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Adopting out my newborn please help

(45 Posts)
zia11 Fri 19-Sep-14 17:06:34

Please could someone take the time to read this and give advice. I know its long but I am just stuck and feeling hopeless at the moment and I would be really grateful for it.

So im 18 at university and 21 weeks pregnant from an abusive brief relationship, he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. For many many reasons including financial issues emotional issues and personal issues I have decided I want to give my child up for adoption, I want my child to have two parents a loving family home and all the opportunities I never had as a child I do love him but I love him enough to know that I want him to have a better life than the life I could give him right now.

So I was being pressured in to aborting him from his dad, I didn't want too so I kept putting it off. It wasn't until I was 18 weeks that I fully accepted it and decided not to abort. I was always thinking abortion in the back of my mind until then which is why I didn't act sooner on the adoption but ethically speaking personally I can not condone an abortion.

I last saw my midwife at 16 weeks so I couldn't discuss these plans with her. I don't think she would agree either as she is really blunt and honest and I do not think she will agree with my choice. I didn't know what to do so I contacted my governments adoption email and they forwarded me to a ladies email who organizes the adoption and fostering in my government. I discussed everything with her and she wanted to meet me, we are meeting in early October. She explained the process to me but was asking me if there was anyone in my family who would be willing to look after a child. I feel like no one understands me, I do not want my family to look after the child, i feel she thinks im not capable of looking after the child rather than just wanting the child to have a good upbringing and a good stable family. I feel like she is trying so many alternatives and not actually looking at adoption. She is telling me that the child will be placed with a foster career after birth and then we will look at adopters and I will have 6 weeks to change my mind, I feel like she is trying to make me change my mind.

I know I am young but I fully understand what is happening and I know all the emotional implications that can come from this but I am willing to deal with those and give my child a better life.

The thing I hate most is the worry of fostering. I want the baby to have a family and to be adopted rather than spend time with fosters and forming a connection and bond with them just to get passed around with the possibility of a life time in care homes rather than an actual family, obviously no one wants that for their child and I just want him to have a good family that is all I want. How many people are wanting to adopt? Are the numbers low or are there lots of people wanting newborns? I worry that there aren't that many people therefore he wont be adopted. He is completely healthy no known conditions and growth is on chart and I know that is an added benefit.

I just feel awful. No one in my family knows at the moment because I know how they will react. I have horrible anxiety that has worsened due to the pregnancy and I worry so much that I won't get to adopt him out and I will made to care for him even though I will want an adoption. I don't know who to talk too, my midwife is so indifferent and blunt and this woman I am talking to from the government seems to think that I CANT look after him, when I CAN i just know I can't as well as someone else and I need him to have the best start in life. She is talking about getting family to take over responsibility when all i want is him to have his own family.

So please can someone answer my questions regarding this.
First of all would I get the same result going through my local government rather than an adoption agency like barardos? I have tried to contact them but they haven't got back to me. I can't find many resources on pregnant woman wanting to give their child up as I know most adoption is from children getting removed from their care.

How likely is it that my child will get adopted? are there many people wanting to adopt?

How likely is it that my child will go straight to the adopter or will they be placed with a foster career until adoptive parents are found?

Will I take the baby home or will they go straight after birth to foster/adopters? I don't want to take him home as obviously emotions will be pressured however I would like to spend an hour or so with him after birth.

DPotter Fri 19-Sep-14 17:24:59

Hello Zia
My heart goes out to you - you're taking the biggest decision of your life, so far, all alone but you sound a very sensible young woman. I don't have expert up to date knowledge however I do know that there are lots of parents out there who would love to adopt your baby so have no fear that he/she would be left in foster care.
There are lots of different adoption agencies - local authority, church based and other charitiable groups. They will all question your decision - that's their job. They will have to make sure you're absolutely sure. I suggest you contact a few and see which one you feel most comfortable with.
I don't know about the current procedures following birth; I've seen adopted babies picked up from the maternity ward and I've seen them go into foster care.
I'm sure someone with more information will be along soon. Take care

WeAreEternal Fri 19-Sep-14 18:03:22

You are very brave and I will share my own experiences and try and answer your questions.

SS are not trying to pressure you, they just want to make sure that you are making the right decision and that you know you can change your mind if you want to.
They have to ask about family first as it would be the easiest option.
It is their job to make sure you know all of the options and are clear on everything.

To answer your questions,

How likely is it that my child will get adopted? are there many people wanting to adopt?

There are lots of people waiting to adopt, I am 100% certain that your baby will be adopted.

How likely is it that my child will go straight to the adopter or will they be placed with a foster career until adoptive parents are found?

Legally they have to wait six weeks before your parental rights can be terminated and the adoption process can be started, so you baby will go to a foster family for at least six weeks.

Will I take the baby home or will they go straight after birth to foster/adopters? I don't want to take him home as obviously emotions will be pressured however I would like to spend an hour or so with him after birth.

If you decide to give him up they will give you an opportunity to spend time with him and when you are ready to sign the paperwork he will be taken to his foster family, they would never make you take him home if you are certain you want to give him up. Everything is done on your terms when you are ready.

My personal experience of the process is that when the baby is born you will have the option to spend time with him or if you would rather not see him they will take him straight to another room, you will both stay in hospital for 24 hours and the social worker will come and have a chat with you and check you still want to give him up, and then you will sign a section 20 which is a voluntary care order, and gives them permission to take your baby into care.
You will be given many opportunities to spend time with him while in hospital if you want to.
He will then be taken to a foster family who specifically care for newborns and you will be able to go home.
Legally they have to allow you six weeks to change your mind, so in this time you will meet with the social worker and be given the opportunity to see him and to have any counselling you need.
If after the six weeks you still want him to be adopted you will then legally be able to have you parental rights terminated and they will start the adoption process.
Often by that point they already have potential parents in mind, but sometimes it can take up to 12 months for the baby to go to his forever family.

If you know what you want then make it clear to them. Whatever you decided will be the right decision.

I hope that helps, if you need to chat feel free to send me a message.
Good luck.

Lilka Fri 19-Sep-14 18:06:03

First of all <<hugs>> I am sorry you are going through this thanks

I will try and explain as much of the adotion process as I can and answer your questions - please forgive me the length as well

Can I ask, is anyone supporting you? Do you have friends around you, or anyone to be a listening ear, a hand hold? You deserve lots of support at such a difficult time. If you don't or you want more, can your GP or anyone point you in the direction of extra support, or a counsellor? There is an adoption organisation called After Adoption who can support and talk to birth parents, they might be worth calling.

Adoption has a certain process and rules, which has to be followed, and I don't know how much the SW has discussed with you, so also please forgive me if I repeat what you've already been told

The first thing is that within the whole family court and care system, it is a guiding principle (though much more complex in reality) that children who can't live with their mothers (or whose mother choose to have them adopted) are best served by remaining with their extended birth family. Adoption is down the list as the next best option if there is no family option. That's why the social worker is asking you if anyone in your family would be able to care for your baby, because social services are supposed to look at family first. No one can or will make you personally parent your baby though, and if after birth you still don't prefer to do that, everyone should respect that.

In the UK, only the state, via local authorities, can take children in care (including voluntary care). Voluntary/independent agencies like Barnados, can recruit and approve adoptive parent, but they don't actually have children in their custody, their adopters adopt children from local authorities. Because of this, you can't go through an independent agency, only a local authority/council.

Once your baby is born, you don't have to take them home. It's up to you how much time you spend with your baby, and it's something you can put in a birth plan, so the midwives at the hospital understand what's happening. Talk to your midwife about what you would like to happen after birth, and getting it written down if you want. You can still change your mind later on about what you want to do

Once your baby is ready to be discharged, a social worker will take baby to a foster home. The law in the UK is that a child can only be placed with adoptive parents with either signed consent forms from the birth parent/s, or a legal order which is used when birth parents don't agree with adoption. The law also says that consent forms to adoption can never be signed before a baby is 6 weeks old. That's why your social worker is talking about 6 weeks. Your baby has to be placed with someone approved to foster until you have given social services legal authority to place them with an adoptive only family.

You are free to change your mind for a while after your baby is born. Even after you sign consent forms, which has to be after 6 weeks. The consent forms aren't irrevoacable. Quite often, people do feel very differently after birth, though of course some people feel the same.

After the forms are signed, the sw's will look for an adoptive family. I can say for certain that there are many many families approved to adopt young children, and if your baby is healthy they will definitely be found a home. You can express a preference for a certain kind of family, especially about religion and family structure. No one can guaruntee that a family will be found who are 'perfect' but if your preferences are common in adoptive families (eg. a two parent christian or non-religious family) it's very likely a family will be be found who match what you want.

The time to move a baby from foster home to adoptive home does take some time, because there is a process the adopters go through that always takes weeks, usually at least 8 weeks. It's possible your baby could be placed with adopters as early as 3/4 months, but it may well also take a few months longer.

Even after placement, you have time to change your mind - until the parent/s files papers with the court, which they can't do for at least 10 weeks

I would say that adoption is such a final and permanent thing that it's not something to go into with doubts. If you find yourself doubting after the birth, then pause the process and don't sign forms just yet.

An adoption won't be legally complete for quite a while - I would say 5 or 6 months absolute minimum after placement with adoptive parents. You don't have to be legally involved after signing forms if you don't want to be.

I hope that is helpful x

Lilka Fri 19-Sep-14 18:07:22

I meant to type thanks not 'thanks' in url, I'm really sorry about that!

zia11 Fri 19-Sep-14 18:46:28

Thankyou everyone for your replies, they are all very helpful and informative and have help put my mind at ease. I would just like to reiterate that I am not being pressured in to the choice at all its my own choice 100% and equally I don't want to be pressured in to keeping the baby (from family members etc) as I know people have different views on adoption but I genuinely feel like right now I am not in a position to care for the baby like he deserves. I understand there's a lot of mums in a much worse position for me but this is the correct and least selfish choice in my opinion. I understand it may be hard after the adoption and I am willing to bare that and do what ever needs be to overcome it. I also know that I may change my mind, I am trying to avoid being naive by saying I will 100% opt for adoption as I don't know for sure how I will feel when the baby is here. Right now I would like to sort the process out because currently I am wanting an adoption but I am glad nothing is finalized for a few months after.

I just kind of wish the process was more like the American one. It seems so complex and hard over here and are birth mothers WILLINGLY giving up babies often un heard of? I know most adoptions come through the child being removed from their care because of issues and I don't here much on mothers who want to voluntarily give the baby up so I feel a bit like the odd one out. I wish it was as easy as the US process and choose an adoptive family before I give birth, that would be a dream.

I haven't got a social worker at the moment. I haven't told my midwife either but will be soon. Im not sure who the lady is that I am talking to now I think she must be an adoption worker for the council, she wants to meet me so im sure she will put me in contact with a social worker either that or my midwife will. She has also recently contacted me explaining the process more in depth and says that if there are any people wanting to adopt that are also foster careers then he will be put in to there care and if not then he will spend the 6 weeks in foster care and then I will be asked if I want to look at the adopters available.

At the moment I have only told the babies father (who is completely indifferent and we have withdrawn from contact) and a close friend. Family does not know and I sort of want it to stay that way. I am not showing at all really and I know that I probably will do. I am at uni and moving out soon in to shared so I will be away from them a lot (i am at the uni in my hometown but moving in to shared with a friend in the same town) I am legally an adult and I hope this means I will not have to tell my family if I do not want to or will I get made too? I know I can be advised too and told its for the best but legally do I have to inform family? My family are terribly judgemental and will more than likely resent me if I kept the baby but taunt me for the rest of my life if I give it up. I don't want them to have any involvement especially not my mum. My mum and I do not get on, I actually live with my grandparents who are both very elderly and old fashioned, they psychically wouldn't be able to look after a baby anyway but they would get extremely angry (as they did when my sister had her first and she was married!) I just can't and do not want to tell anyone and need reassurance that I wont be made too. My mum also has 4 young children (the youngest 2) so even if we did get on she could not cope looking after them juggling a demanding career as well as a newborn seeing as shes recently just got divorced.

My baby is also mixed race (white mixed with black Caribbean) which I feel might make him harder to place with a family seeing as many white couples may prefer an all white baby? I might be incorrect but if I was adopting and had a white partner in my opinion I would prefer a white baby too and I don't know if other white couples would share this view? In terms of who the baby goes too I don't mind too much as long as they are happy financially and emotionally stable. Don't really have any preferences on race sexuality age or religon.

At the moment my only support is from my friend. I know people may feel like this isn't enough and thats why im worried im going to be forced in to telling my family, I feel strong enough to deal with it though and will take advantage of counseling after if needs be.

Do you also know if the father must provide his permission? The woman that I was talking too said he needs to be contacted. Is this for sure the case? We haven't talked in over a month and he threatened me with violence a lot, I never pursued it to the police though but really don't want to get involved with him again. He honestly won't care if I choose adoption or to keep him as long as hes not involved he couldn't care less.

Again thanks for everyones support and advice xx

zia11 Fri 19-Sep-14 19:07:54

Also does anyone know if its okay for me to buy him things? I didn't want him to go without, I know he will be clothed after he leaves me in to foster care but I imagine its pretty basic although I could be wrong. I brought him about a bags worth of nice clothing as well as a few bits for me to take in to hospital (a teddy, a few vests and sleep suits and a blanket) I am hoping they let me give the fosters/adopters the bag of stuff I got him when he leaves. However, if he goes with adopter fosterers I understand they may want him to have all fresh things that they have brought but just don't want him to go without so brought them incase. Obviously I know I don't have to buy pushchair/cot etc

WeAreEternal Fri 19-Sep-14 19:16:55

You will absolutely not be forced to tell anyone.

When I mentioned being pressured I was referring to how you said that the person you spoke to made you feel like she was trying to make you change your mind.

There are a lot of mothers who willingly give up their babies, it is just not as publicised as adoptions in this country are closed and not like they are in America where open adoptions are very common.

Just like you there are many perspective parents out there who don't care about race, religion, sexuality, etc, they are just so desperate for a baby.
SS will try to place the baby with a family from the same background initially, so their first choice would be a mixed race couple, but if you are happy for him to go to anyone as long as they are suitable then they will look at everyone who and look for a good match.

Legally if you are not married and you do not put the fathers name on the birth certificate, which he would have to be present for, you do not need his permission.
However, the social worker will want to contact him as the the court will want some information on the father and his medical history so they can pass it on to the adoptive parents, but you won't be forced give over his information so if you really don't want to involve him you can just say you do not know who the father is or just say you don't want to say.

LurcioAgain Fri 19-Sep-14 19:17:02

I wish there was such a thing as "open adoption" in this country as there is in the US where the birth mother can stay in touch.

Legally, you're over 18, it is none of your family's business. You do not have to tell them anything, they have no right to ask and no right to be informed of your actions by third parties.

Suggest you post on the legal section of mumsnet wrt. to the father's rights (if he has any) - I haven't a clue how that would work.

But it does sound like you're massively alone with this enormous decision. At the very least I suggest you go along to student health and try to arrange some counselling. And consider the possibility that you may (I stress may: you sound like you have really thought this through a lot) be suffering from ante natal depression. I had a couple of episodes of this, and then PND, and one of the things I had with PND (I'm a single mother, went through pregnancy alone) was a conviction that I couldn't be a decent mother and my son would be much better off with a "real family" and two parents. Now this was not true, it was the depression talking. I'm not saying the same is happening with you, but at least explore the possibility with a counsellor before making such a huge and irreversible decision.

WeAreEternal Fri 19-Sep-14 19:29:52

You can buy him anything you want and they will be happy to take anything you buy with him to the foster parents with him. buying him some nice clothes and teddies are a really lovely idea, he will be able to keep them when he goes to his adoptive parents they will be able to keep them for him and when he grown up he will have them and know that his birth mum gave him those things and that you loved him and cared.

foster families usually have their own big stock of things that they buy with money given to them to buy necessary baby items. The stuff is also usually good quality things as they buy the things to last, just in case you were worried about him being in cheap clothes and equipment.

Terrierterror Fri 19-Sep-14 19:37:18

They will look to place the baby with your extended family, so surely they'll have to tell them!

fasparent Fri 19-Sep-14 19:41:08

Open adoption worked out well for our dd.
Would take things very slowly look at all options with care.
Can contact LA and Adoption agency's too discus Open Adoption here in the UK, it is possible in the UK. Can Google " Open Adoption UK too get a better perspective and information.

WeAreEternal Fri 19-Sep-14 19:45:18

Not if that is not what Zia wants.

They will only look into that if Zia agrees, if she does not want that option even looked into then it wont be. The choice is entirely up to Zia

WeAreEternal Fri 19-Sep-14 20:01:46

Open adoptions are possible in the uk, however, they are not legally enforceable, so once the adoptive parents become the legal parents of the baby they can do whatever they want and there is nothing to stop them from cutting all contact without any reason or explanation if they choose to.
Which is why open adoptions are not popular or usually advised in the UK.

Barbadosgirl Fri 19-Sep-14 20:16:12

Zia, my heart goes out to you and you have received a lot of wise words on this page. I just thought I would comment on the point you made about your baby's ethnicity. Your baby will have a social worker who will have the job of finding your baby his forever family. Those social workers will probably try to find your baby parents who reflect his ethnicity in the first instance and there are dual heritage adopters out there (My husband and I are dual heritage and have just adopted a dual heritage baby). However, there are also some white families who adopt children of other ethnicities and there are a lot of adopters who want to adopt healthy babies.

On a personal note, my son's birth mother bought him some things and his birth grandmother also knitted some things for him. His foster carer looked after these very carefully and put them in a box and gave them to us. We are preserving these very carefully. One of the cuddly toys and blankets are in his cot (as they were at FC). We are treating these as very special and he will have them all when older. I just thought it might help you to know that adopters like us tend to take these things very seriously.

I wish you the best of luck with everything and hope you get the support you need and deserve x

FishWithABicycle Fri 19-Sep-14 20:24:06

Depending on where in the country you are, having your baby fostered by the same people who will eventually adopt him or her is possible. See this booklet for some more info, and get things in motion with social services asap. 'Concurrent planning' with a voluntary surrendering is a huge risk for the fosterer/adopters because at any point during the 6 week legal waiting period you could change your mind and take your baby back. They have to accept the risk of that heartbreak - and to my mind it is better that adults accept that risk in a fully informed and consenting context rather than protect against that risk by subjecting an innocent and uncomprehending baby to the certainty of a change of primary carer when an adoption is agreed.

You sound very level-headed and intelligent. I think you've got a good chance of persuading the relevant authorities that this route is in the best interests of the child, if you stick to your guns.

Caramelkate Fri 19-Sep-14 20:32:01

Hi, I'm a foster carer I have looked after a few relinquished baby and they have all been adopted very quickly if their mums have not taken the baby back - about half of mine have changed their minds in the 6 week period, even if they were adamant they wouldn't- so don't be surprised if you change your mind about things.

You can buy whatever you want for the baby, and visit while it is in foster care if you want to. You will keep parental responsibility until it is adopted, so will know what happens, and there are regular reviews where you can ask questions. The best gift you can give your baby, is to give as much information as possible, either to the SW or in written form, so your baby can understand about you as they grow up.

It's a very difficult and admirable thing to do. No one in social care will be judging you, but they will want to make sure you are making the right decision.

There is a book about a relinquished baby in foster care ( the mum decides to take it home eventually) by Cathy Glass. It gives a great description of the fostering process, and the mum's feelings are explored too. It's called 'a baby's cry'. It might be a hard read but you might also find some comfort in it, maybe have a look at the cover?

Take care, and wishing you all the best x

Terrierterror Fri 19-Sep-14 20:37:06

Really WeAreEternal? How sad.

Lilka Fri 19-Sep-14 20:41:22

WeAreEternal open adoption (by letter) is the norm in the UK and it's very encouraged. The legal situation with contact is no different than in the US, believe me there are lots of US birth mothers who find themselves heartbroken with no recourse after the adoptive parents they picked for their baby reneged on their promise of contact

However most adoptive parents I've met in my 2 decades of being involved in adoption are committed to keeping contact going if possible. OP, if you want direct contact (to meet) with your baby once or twice a year post adoption, tell the SW. They will ask you themselves at some point in the process. They will almost certainly encourage you to write a letter or two a year to the adoptive family and child and receive one back, for the childs sake. Finding parents willing to meet up is not always possible, but because of your babies age and background you will find that the pool of possible parents is about as wide as it could be.

Absolutely buy whatever you like for your child. It could be precious for them one day, and nearly all families would very much welcome things from you for the child. First outfit to leave hospital in, for instance, a toy, photographs, anything. I certainly would deeply value these things

With the father, you absolutely should not have to directly talk to him at all, given his abusive behaviour. However I would say gently that your child does have a right to know who their father is. We parents tell our children their stories growing up, and birth fathers come up. If your child asks about their birth father (and they can do that quite young, I find 6-8 is quite common) what will their adoptive parents tell them? They need a basic life story. Naming him does not mean you will have to talk to him or communicate with him. SS can do that entirely themselves. If he isn't interested now, it's very doubtful he will do anything against an adoption, or be able to sustain interest for long

SS will prefer a mixed race family for your baby. There are white families who would adopt a mixed race baby, but they won't be looked at unless a mixed race family can't be found within a reasonable amount of time. If they are looked at, there still won't be any problem finding a family

WeAreEternal Fri 19-Sep-14 20:57:22

written contact (letterbox) is common with all adoptions, it is encouraged but up to the adoptive parents what information they share beyond a basic update.

When I talk about open adoption I am referring to direct contact between the adoptive parents, birth parents and the child.

I have personally been involved with more than one situation when a birth mother and the adoptive parents planned to keep in contact via the phone and email and have visits, but for whatever reason the arrangement did not work out as planned and the adoptive parents decided to cut all direct contact with the birth family.
The resulting affects on the birth mother is awful, which is why I think it is not usually an arrangement that is advised.

Italiangreyhound Fri 19-Sep-14 21:41:15

Zia I am so sorry you find yourself in this position and hope you will get the support you need in your area in real life as well as here with us.

Whatever you decide I hope you will really feel you do have choices and support could be there for you in the future, if you were to decide to keep your baby or if you have your baby adopted.

Can I ask, because I was not clear (you do not need to say, I am just curious). are you in the UK and are you from the UK? Or are you from elsewhere or living elsewhere? Not sure why I got that idea but obviously where you are will affect things and where you are from may affect if your family are close by and are supportive in the future or not etc.

You asked a few questions and I wanted to give my perspective and I may well be wrong but I wanted to respond.

I am a newbie adopter of a little boy and a birth mum to an older girl. I know a few people who have adopted and most have adopted children taken into care, although I do know two people who adopted relinquished babies.

You asked if lots of babies are given up for adoption or relinquished in Britain, it is my understanding that it is not very common and many children in adoption have been removed from families. I could be wrong but as far as I am aware this is the case in my area of home counties, UK.

I think (IMHO) lots of people who are looking to adopt in this country would be delighted to adopt a new baby. Of whatever ethnicity or racial background. But, as others have said, social workers will try and match your baby's heritage to that of the adoptive couple so the child will have the best chances for them feeling positive etc about their heritage.

I suppose in one sense the comfort you can take from this is that your baby may well be wanted by many people and social workers would most likely not have a problem finding a new home for your baby.

I would also second what others have said about preparing some special items like letters and photos and buying special things for your baby. I would say this is one big way you can show them how much you think of them. I do not mean expensive things just special little things that will be a keep sake from you. I think writing letters or even a little journal and taking photos may be very good for them to have when they are old enough to understand things better.

In terms of your baby's father and whether he has any rights to challenge the baby being relinquished for adoption I think you would need to check that out as it is a legal question. It is my understanding that in the event of a baby being relinquished for adoption and the birth father wanting to care for the baby he could request to do this. This does not mean social services would allow him to but I am just saying I think he may well have the right to request it. As you say he has not shown any interest in the baby and doesn't want to be involved then this does seem to indicate you are free to make your own choices. I only say this because of what I have heard from friends, and not to be alarming.

Also, as far as I am aware if you do not want your relatives to care for the baby, and want the baby to be adopted then you have the freedom to do this, I think. I think, IMHO, it is only in cases where children have been removed that social services try and find family members to look after the child.

Do, as others have said, ask for whatever options might be available if you do wish to maintain contact with your son.

The concurrency route where babies are fostered with a couple/individual who will later adopt them would mean that your baby did not bond with foster carers and then have to move, assuming all went ahead.

I am not sure how long after the birth you have to change your mind if decide you do want to keep your child, please do check that out so you know your rights in this area.

If anything I have said is wrong, I apologise, I am not a legal expert at all but I do know two people who have adopted relinquished babies, one quite straight forward and one more complicated. I am also sorry if my wording has been wrong. I do not mean to cause any offence in the wording I use.

You are going through a lot so please do look after yourself, eat, well, rest and make sure some people in real life are there to look after you.

All the very best.

CheerfulYank Fri 19-Sep-14 21:49:49

Oh honey.

I'm American so have no advice as things are different here, but best of luck!

zia11 Fri 19-Sep-14 22:19:55

Thanks again everyone for your detailed and informative responses all of which are very helpful. Yes I am in the UK and I am British born to British parents, I know many people would assume from my name I'm not British but I used my middle name to protect identity. About the ethnicity thing, I forgot to clarify that the babies dad is not full black he is half black Caribbean and half white British. My friends dad is mixed race and her mum is white and my friend is white just with black features (curly hair, big lips) but she is lighter than both parents, I know it can depend on genetics though so I don't know if the ethnicity thing will be an issue after all.

I understand what lurcioagain is saying about me maybe doubting my capability. I don't want to seem naive or childish and I know that very well may be the case. I however, don't think it is. Personally since I became sexually active I thought to myself if I did get pregnant then I would get an abortion, and I was very adamant on that because I knew it wasn't the right time in my life. However when faced with that I couldn't even phone the clinic up to book a talk because I was so against it. I have never had sex and not used protection ever, I was on the pill when I fell pregnant which is why it is such an awful situation because I never wanted to make this choice. I know adoption is irreversible but I would rather sort it before hand and get everything prepared so the adoption runs smoothly then get the baby back if I change my mind with in the time frame rather than decide when I give birth that I can't look after him then rush all this then.

In terms of open adoption I do not really mind, as awful as that sounds. The lady that I am in contact with at the moment says there's a yearly letter sent from adoptive parent to birth mother and vice versa and I am happy with that. I completely understand why an adoptive mother may want little contact because it can be confusing to the child especially when there not young enough to understand who each person is. I hope I will be allowed to talk to the adoptive parent before hand though so I can get to know them briefly and see there views on birth mother to child contact. I think if I had regular contact I would become more emotional whereas if it was just a yearly thing it wouldn't be so hard or confusing to him.

Yes as said I really do not want any family members however distanced to take custody of the child. I then will have to be in his life and it will be very confusing to him and I will have the constant reminder that I am not caring for my own child and instead he is a "burden" to a family member. I would rather he goes to parents that want a child opposed to my family members who will reluctantly do it out of goodwill and probably always try to blame me and make me take responsibility. I know telling them is wise so they are there for me and I am considering it but at the moment im not so sure just because I know how they will react, even if i did tell them it would likely only be my older sister. Im just really hoping no one turns up at my house out of the blue while parents are in or tries to make me tell them.

Im just confused where to go from here really. Am I doing the right thing in terms of getting the adoption sorted by meeting with the woman from the council? Will that get the process running? Also do I tell this to my midwife when I next see her? I just don't want to get in to the position where she involves a social worker and the woman from the government involves herself too that way it might get complex. I don't know im probably over thinking things just because I am a little stressed, not really sure whats going to happen and become anxious over the smallest things. I guess i'm concerned that they will try to work with me in terms of working with me to keep the baby when I am pretty set on this choice and they will try to avoid letting me do that.

zia11 Fri 19-Sep-14 22:22:38

I can contact the father is needs be but I don't think he will even be willing to talk to the social worker, he has a new girlfriend now and she does not know about this situation so its likely he will not want to say anything to anyone. Im scared that if this happens and he refuses to contact or speak to them then they will say that I can't go through with the adoption. I am also nervous that he will say that he doesn't agree (out of spite for me continuing the pregnancy) with no intention to bring the child up himself, hes just that type of person he is horrible

zia11 Fri 19-Sep-14 22:23:41

This is the email from the lady I am contacting:

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