka says, I cannot really know.

Also, how do I drip feed in the information from letters to my little one.

Thanks one and all.

Italiangreyhound Thu 20-Nov-14 16:42:32

We got a letter! Hooray. So pleased.

MerryInthechelseahotel Thu 20-Nov-14 18:07:11

That's great Italian

excitedmtb Thu 20-Nov-14 20:12:19

great news Italian.

Whatutalkinboutwillis Thu 20-Nov-14 20:19:31

Glad it came Italian x

auntybookworm Thu 20-Nov-14 20:33:55

Pleased it came flowers

FamiliesShareGerms Fri 21-Nov-14 07:06:20

We get infrequent letters (it doesn't help that BF, BM and siblings write separately) and hold onto them until a good point to read them to DD. Even though she likes getting them they upset her for about a week afterwards. We understand that it's better in the long run, but struggle sometimes to see that when DD is lashing out at us as a result sad

Italiangreyhound Fri 21-Nov-14 19:45:37

Families our letters are written to us, and I am not going to read the letter to ds, it is too long and he would seriously lose interest before I got through it. I just know he would. But I am drip feeding in the info. Also as it is not addressed to him and he is now starting to identify his name I would need to explain it was not addressed to him!

I am delighted to have it but now just not sure how to get all the info into little one, in a site sized way. Of course will keep it safe. We have photographed it and will store the backups elsewhere so even if our house burns down ds's letters will be safe!

Italiangreyhound Fri 21-Nov-14 19:46:14

Bite not site, bite sized way!

FamiliesShareGerms Fri 21-Nov-14 21:45:12

We précis the letters too, but sometimes need to do them in a couple of sittings to go through the details.

RabbitRabbit78 Tue 25-Nov-14 11:05:17

Sent our first letterbox a couple of months ago and are waiting to see if we receive anything in return. We have letterbox with 5 birth family members - out of interest, in this situation do other people write individual letters or the same to everyone?

CloserThanYesterday Tue 25-Nov-14 18:55:44

I'd be interested in the answer to that too, Rabbit. We have to write to 4 different birth family members and are wondering if it's ok to send the same letter.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now