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Can't Decide on Treatment or Adoption

(18 Posts)
CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Tue 04-Nov-14 12:20:45

DP had a vasectomy whilst married previously but we would very much like to add to our families with another child. I am 36, 37 in January so time is very much ticking, and after a conversation with my GP this morning, if we are to try for a biological child we need to get moving sooner rather than later. DP has 2 children from his previous marriage, and I have a DD(6) from my previous marriage.

We are getting married next August (almost 4 years to the day from when we met) and were delaying any type of decision until then, but when I mentioned this to the GP she shook her head and said, you at lest need to start the process before - ASAP.

We'd have to have surgical sperm retrieval as it's a much better option than reversal due to the likelihood of a successful reversal and also our ages), and therefore IVF with ISCI and I may have to have additional treatment due to adenomyosis, so it will be no mean feat physically, emotionally and financially.

Of course we could adopt, there are so many reasons why this would be a much better option; obviously negating the need for fertility treatment, the opportunity to give a child a loving family etc.

I just can't shake this desire to at least try for a biological child with DP.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or can shed any light on treatment or adoption which might make the decision slightly easier to make? I've also posted this in the infertility topic.

HappyAgainOneDay Tue 04-Nov-14 12:42:42

There's more passing traffic in the Am I Being Unreasonable section. You'd be bound to get answers there.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Tue 04-Nov-14 12:46:02


TheFamilyJammies Tue 04-Nov-14 12:59:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilka Tue 04-Nov-14 13:03:26

My perspective as an adoptive mum is that if you desire a birth child with your DP, then that's what you should do

One of the things that adoption requires is that you have 'moved forward' from the idea of a BC, and are fully committed to adopting. In many ways it's very different to having a BC, so you would need to be very comfortable with all that. It's also a very demanding process emotionally.

I would also add that it's not a bad thing to focus on your wants and desires. You desire a BC, so why not try? 'making a difference to a child' is fine, but not if you try and persuade yourself to do it because it's 'less selfish' iyfswim. You really should be both self centred and really honest with yourself about what you want

Lastly, the adoption option isn't going anywhere in a hurry. You can adopt in your late 40's or even early 50's. A LOT of adopters are in their mid-late forties. The biological route though, as you said, is much more time limited. So you can have fertility treatment, and hopefully you will have a BC. If IVF doesn't work for you, then you can revisit adoption and have lots of time left to persue that

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Tue 04-Nov-14 13:12:58

Thanks all - TheFamilyJammies, I have done some reading yes, mainly on attachment disorder and DP and I have been discussing this.

I know what you mean about being 100% certain before committing to adoption, appreciate the implications of not reconciling my feelings before going ahead.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Tue 04-Nov-14 13:14:09

Lilka - you're making some very good points, really helping me put it in to perspective.

Italiangreyhound Tue 04-Nov-14 14:15:21

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger good luck with whatever you choose.

Me ad DH had 6 and a half years of fertility treatment to have a second child. It never worked even though I had donor eggs three times. My adopted son is now sitting on the sofa watching Mr Tumble.

It is imperative (IMHO) that you follow your heart and try for a bio child if this is what you want to do. My ds is not second best by any means, it is just that I personally needed to explore having another child biologically first. Not genetically because in the end it was donor eggs, but the child would have been genetically linked to my dd and of course my dh.

Now, I can honestly say it does not matter at all that my ds is not related to me by biology or genes BUT I really did have to explore the bio options first. I think we are also quite lucky in that our boy was three when he came to us and he has very few problems (so far) but I needed to be ready for all kind of issues and once we committed to adoption

I was very much able to put the past of fertility treatment behind me. I was also in my mid to late 40s before we stopped trying but that was because with donor eggs the biological component for women is not present as the eggs are younger.

I guess what I am struggling to say is both fertility treatment or adoption are great ways to expand you family BUT you really must be sure you have closed the door on fertility treatment before you start down the adoption route.

Good luck. smile

Italiangreyhound Tue 04-Nov-14 14:16:32

Agree with Lila when she says ...ou can adopt in your late 40's or even early 50's.

I am not far off (whispers) 50. wink

Italiangreyhound Tue 04-Nov-14 14:17:23

lilka even.

AngelsWithSilverWings Tue 04-Nov-14 14:22:39

As an adoptive mum who had years of fertility treatment I have to say that you need to explore treatment while you are still longing for a birth child.

As an aside I have a friend who is 39 and her DH 40.He had a reversal and she fell pregnant within a month of his operation.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Tue 04-Nov-14 18:54:29

Blimey Angels, 1 month!!

You are all talking complete sense, the desire to try for a bio child is there so yes, I think exhausting that avenue first is the best idea before going down the adoption route first.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Tue 04-Nov-14 18:56:19

Sorry, an erroneous "first" in that last post!

AngelsWithSilverWings Tue 04-Nov-14 20:04:03

Yes they were rather shocked! They were told it would be at least three months before they could realistically start trying but the surgeon who did the reversal has had a few other couples fall first month of trying!

auntybookworm Tue 04-Nov-14 23:30:21

Hello, we have only just reached the conclusion (last 18 months) that adopting rather than biological child was right for us. DP and I felt relief at making the decision.
We had several rounds of ICSI and were in the fortunate position of being able to pay for a couple more. It is hard to explain what shifted but it now feels right to adopt and I would not consider any other route. Not sure if this is the same for everyone but I can only reflect on our experiences.

We adopted 5 years ago, after discovering that DH and I both had fertility issues. We looked into fertility treatment, and we were assessed and offered a free round of IVF on the NHS, but we declined it because it didn't feel right to us. Adoption was always our way forward, and I think that because we had that desire and conviction, it might the process more attainable and manageable for us. I can't imagine how we'd have got through it all, if we'd also been wondering "what if...?"
You do have to go with your gut, I think - but you've had some great advice, and if you decide on adoption in the future, then you still have lots of time to visit this option

dibly Fri 14-Nov-14 13:51:30

Hi, we adopted 4 months ago, following 2 failed cycles of ivf. Our experience was that, whilst disappointing, it was helpful to explore ivf and silence the 'what ifs' that I think would always have cropped up if we hadn't had tried. I won't lie though, ivf was a far more emotionally and physically gruelling experience than we'd anticipated, added to which I also suffer from adenomyosis, which made ivf excruciatingly painful, and was advised that treatment before ivf would have greatly improved our chances.

We gave ourselves 2 years to grieve our biological child loss before pursuing adoption, and there are still moments now where I feel so sad about the baby that we couldn't conceive, which I think this has been heightened by the fact that our very young LO has attachment issues and been quite rejecting at times.

My honest opinion is, unless you're completely at peace with not having your biological child, then you should first explore fertility treatment. HTH

flightywoman Fri 14-Nov-14 16:21:11

I agree with what's been said - if you haven't completely come to terms with not having a bio child then the process will challenge you on that.

I knew it was highly unlikely for me to conceive when I was 23 and have always known that I am not up for the challenge of assisted conception. When we started the adoption process I had had 23 years of being at peace with that. And they STILL probed me about it at length. If I hadn't been absolutely secure in my own mind about what was right for me, my body, my emotions, and my relationship, I think I'd have found it hard.

I think you might need to look at the medical options first, just to be sure.

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