Teenager visiting parents not sure what to do.

[BonesyBones]

Hi, I posted this in the teenagers section but have been advised to post it here as people may have more of an idea what to do

Hi everyone,

I'm just looking for a bit of advice really...

I'll try my best to keep a long story as short as possible.

Myself and my partner look after my 15 year old sister (we have kinship care), and have been for almost exactly a year. To say she has tested our patience is an understatement. We also have our own 6 year old who has a social communication disorder and doesn't hace a clue what is going on most of the time, and I'm due our second child anytime this fortnight.

My sister mentioned that she would like to go and visit her mum in Newcastle (we are in Scotland) at the end of July (she did visit her mum a few months ago too but prior to this they have had almost no contact at all since our parents broke up when my sister was 4 years old).

It just so happened that I found a cheap train ticket for her to be able to go this Saturday for a fortnight, so she contacted her mum and asked if she could go these dates instead. Her mum agreed, however this is where it gets complicated.

Her mum was supposed to get married on the 5th of June. There was some issue with the booking meaning she is now not getting married until the 21st of June.
Initially my sister had decided that she wasn't going to go to the wedding as her father (the man she was moved away from to live with us after years of physical/emotional abuse) was also going to be there.
Now because the date has been changed, her father is currently staying with the mother waiting for the new wedding date, meaning that if my sister goes away this Saturday she will be spending a week in the same house as him.
I've told her that although I'd rather not have any contact with either of them ever, my opinion is biased and therefore I am not willing to make a decision about whether she should go or not (her care plan states that I have to support any contact she wishes to have with her family).

My question is whether I should let her go or not? She says herself that she doesn't know, and it will be possible for her to visit next month when he won't be there, but she has now decided that she does actually want to go to the wedding, she just doesn't want to see/stay with her father, but she can't really have both.

Of course it would be easier for me to let her go this weekend, especially with baby due, and to be perfectly honest she's been so difficult recently, it would be nice to have a break. I just don't know how comfortable I can really be sending her to the person she was moved away from (even if she does want to go).

I can call her social worker in the morning but to be honest she seems very in favour of going with the flow and will probably just tell me to do whatever my sister wants, which isn't really helpful.

I guess ideally I would like to send her but have some kind of plan for what she can do if anything goes wrong, to put my mind at rest. Obviously I won't be sending her if I can't rest assured that she is safe.

I've been through the obvious ideas: open return train ticket so she can leave whenever, making sure she has credit in her phone to contact us/social work/police if need be. What I am highly concerned about is the fact that both parents can be very aggressive and may not actually let her leave if she wants to/may take her phone to prevent calls being made. As well as the fact that I can give her an open return ticket but the money I'm spending on that is the money I'd be using to keep her over the next fortnight so if she were to come back early (which would be the right thing to do if she felt unsafe) then I would be in a bit of a struggle financially for the next fortnight too...

I just don't know what to do... I have to support her seeing her family if she wishes, but also have to protect her, seems like in this situation I can't do both.

Any advice is gratefully received.

[Hels20]

I suggested posting here as thought you might get some wise advice.

So - when you say "her" mum - is that your Mum as well? I assume you have a different father to her.

My gut feel is that to see the man who was responsible for her being moved into care/to you - esp if you worry that her parents might manipulate her - is perhaps too soon. 15 years old is a very vulnerable age (and perhaps why adoptees can't have access to their adoption records until they are 18...)

I have a friend who's adopted daughter saw her birth mother a year ago - she was removed at 4 years old. The girl is now 10. The meeting, though in presence of social workers and her adoptive mother, had a profound effect on her and caused 6 months of turmoil.

If you want advice - I would say that your sister should not yet see her father - especially if she is not pressuring you to see them and esp because I think 15 is a particularly vulnerable age.
I think she should leave it a few years - but that is just my view and would be interested to hear what others have to say

[slkk]

My instinct is that as she is saying that she doesn't know, she is probably hoping you will not allow her to go without having to make that decision herself. Although 15 year olds seem quite grown up, they really are very young and still need us to make the decisions for them sometimes. Though again, this is just my opinion.

[disneygirl10]

I think it would be a very bad idea, it would be putting her in a very vulnerable position.

[ajandjjmum]

I have no advice, but what a lucky girl your sister is to have you.

[disneygirl10]

I agree with slkk if she is saying she doesn't know she wants you to step in and make the decision.

[Haffdonga]

Bonesy, pondering - you say she doesn't want to see her father although she wants to go to the wedding - could it actually be that she doesn't want to make the decison herself and would prefer you to take it for her? Could she feel that she can't be seen not to want to go to the wedding so she has to say she wants to go?

If you put your foot down and said no to going when her father is there but yes to her going later you would be the bad guy, of course, thats your job but she would also know you're looking after her interests and perhaps giving her a cast iron get-out excuse without losing face.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I wouldn't let her go unless I was close by to help support her. It doesn't sound like she is ready to see her dad, never mind spend lots of time with him

[FantasticButtocks]

my opinion is biased and therefore I am not willing to make a decision about whether she should go or not

but...

My question is whether I should let her go or not?

You have a dilemma right there, op. You have told her you are not willing to make the decision. But, actually, perhaps, as she is not yet an adult, you realise you may need to. Your opinion is only 'biased' in the sense that you know what these people are like.

Because of their tendency to be aggressive, I would not let your sister walk into that highly charged situation of her mother getting married and her abusive father being around her. They sound harmful and you sound as though you would like to protect her from harm. If you actually think she would benefit by going to her mother's wedding, then could you go with her? I would not send her into the lion's den alone.

[BonesyBones]

Hi again we have both the same parents I just prefer not to ackowledge that they are anything to do with me (long and complicated back story there that led to me moving out myself at 16).

Basically my sister made allegations to police regarding the abuse, she obviously couldn't stay with her father while the investigation was ongoing, but the police case was closed almost a year ago with no evidence and no charges brought against him. Social work decided that regardless of whether the accusations were true or not that my sister obviously wasn't happy to vontinue living with him and so asked me and my partner if we were willing to look after her. Of course we said yes, as to be honest I had more than my fair share of problems with the man over the years and was never happy about my sister being in his care to begin with.

So there is no legal obligation for the father to stay away from my sister at all, however social work have advised him that it's in his best interests to stay away from her (which he has).

The problem is that my sister wants to visit her mum, and wants to go to her mums wedding. Mum has seen her all of about 6 times since she was 4 years old. But she doesn't want to see or stay with her father at all. The father is currently staying with the mother awaiting the wedding (which to be honest I find a bit strange, why invite the man you left 11 years ago to your wedding, but each to their own I guess).

Like I said it's in her care plan that I have to encourage her to see her family if she so wishes. That's why I'm not really sure what to do.

Its like my sister wants some miracle solution which would allow her to go to her mums wedding without her dad which obviously isn't going to happen.

[HappySunflower]

I wouldn't let her go.

Too many 'what ifs' in my view, considering everything you've said.

[BonesyBones]

Thanks for all the advice, it would seem that me and my OH have missed something which is very obvious from the outside POV as you all seem to share the opinion that my sister must want us to make the decision for her. I suppose this is something I'm going to have to do. She seems so dead set that she wants to go to the wedding (going with her is absolutely not an option) but on the other hand if they'd gotten married on the original date they were supposed to then sis would have already missed the wedding and she certainly didn't seem bothered before.

[Hels20]

I could be totally off track here, but the reason your sister isn't being brought up by her parents (or one of them) is because of both of them. Although the father appears to have failed her massively if allegations are true, so as her mother. I think if she is to try and rebuild some sort of relationship with her mother - then it should be at a time when her mother has time and can focus and listen to your sister. Her mother' wedding surely isn't that time...

And if I was your sister, I would have huge anger issues (maybe hidden) towards her mother linked to the fact her mother failed to protect her against abuse...

I would strongly counsel your sister not to go. And you are an incredible sister to take all of this on. I don't blame you wanting a break - and although it might be right for you in the short term, I wonder if it could create longer term issues when your sister is still so young and vulnerable and everything is reasonably fresh.

What a horrid situation. Poor poor you. And your sister

[Haffdonga]

Caveat: she might not actually know that's what she wants you to do. and she certainly wont admit it Brace yourself for the fallout.

(possibly less fallout though, than the after-effects of a week in close contact with him)