Can we have a new thread about irritating people?

[Devora]

Me, my kids, on the bus.

Random stranger: Where she from? [indicating dd2]
Me: I beg your pardon?
RS: She from Africa? What do you call her - half caste?
Me [flummoxed]: Er, she's dual heritage yes.
RS: Where from then? Africa?
dd2: I'm not from Japan!
Me: Um, no, from Jamaica [kicks self for engaging]
RS: My son is her age, he's half caste, but he's much whiter than her. Lovely pale skin.
Me: [speechless with anger]
dd2: I'm not from Japan!
Me [desperately trying to assert control over situation): That's right, dd, we're lots of different things in our family but none of us are Japanese.
RS: She adopted?
dd2: Yes, I'm adopted.
Me: I'm not being rude, but-
RS [interrupting, indicating dd1]: She your real daughter?
Me: They're both my real daughters. I am their real mum. And here's our bus stop. Goodbye, Random Stranger.

I handled it so badly - really weakly. Spent the walk home devising good lines to take with the girls: "I'm sorry but that's private", or just "Ask my mum". But I still find it a real struggle when strangers launch in like this: I find it so very hard to appear rude, even though I know I'm not.

But why on earth does anyone imagine this kind of conversation is appropriate? And on the bus? And in a very loud voice so everyone else listens in?

[BeingAMummyIsFabulous]

I am totally amazed by this and disgusted at how rude and tackless people can be. I thought you handled this very well considering the constant bombardment of rude intrusive questions. I cannot believe still that people do not know when to be quiet and keep opinions to themselves. I do hope your two DDs are not affected by this. I would have acted no differently to how you did under the circumstance.

[Lilka]

Unbelievable, and totally unacceptable

Sending much , , sympathy and a hug if you want one. What a horrid experience

Also, who even says "half-caste" any more?? People who think "lovely pale skin" is better than lovely dark skin, clearly

It's really hard to handle these situations sometimes, don't beat yourself up about this. Your last answer to her was great! You can practice certain lines just in case but it's not the same as being put on the spot

On the intrusive "where's she from" question, what would you think to answering:

"Where's she from?"
"She's from London (or her county of birth if it wasn't London)"

you can say this in a polite and friendly voice (or not, as you please!) and then refuse to answer in any more detail. You can act bemused if necessary. It's a true answer but avoids engaging on anything more than a very superficial level

[ScarlettSahara]

Hi OP. What a crass random stranger who probably did not intend to cause distress and whose brain does not check what comes out of the mouth! I agree with being a mummy you handled it far better than you think. Well done!

[ScarlettSahara]

Good suggestions there Lilka

[Italiangreyhound]

Devora I am gob-smacked!! On just about every level so offensive. I know it is so easy to say later but I think I would pretend I could hear my phone ringing and just say, 'oh I've got to take this call!' I know it is cowardly but short of saying 'F off you loon' I am not sure what else to say! I guess better to stop it early on...

RS: She from Africa? What do you call her - half caste?
Me: She's from here
or

RS: She from Africa? What do you call her - half caste?
Me: Where are you from?

Let's not spend the whole journey talking about me!

Or claiming a blocked ear -I can't hear a thing today!

[Italiangreyhound]

Devora, sorry I just realised I copied that offensive comment out twice in my post, apologies! I do think you handled it well.

I just thought the blocked ear and phone idea might work too! My father once used a glasses cases as a pretend walkie talkie when driving to 'psych out' a bad driver and make them think he was a police officer! I am just into my props!

[prumarth]

God! Why, why, why would anyone think that's an appropriate conversation? I'm not sure you can ever anticipate and therefore answer downright rudeness like this. Frankly the only response is "you are a knob"!

[LastingLight]

Oh no Devora, I can't believe how insensitive people can be! I also think you handled it well under the circumstances. Another possible reply could be "How interesting that you think you have the right to ask that question".

[combusti]

No surprises- there are people like this everywhere. OP you are right- you shouldn't have engaged.

[RhinosAreFatUnicorns]

How insensitive can people be. I honestly don't know whether they think that is acceptable, or their brain just doesn't engage with their mouth.

I think you did handle it really well actually.

[OurMiracle1106]

Real daughter? They are your real child (and this is coming from a birth mum)

I think she was very very rude tbh.

[Polkadotpatty]

Wow. Just wow. I am offering a less polite option than the above nicer posters:

Me to DDs: do you remember how we discussed not talking to strangers / always being kind to other people? (I would continue along these lines Very Loudly ignoring the random idiot and shaming them as far as is possible. It probably wouldn't sink in to the random, but it means your fabulous DSs hear your voice instead, and so does everyone else on the bus.)

Hugs to you, it sounds hideous.

[CateBlanket]

Have a Dd adopted from overseas so I feel your pain. After much trial and error, I've come to realisation that there is no point being rude or sarcastic because our children pick up on this and can start to feel as though there is something wrong with them because of the way we respond rather than the Random Stranger's question.

So if a RS asks me where DD is from, I will give the name of the city closest to our village because that's where DD feels she belongs. I have cultivated a pleasant tone and brief smile which manages to convey that the conversation ends there. Practice in front of the mirror!

If RS asks if she is adopted, I reply "she's my daughter". No further engagement.

DD is 8 and I've discussed this with her; she doesn't want to respond to RS herself and is happy with my brief replies and knows that if the time comes when she doesn't want me to even give that much info, I will be happy to tell RS "that's a personal question".

[TulipsfromAmsterdam]

Some people are just stupid and she sounds like one of them. She probably got of that bus and never gave the conversation another thought while you are left thinking about how you should have handled it differently and will for a while.
I have been in similar position when we were fostering our ds before we adopted. A nosy cow asked if ds was mine and as we knew he would be soon just said yes, she looked at me then said he must have been a suprise, how old are you. As a mature mum I found myself answering her honestly and then spent days angrily wondering why I even responded! Probably because we were in a lift so didnt want to be rude unlike her.....

[fasparent]

Had two problems DS when too school in dreadlock's, sent home with letter from governor ( was tory MP letter written on Parliamentary note paper) too the effect that he was brought up in the UK his cultural hair style was in breach of school policy. We took it to race relations who ruled school was institutional racist. Thing is we knew the care and attention required by him for his hair style would be short lived, and would be his choice.

DD had problems with name calling off students , came home asked for a
ATLAS. Took it into school and gave a class assembly Geography lesson
as too where Pakistan and Jamaica were positioned and their cultures, she is very academic and no one's fool. Never had any problems from then on. Is now a Charted accountant

[Barbadosgirl]

People actually scare me with their ignorance. It does worry me a bit how I will deal with it (I am white and my husband is black and my terror of people being racist or inappropriate with my future children began long before our adoption journey). When people say these things I sort of go into a 40 second delay because my brain cannot compute what I am hearing. A client once told me that the reason his tenant was being so difficult was because he was black and even "blacks did not want to rent to blacks, it said so on that BBC documentary". I just spluttered ineffectually. Lame, I know but I don't think my mind could accept that someone was actually saying something so utterly outrageous. I am usually known for my sharp retorts but there is something about that kind of talk which makes my blood run cold and stops me in my tracks. Nice tips from this thread. I like the point that you want to be no nonsense and brief in your responses without upsetting your children. My other fear is I will lose it completely and give them the full weight of my usual instinct to generally lambast and be withering!

[Barbadosgirl]

Ps- half caste?!!!?!!!

[Kewcumber]

DS was once asked when he was 3 by RS "Where are you from?"

"Kew"

She looked quizzically at me and I smiled and said nothing.

I find "why do you ask" works on many levels but to be honest she sounds so stubbornly rude and thick I think probably there are only two ways of dealing with people like, though both require props:

a) wet fished applied sharply to the back of the head
b) a blanket draped gently over someones head as they're talking does tend to shut them up - I gather it works with budgies too probably because they have similar brain power.

I would have been tempted to not answer her but instead to say to one of both of your girls - "Do you want to discuss this with this stranger or is it something we should keep private?"

I have often been caught out but try to practice my response afterwards because you just know it will happen again sooner or later.

[Devora]

She was black, Barbadosgirl (btw my other half is Bajan). Which shouldn't make it harder but it does.

Thanks for excellent advice and much-appreciated sympathy, everyone. It is of course doubly hard when dc are there because it is of course even harder for them to work out how to respond. So dd said she was adopted, and I couldn't then find a way of closing that down without implying she should keep it a secret. But she was upset when we got off the bus: not so much by the adoption thing, but by the woman trying to guess her ethnic origin. She said, "I didn't like the lady asking where I was from." She's only 4, FFS. I hate it how often my kids are put in the position of explaining how they can be sisters when they've got different colour skin, how can two women have babies, why didn't dd2's mum want her etc etc. Other children I can understand (or rather, try to force myself to understand); adults I could cheerfully murder.

[Barbadosgirl]

Note to self: ensure always carry wet fish in bag for slappage. Love it!

Ah, Devora, lovely to have a Bajan other half, no? I feel like I have been given this lovely gift of a second home and culture as well as an awesome husband.

Sorry to hear your children got upset. I just wish people understood the effect of the things they say!

[CateBlanket]

Debora - have you heard about the Wise Up work book/course to help adopted children work through their feelings and chose their responses?

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

It's so hard to think of a response when your brain is going 'is this person actually SAYING this?' One of DH's colleagues used the 'n' word a few months ago and he had to go and speak to him afterwards because at the time he was just gobsmacked and couldn't react. Don't beat yourself up because of her rudeness.

And in answer to your thread title, yes, let's do that because I am telling MIL this week :)

[KristinaM]

Devora , you need to do the wise course

LOL at " we are lots of things in our family but none of them is Japanese " . So true ....

[TheLastThneed]

People can be so bloody rude and thoughtless sometimes...