Whilst coming at this as a birth parent, I wanted to post it here as I imagine the adoptive mums here have a wealth of experience of this and I wondered if I could borrow some. I'm not sure where else on MN it would fit but open to suggestions.
It's been almost 2 years since I agreed with Social Services that I could not get well enough to parent my DD, and that they then got the Adoption Order. It's a month off two years since my last drink, and the way my life has been rebuilt since then has been amazing. I believe in God, and that in his mercy I recovered from where I was. I have recovered physically really well from my injuries with another 3 major surgeries over the last 9 months. I got married 6 months ago, and am really happy in my marriage. I've had almost a year of hard but healing counselling. I go back to work in a few weeks to the same professional job I held before my alcoholism really took hold 3 years ago.
And... I never expected to be this well and this able to live my own life again.
But I still long. I long for DD ... daily. I can live with the awful unbearable pain that it all causes, because of the counselling. I am involved with my friends children, sometimes look after them by myself (which boosts my self-esteem immeasurably).
I long for my daughter, but I know that can't be, for years, if ever.
And I long for a child. Not to replace her - she is utterly irreplaceable.
I'm early/mid thirties and so I've got the best part of a decade to deal with this. The longing for a child, for a family. The impact of subsequent birth children that remain with the birth parent on the adopted child is mentioned briefly, and negatively, in 'Primal Wound', and I would put DD's needs before my own, however painful - I managed to do it before, sick and lost and scared, so I can do it now, in this better, balanced place. I don't know if I could handle battling Social Services anyway - it's no surprise I got sober as soon as they were no longer part of my life (Placement Order and my last drink are 9 days apart).
My DH has 3 adult children - he's 50 - and he's done his raising children years.
There are many good reasons that I can't have any more children. The only reason I don't have, to my knowledge, is infertility. So the longing will go on, it will come in seasons I'm sure, I have to make myself remember when I have lie ins and nights out and coughs and colds that all these things are harder if not impossible with a child.
So, living with the longing.
How do you do it - if you are able to share any experiences I'd be really grateful. I assume I just get on with my life - but talk about it. At least, that's what I'm doing so far.
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Dealing with longing
11 replies
LittleMissDisorganized · 27/05/2014 14:05
OP posts:
MyFeetAreCold ·
27/05/2014 14:44
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Sharon09108 ·
02/06/2014 21:47
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