Where to start - Ds is a nightmare! Background Ds is 8, we adopted him at 13 months, he went straight to foster carer from the hospital. I am really struggling with him He is negative about everything. He lies constantly about really stupid stuff. He will be blatantly be doing something then deny he's doing it. He is rude to me constantly. He argues constantly. Everything I say to him I'm wrong he's right. He is also like this with dd who is 6. It's just so draining I dread him getting up in a morning. Just now he is saying that I won't let him read I don't let him read an I'm starving him to death. He chose not to read over the weekend and he is choosing not to eat his tea tonight as he says he doesn't like it!! Has anybody been through this constant awfulness and come through it?
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
I maybe haven't explained it well. All the little incidents on their own are petty and daft but put them all together when it's constant and it really is very hard to deal with. I think a lot of it is control like food an the limited amount he will eat, when I ask him to do something and his automatic response is either no or I've already done it (which he hasn't) I don't think that it's that he particularly doesn't want to do the said thing it's that he won't because I've asked him iyswim. The most annoying thing is as soon as anyone other than me dd and dh is around he totally switches into a polite loving little boy so he is totally capable of
Doing it he just chooses not to. We are aware he has attachment issues but things seem to be getting worse
Year by year not better
. I want to feel happy to be picking him up from school not dreading the onslaught and counting down the hours. It's a sorry situation
Thanks GoodtoBetter I'll ask for it to be moved to adoption 
Hi jamfilter, thanks for your reply. We don't really get any support. A psychologist has seen Ds and identified attachment issues but our camhs don't deal with it, we have been pushing for post adoption support for years but they only thing they offer us is various forms of theraplay which don't seem to help much
Fundamentally and deep down I know he doesn't chose to do this stuff, but boy sometimes does it feel like does
he is a lot better with dh on his own than with me and sometimes it feels as though he hates me although I know he doesn't really.
I suppose what really worries me is that I'm getting to the point where I don't enjoy being around him and while I try my hardest not to show this he must see the difference between interactions with me and dd and me and him which I know in turn will only exacerbate his anxiety and insecurity.
I guess there are no real answers and I can't tell people in real life how I feel because firstly they sit believe me that Ds is like this at home an secondly how evil does it sound to say you don't enjoy being with your child
I can't say I'm surprised CAMHS were useless, but I'm angry on your behalf. Have you tried talking to BAAF? I believe their helpline (or Adoption UK's) is very supportive, and may be able to identify some different options for support that could help. It may then involve going back to your LA and fighting for funding for it, but sometimes you have more luck doing that when you are suggesting something specific, rather than rejecting repeats of their standard offers of theraplay etc.
I don't think anyone enjoys being pushed to their limits, being constantly worried about their son, and feeling unwanted. That does not make you evil! But it does make your situation really strained and fragile. Your emotional health is important too, as it's through you that your son is supported. 
Thinking about this some more, do you feel like it's the choices that your DS finds hard? If he is fighting you on every decision, maybe he is struggling and fearful of decisions (scared of making the "wrong" choice) and so they have all become flashpoints for him. If you think that might be part of it, perhaps his choices need to be much smaller, so that he is safe that all the options are a success. That might mean using limited choices, as you would with a much younger child, where there are two options (and both of them are things you as the parent would be happy with). For example, would you like to walk or bike to the park? (The bit about going to the park is non-negotiable, but the child has some control about how they get there.)
Or perhaps there could be half-hour slots when he has a turn to choose an activity to do with you, from two or three options (offering him control again).
I also wonder whether he is more combative and appears to struggle more at home, because there is less structure than at school? I know quite a lot of adopted children (including mine) feel much safer in a clear routine. We have a daily schedule on the wall, with velcro pieces for what will happen, and I try really hard to stick to it. So for example, when we get in from school, we have a 30 minute session of play with a choice of three independent activities - i.e. books, lego, or drawing. This has prevented (most of) the meltdowns at that time, which turned out to be caused by overwhelming choice of which toy to play with, or how long to play. It's been helpful to bridge the school-home transition for us, but it's only one idea.
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I've given up with the food stuff jameme. He has been like this with food from day one and I've tried everything. Now I put the good and he either eats it or doesn't. Supper is cereal so he always eats breakfast and supper. Sometimes he eats all/a bit or nine, sometimes he doesn't even come to the table and I ignore it all. He starts asking what's for tea the minute he gets up and I just say I don't know yet as if I tell me he worries about it all day 
Hello Hammer,
Your DS sounds a little bit like mine, with a similar history. Have a look at my thread from the other day, the title mentions Webster-Stratton, and have a look at the very helpful reply I got from Threesocksnohairbrush, you might find the Ross Greene link useful. It IS bloody hard work and it is not evil to not enjoy it that much when things are difficult. Being disagreed with and challenged constantly is very undermining I find. You're not the only one, people on this board are really helpful though 
I'm posting not because I have anything helpful to say, but because I have a niggly feeling this will be DD in a couple of years 
Do you already - or can you - access support/therapy that specifically approaches all your family needs with an attachment specific approach. IMO CAMHS have zero - that's absolutely NO - understanding or resources in this area.
Where (roughly) in the UK are you? We are in Bristol and there is both a good post-adoption support service and a private charity where families with children with attachment disorder can access good, effective, understanding therapy.
I will try to post links to two very good, though not very cheerful sites that helped me enormously, even if they did break my heart on first reading them as they just perfectly accurately described where we were at as a family
After that grief (and grief is very preset in every adoption situation - do not be afraid to look for it and connect with it) there was space for some recovery and strategies for loving and living.
The issue that concerns me for you (that is YOU as the parent OP) is that you are becoming exhausted and worn right down by attachment disorder behaviour and that is something called 'Secondary Trauma' - I would argue that all adopters love with this all the time. Again finding out is the key to living with it.
DD was about 8 when we started to realise what was happening to our family. She is now 15. It is still present everyday, but our understanding of it all has helped us carry on with daily life.
MPD (links will follow)
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Bum! The site I wanted to link has closed down - what a pain.
However, these give a good description of Secondary Trauma:
traumaadoption.org/adopt/content/secondary-trauma
traumaadoption.org/adopt/content/parents-children-reactive-attachment-disorder
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