I'm feeling really down and need to get it off my chest and see if anyone else felt this way?
We brought a baby home a few weeks ago. We love him so so much but I dont feel like his "mum". I feel like a fraud. I look at him and want to protect him but I also feel like there is a distance between us. That I am faking it so that he doesnt pick up on this.
Today I really struggled. It was hard getting him to sleep for his nap (even though he was tired) and I ended up crying outside his room afterwards feeling guilty. I feel as if because we had wanted this so long, I should be grateful for every moment when in reality there are times I cant wait for his nap time just to have a break. He is a very clingy baby, understandably from what he has been through, and I want to give him all the love, cuddles and reassurance I can but if it was his way he would be attached to me 24 hours which feels so overwhelming. Again making me feel guilty.
I feel like I am supposed to have overwhelming motherly love for him, know his every need and be grateful we got here which when I think straight I know is completely unachievable but when I'm down it gets to me.
I asked our social worker if there were any support groups with other adoptive parents but its dismissed as something not that important. I have been put in touch with one lovely adoptive parent but I dont want to rely on her. I'd really like a group to go to with others mothers in the same position. I joined a baby group today which Im sure will be nice and supportive but its not the same as talking to people who have been there and might understand these feelings with me. I feel so alone
Am I the only one who felt this way after placement? Please tell me it got better for you? When did you start to feel like a "mother"?
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
New baby but not feeling like a mum
mrsgiggles1982 · 24/06/2014 13:47
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I felt exactly the same. I remember looking at DS one morning as my husband was leaving for work at 7am ( after his two weeks adoption leave) and thinking why do I feel so miserable when I finally have the baby I've been waiting 10 years for?
He wasn't a great sleeper and was a very exhausting, already walking and climbing,10 month old little monster! I was really struggling to keep him entertained while keeping up with the household stuff.
I knew I loved him but I felt guilty for feeling disappointed that motherhood wasn't the amazing romantic thing I'd hoped it would be.
Taking him to activities helped me feel more like a mum and helped me to bond with him. I signed him up for a ducklings swim class first and gradually added on tumble tots and Jo Jingles etc. I found these sorts of groups easier than turning up at a mother and toddler group ( where I would occasionally go only to feel like a spare part)
Meeting other mums with babies of a similar age at these activities really helped me. Having these activities scheduled gave me structure to my day and wore DS out enough to make sure he had a good afternoon nap which meant I could catch up on sleep.
It does get better. It took even longer for me to bond with DD as having DS to take care of at the same time was even more exhausting and I got really quite down.
I hope you start to feel better soon and congratulations on your new baby! 
My LO has been placed recently too, and I recognise those feelings well. By the time we get to bedtime I am so desperate for her to sleep that I am doubtless conveying my stress to her, and so she's a nightmare to get settled. It's taking all the energy I have to stay "pretend calm" during the bedtimes and nights.
I was so desperate today that we skipped nap time (she was very perky, and didn't always have one in foster family as she's of an age where it's not absolutely necessary), so of course by bedtime she was over-tired and wouldn't settle for that reason instead! She is exhausting but delightful almost all day, and then I guess at night perhaps she feels her worries and sadness more, and she lets out all those feelings, which are hard to comfort, and she wakes up so often I could weep too.
If your SW can't recommend any groups, does your post-adoption support service offer a Buddy Scheme? Feel free to PM me in case we're in the same part of the world.
"You are doing brilliantly. This is a massive overwhelming adjustment, and the claustrophobic feelings get easier." (That is the text I had from my Buddy Adopter, and although I find it hard to believe about myself, I'm sure it's true about you ).
OP, this is such a normal experience, but it's so hard
With all of my kids, love took a long while. At first, we were all strangers, and it felt so strange. I brought them into my home by my choice, but sometimes it felt like they were a hostile invading force in my personal space 
It is very normal and expected for bonding and attachment to take time. Feeling protective is a great sign, and "fake it till you make it" is definitely the mantra to follow
DS was 23 months when he came home, and I class that as a baby. He was a bigger baby, but oh boy he wasn't just mobile, he was confused, had been thrown out of his environment, taken away from mummy and daddy (his FC's), had stranger lady and big scary strange girl (DD2!) instead. He was scared and withdrawn and he grieved. Oh he grieved. It was horrible. When you have a little one sobbing their heart out for parents that aren't coming back for them, it's gut wrenching.
Your LO is not just a bigger baby, your LO is also going through the confusion, anxiety and heightened stress (and once they get slightly older, real grief). YOU are going through the biggest upheaval you have ever gone through as well, and it puts a huge amount of physical and emotional stress on you.
Your feelings are very normal, and the good news is, time together is going to make it easier (but if you are crying all the time and it doesn't get better after a few weeks, go see your GP. As Kew says, depression is common after adoption).
I wonder if perhaps as an adoptive mother you are putting even more pressure on yourself than a birth mum would?
My experience as an adoptive mum and supporting other adopters, is that this is very true. Adoptive parents do tend to put themselves under a lot more pressure.
For many this is the culmination of YEARS and years of yearning for a child, and dreaming of that day you will finally have your child. Of months and months, and maybe even years, of interviews, and paperwork, and questionning and preparation. It's incredibly emotional, a rollerocaster, and it's intense. But this is the moment - this is what you've been aiming for for all this time, this is IT, and oh boy do we have expectations, however uncoscious those expectations are. We want so desperately to feel love as soon as possible. We expect that because we've been trying SO hard and been through the tough (for very good reasons) adoption process, that our dreams coming true must mean our dream will be dreamlike - with love, and a desire to spend every moment with our child, and without us sobbing or feeling nothing. We don't want to, or can't, envisage having such a tough time post adoption, or envisage ourselves not quickly falling in love with the child we so desperately wanted to parent.
I didn't come to adoption through infertility, but after 2 years of adoption process, I also expected myself to love. I didn't expect bringing home a 10 year old to be dreamlike, but I expected myself to have these emotions that didn't come. I didn't expect to find myself resenting her presence at times.
It doesn't help at all that this 'love at first site' thing is such an ingrained idea, especially when it comes to adoption. Strangers, family, friends, all may have this lovely picture in their heads of the person/couple who was desperate to experience parenthood meeting the child who needed parent/s, and voila, they met and it was instant love, la di da. But adoptive parents can pick up on this expectation, however unsaid, which just makes it worse.
And there's another reason too, I certainly felt this. And that's that we expect ourselves to be perfect for our children's sake. From day 1 of the adoption process, the backgrounds of children in care are made clear to us. As is the fact that most children may sometimes (or all the time) need different parenting than a birth child. Basically, we quickly come to know how much our possible future children may have been through, will go through, and need from parents. Hence we place an expectation on ourselves of doing and being things that aren't humanly possible. I MUST love my new 10 year old daughter soon because she deserves it, needs it, how can I not when she's been through so much? I must be able to parent the way she needs, however stressful and difficult, straight away. Because it's not fair on her if I don't. I CAN'T resent her right this second, and want a break, because damn it, I'm the adult and she's the child whose been through so much and needs me to think the exact opposite of this. We can feel like we're failing our kid if we do the minutest thing wrong, beause we're so aware of what our kids might need every second, all the time. And it's definitely not the same as with a birth child, because we are trying to parent after knowing what our children have already been through, almost trying to make up for every bad thing that ever happened, by being perfect. All the weight of the preparation and impressions of what adopted children need from their parents is pressing down on you.
So many years down the line, I no longer think this way, but I went through these feelings and stress and sobbing to get here. I now know I can't expect to love, or be superhuman. And it's painful seeing new adoptive parents going through the same as I did often.
Sorry for essay in response to such a little question 
Be interested to see if the other adoptive parents agree with me
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