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(38 Posts)
Ratracerunner Sun 26-Oct-14 20:31:25

My children's BM and BF have actually set them up Facebook pages, presumably for them to find when they are older.
Although they are in their original names and only contain toddler photos, I'm concerned about this and the possible impact it could have should they ever discover these pages.
Has anyone ever experienced this and if so did you raise the subject with them beforehand?
No point asking for the pages to be taken down - they'll just get put back up again.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Sun 26-Oct-14 20:33:21

I'd be asking Facebook to remove them. As you have care, you also have the right to get them taken down.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Sun 26-Oct-14 20:33:48

Oh I see you think they'd just put them back up. Well then report them again or take legal action.

excitedmtb Sun 26-Oct-14 22:55:05

I have been wondering about this. If birth parents have pictures on their own FB page can we the adoptive parents ask for these to be removed? it concerns me also but I just thought there was nothing that could be done.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Sun 26-Oct-14 23:19:37

If you have parental rights then they're your children surely? And your rights and your wants come first.

The "parent" is who is responsible regardless of the blood relationship.

Anyway I found this article in The Guardian

this one

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Sun 26-Oct-14 23:19:57

link sorry

Ratracerunner Mon 27-Oct-14 06:39:36

Thanks for the link. Yes, we are the parents and do have legal rights, but the internet is a very big place and difficult to control. I have requested the removal of the pages and nothing has happened.
Without going into too much detail, the birth parents are particularly tenacious and I don't think continuous removal would make much difference.
I think I need to concentrate on methods of discussing the information with them at a suitable time.

TheFamilyJammies Mon 27-Oct-14 08:53:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFamilyJammies Mon 27-Oct-14 08:54:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 27-Oct-14 15:51:05

Don't they breach FB T&Cs by being accounts for young children?

Ratracerunner Mon 27-Oct-14 18:24:41

We will discuss their full details with them in the drip feed style which is what they recommend (bits of info over time in manageable chunks).

It's a difficult one. I think we're just going to have to communicate with them and support them consistently, and try and bring them up with the 'tools' to cope with it.

MooseyMouse Mon 27-Oct-14 22:35:59

My son also has his own Facebook page (created by his birth mum) and there are baby pictures of him all over his birth mum's page. It's a weird feeling but we haven't asked for it to be removed because I felt it might seem antagonistic.

BlueAndPinkPolkadots Mon 10-Nov-14 22:08:00

At the end of the day imagine this. Those children you have adopted are snatched from you and you are told you can not see them again, would you hurt? God yes.

Now imagine if you'd carried those children in your own body and you'd hurt 10x more.

These people, whatever you think of them, are those children's biological parents and severing that biological connection completely is detrimental to a child's development. How do you think "your children" which are actually other people's children will feel when they are old enough to realise that you made active and probably relentless attempts at ensuring the pair do not so much as speak Of each other let alone see each other? They will resent you for it.

Any good adoptive parent strives to maintain a conscious connection between the child and the birth parent, even if that is in the form of letterbox contact or pictures in cases where face to face contact aren't suitable. To sever that tie completely will culminate in that adopted child resenting you and seeing you as selfish, my best friend is an adoptee and has recently disowned her adoptive mother after discovering that the adoptive mother withheld letters from her biological Mum.

I'm all for adoptions where the adoptive parent adopts because they want to give a neglected child a better life, but some (not all) of the posts I read from adoptive mothers project selfishness and no conscious acknowledgment for the importance of that child's personal identity.

Unless the parent has harmed the child you shouldn't try and turn the child against the parent in the form of blocking messages in the future. That alone is emotional abuse.

TheFamilyJammies Mon 10-Nov-14 22:33:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JammyJimmy Mon 10-Nov-14 22:58:06

Letterbox contact, life story books and other forms of age appropriate contact are a far cry from Facebook pages with toddler pictures and the minimization of reasons why their children were removed to safety in the first place.

Lilka Mon 10-Nov-14 23:49:24

Now imagine if you'd carried those children in your own body and you'd hurt 10x more

It wouldn't hurt 10x more if i carried my children, it would hurt exactly the same amount, because there is no difference between the love and bond we have for our children by birth and children by adoption.

My children are actually my own children. And I know my children better than anyone else, and i can judge what's in the best interests of my children better than anyone else. I don't need lecturing on my children

And setting up FB pages for children as the OP is experiencing, is never the right course of action. I really sympathise with their pain, but unfortunately it shows a lack of ability to put the child first and empathy to put themselves in the childs shoes. We have birth parents here who I respect enoromously, for many reasons but partly because of the way they absolutely always put their children first, which sadly but understandably, I have rarely seen in parents who have lost in children

Unfortunately, when you experience and witness, and support parents over many years through the very negative effects contact can have, and in these days, often, has on a childs development, you realise that the whole 'contact is always beneficial' view social workers are so fond of is a) bollocks, and b) in cases when contact offers benefits, it's often very complicated with both positive and negative sides, and everyone needs support with it

Oh, and children who have been harmed whether intentionlly or unintentionally in their birth homes is probably 95%+ of every adoption since 1990 I have ever come across

Ratracerunner Tue 11-Nov-14 07:12:24

BlueandPink - I have read your other thread and I am sorry you are experiencing such heartache over the loss of your baby.

But pleased bear in mind that we all have a different 'backstory'. Projecting your own anger and upset onto me makes no sense because I am in a completely different situation to you.

My children's BP were drug using career criminals. I ensure letterbox contact is carried out and they will get all their records, but they were not fit to raise a child safely.

I do not need to explain further. Every decision I make is in the best interest of my children, and I love them more than anything in the world.

Their welfare comes first. Their interests are put first. They are priority. And as mentioned previously before, the majority of BP are unable to put their children first - it is all about them and their needs and their wants.

I hope you manage to find some peace.

silverlinings79 Tue 11-Nov-14 08:17:36

I was contacted by my birth father after no contact for 9 years at age of 15 (around the age you get a fb account nowadays, well maybe a couple of years earlier) completely out of the blue at a time of GCSE exams etc. This was not a good time for me, it was not structured and it was not helpful to me AT ALL, it messed with my head. Had he bothered to go down a more official route with my mother he would have known this. As a smart kid in the end I told him to leave me alone. I sought him out at 21, at a time when I was old enough, not going through important life changes, not hormonal and understood an adults perspective on why I was left, because no matter how much you think you do as a teenager, you don't. Him contacting me through improper means was selfish and quite frankly about his emotions and his need to contact me, if he was dying I would have understood, but otherwise contact should be done when in the child's best interests and in an appropriate manner which facebook is 100% not. Facebook is not appropriate for many things, teachers to contact pupils, bosses to contact staff and certainly not this.
Now, as an adoptive parent, I fully support contact via letterbox etc. in fact I've started ours before we are officiallly supposed to, to help birth family and I will commit to it 100% in the years to come for my children's sake and I will be encouraging them, should the want to, to meet birth parents after their school years. I would like to say that this will not be for the birth parents sake, as much as I empathise with them, but for my child's benefit. EVERYTHING should be done with the child in mind and I'm sorry Blueandpink for everything you are going through right now but your response to the post is with you in mind, your heartache at your loss, not what is in best interests for child. This was talking about specifically the inappropriateness of facebook not preventing contact between BP's and children.
Nearly all children are not removed as babies, it is toddlers, when the harm has been shown and so you are speaking to an audience who is not in the same boat. As I read your post I am considerate of the fact you are going through so much pain right now that we are receiving an emotional response, but in return I would ask you to be considerate of others and their situations who come here for support. There are some amazing birth parents who whenever I read their posts I have nothing but respect for mainly because they are so considerate of their child's needs, they can actually help when it comes to us AP's improving contact letters etc. and I think people on here can also give them some support in return.

I wish you all the best in finding peace.

....and as for facebook? grrr.....

excitedmamma Tue 11-Nov-14 10:10:45

well said Lilka.... my daughter (no 'adoptive' daughter label necessary) is MY CHILD...

Blood is NOT thicker than water....

She is MY daughter... she deserves to be that... someones daughter.. someone she can call Mummy and Daddy...

I understand your pain and am sorry for your story..but you do need to realise that "your" child can be loved just as much by someone else who does not discriminate between genes... not everyone could do it... but I am living proof (as so many others on here are) that it is VERY POSSIBLE...

She already (age 2) knows her birth parents names... I talk positively about them.... for HER BENEFIT.... as a parent this is my job... to put her best interests first.... no matter what....

I hope you find peace

Angelwings11 Tue 11-Nov-14 12:14:34

blueandpinkpolkadots, I have read your thread and I can feel the pain that you are in. I am however offended by some of what you have written. How in any way can you say, that the biological parent would feel more pain if a 'child was snatched away' than an adoptive parent? Are you implying that only a BP 'love' is more profound and true? I love my daughter, and she is *my daughter*;the fact that she is adopted is neither here nor there, I love her deeply. Yes severing ties can have a detrimental effect, but so can keeping a child in an abusive and neglectful environment; my daughter was removed for a very good reason. There are many BP that regularly post and I have the upmost respect for them, because they have an upmost respect for us, as our goal is to put the child first.

paulwellersjam Tue 11-Nov-14 12:44:56

'Your children who are actually other people's children'?

Do we always always always need to feel the pain others are in when they turn up here and insult us and our children?

Can't we EVER just tell them to get fucked?

Just asking while I'm in a feisty little namechange...

Angelwings11 Tue 11-Nov-14 13:15:47

paulwellersjam wink

MerryInthechelseahotel Tue 11-Nov-14 13:32:47

Can't we EVER just tell them to get fucked? Er let's not! tempting though

blueandpink your post was out of order but I would guess most people here, of all places, understand when you (or a child) are hurting badly it is easy to lash out at people

dibly Tue 11-Nov-14 13:33:30

This makes me think it'd be better for adopters and birth parents to have separate places to post. Completely agree with Lilka et al. I don't think anyone disputes that the system can be really tough for birth parents, but our duty is to look after the best interests of our children.

paulwellersjam Tue 11-Nov-14 13:40:30

yeah for me though it's way too easy to lash out at adoptive parents because, for some reason, someone somewhere has decreed that we have to be all fucking sweetness and light all the sodding time. to everyone. despite being insulted, despite dealing day to day with what has been done to OUR children.

I wasn't here when that vote was taken though. and I say bollocks to it frankly.

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