Same school for adopted child as birth child?

[Woolsy84]

We have a 9 year old BD and a 3 year old AS. We would like to send our AS to the same school as our BD went to. The infant school and junior school are next to each other. Our only concern is there will be some connection through our BD friends who may potentially have brothers or sisters in the same year as our AS and it gets known he is adopted and therefore could be picked on because of this. Just wondered if anyone else has had similar situation to deal with.

[Trollsworth]

To be adopted is to be chosen, kids don't think it's weird if they know about it. I don't think you will have an issue with this.

[LastingLight]

My daughter has been bullied about a couple of things but never about being adopted, which she happily shares with kids at school. They seem to find it interesting rather than something to tease her about.

[smokeandglitter]

I am adopted, it's not something to hide. I've never been bullied because of it though have been for plenty of other stuff.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Agree with the others, I don't think this needs to be an issue.

We say to our DDs that different families are made in different ways, and refer to classmates with absent Dads, Stepdads, 2 Mums etc.
Only once (last week!) has anyone mention being adopted in any negative way to DD2, and that was stepped on very firmly by the school.
There are questions occasionally (didn't occur until about y3), but no negativity.

[Greythorne]

I think blended families of all types are so common today, I doubt anyone will bat an eyelid.

[kikisunflower]

No stigma these days, be worse to put them in different schools surely, much nicer and more supportive for them to be in the same school.

[Woolsy84]

Thank you for all your answers & support. It's what we wanted to hear

[KristinaM]

Mary raises a good point -children need defence strategies, especially for adults in a position of authority , like teachers . They can't exactly ask them about their parents sex life .

What about .....

My mum says I don't have to talk about that if I don't want to

My mum says if you need to know about /want to talk about that you've to ask her

Obviously these are for younger children, who usually quote their parents as an authority

[Kewcumber]

DS has had to deal with open questions/comments about being adopted but not exactly bullying. As Maryz and Kristina says, they do need to rehearse answers way before you actually think they will need it (aged 6 in our case).

All the lovely "being chosen" stories don' help when the question "why did your real mum give you away?" is posed to a 6 year old

FWIW our answer is generally "That's private, my mum says I don't have to talk about it"

If you think that only adopted children are protected from sharing by not having siblings, think again! DS pretty much announced to his friends at school that he was adopted in reception.

[duchesse]

A lovely friend has both a birth DD and an adopted DD, quite close together in age. They have been to the same schools throughout and I don't think A DD had any extra problems. I guess it all depends on the personality of the individual child and their ability to handle questions/ curiosity. I honestly don't think that my friend's DD2 has had any trouble whatever.

[Woolsy84]

Thank you all again, you've helped ease our fears. We just wanted to best for our little boy.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi Woolsy84 my birth dd is 10 and my adopted ds is 4 now, so we are in a very similar place to you. We have decided that whether to tell people about adoption is our son's choice, and so I try not to tell people about it if I can avoid it, unless it is in his best interests. So of course I will tell doctors and teachers etc if I feel they need to know. Like when a new doctor asked if ds had reacted to injections before, I had to say I did not know.

Having a dd already at the school means most people already at the school are probably aware ds is adopted. However, increasingly I think people will just forget. So I do not feel the need to tell them.

Before ds went to preschool (at a different location) I told him if he wanted to talk about birth mum etc he could but then people would know I was not his birth mum. And it would be easier if he talked about birth mum with me and dh, and dd, and did not talk about it at school. Not because it was bad or anything but because it was private for our family. Likewise with dd before ds came I told her she could talk about it to her best friends but not to the class in general.

As time has gone on, and reading views here, it has appeared that often adopted children do not want to appear different to others, so if I tell all and sundry they will know, they may know anyway because I am quite well known in my small area and having a dd at the school makes it likely all those connected to her and me will know, but those at the lower end of the school will not.

So it is a personal choice how much you give away information wise, allowing for the fact that some people will just know.

I totally agree about strategies for children to keep things private.

Of course he is special because we chose him but to me dd is no less special because she came about after a series of fertility treatments and investigations. And likewise my close friends know this and so does dd but I don't feel the need to tell everyone else.

I think bullies really can pick on kids for all kinds of reasons, a friend of mine was bullied for being slim, others I have heard of are bullied for being fat. I think the solution is to build as much self confidence into the children as you can and also to totally nurture a talking and sharing environment where any problems at school are discussed and you can intervene if and when you need to.

I hope both your little boy, and mine, and all of ours will not experience any bullying or teasing for any reason and hope school will go smoothly.

Just a heads up one friend told my dd that ds was not her brother as he had not come from me! DD is working out her own thoughts on all this so you may find you need to engage with your dd about all too, and good luck with it all.