Ex-partners

[nervouslurker]

I've been lurking here for a while, and been considering adoption for a while (years), and have just got to a place where I've sent an inquiry, and need to phone the social worker back.

But... I've just read on AIBU that ex-partners are approached as part of the assessment process. I am a domestic abuse survivor, and have a 6 year old child from that relationship. I left the relationship when I realized the effect it would have on my child. I have no contact beyond email with my ex. He lies, and is generally not very nice. He once made a malicious report to SS (which was immediately discounted, and closed, as was an obvious lie!), saying I was physically abusing, and/or (he changed the story with each person he spoke to!) neglecting my child. SS quickly threw this out, and were lovely, and said they get this all the time with DA, and it's just the DA. It was many years ago now.

If they contact my ex, he will be obstructive, malicious, and TBH, I can't face him even knowing about this.

Is he still in control of my life? Shall I give up now? Feel devastated.

[LineRunner]

I've often wondered this.

[Lilka]

He can't change whether or not you can adopt. Social workers who visit ex partners are pretty good at spotting genuine honest people from malicious liars, and they are well aware that some ex-partners are obstructive for no reason

Explain all this to social services and your concerns. They may well choose not contact him at all if he has a previous history of lying to them and violence etc, it's certainly not a given that they always contact ex partners if there are valid reasons not to do it

[Lilka]

In fact I'm pretty sure I saw a post, either on here or another forum quite recently where an adopting mother said her ex hadn't been contacted because of domestic violence issues on his part

[LineRunner]

That's good to know. The thought of my ex having anything ever to do with my potential future is scary.

[nervouslurker]

There are no police reports.

I took it. Then I realized I had something(one) to live for, and to protect, and I left with my baby.

So, all that's 'provable' is the SS report, where he says I abuse my child. (I really don't, and when I mentioned adoption to a friend, she said that I'm a great mum. In fact, I can get plenty of people saying I'm a good mum, only he would say I'm not! But if it's his opinion they especially want?)

[Lilka]

What SS want is an insight into your previous relationship, and if applicable, your parenting, from a previous significant partner. They want to know if you have a record of violence or abuse they don't know about (and not malicious stuff, but verifiable things). They don't want to know that an ex-partner thinks adopting is stupid, and they aren't looking for their permission for you to adopt. They also don't want to be lied to, they don't want to be wasting their time.

If there is a documented report made by him to SS, which was quickly and simply dismissed by them as malicious, then I can't see how they would think it worth their while to contact him now, given he's almost certainly going to lie to them. I'm not a SW and I can't know for sure, but I would think that with you explaining this all to them, there's a high likelihood they would not be contacting him

[nervouslurker]

I'll ring the social worker. But, I don't think I can deal with the aftermath of him knowing I would be trying to adopt. He'll try and stop it because he can (has past form for doing this), and use it against me. I have to let sleeping dogs lie as far as he's concerned.

I am lucky to have one child, and should count my blessings. I cannot emotionally rake anything up with him.

[Lilka]

Hope the phone call goes well. He can't stop you adopting

[Lilka]

Oh, and welcome to the board

Hope you find it helpful, feel free to ask anything anytime, or have a rant, celebrate, whatever you like

[allthingswillpass]

I have no experience of your situation but have been through the adoption process and successfully adopted.
I would say to be honest with SW's from the outset about your experiences with this ex partner and all will turn out well in the end.
We all have a past, it moulds us and makes us the people we are and makes us more able to parent in the face of adversity.
Go for it!

[nervouslurker]

Thank you for the welcome! Thank you for all the useful stuff on here for someone at the beginning!

Plenty of people can give insight into my previous relationship, and my parenting! I could not say that any of my friends would give insight without using many four letter words to describe him, and that they wished I'd only left him earlier... I think almost everyone who knows us would be complimentary about my parenting, although I am human, and not perfect.

The whole idea they would contact him has made me feel sick. I thought it was over, and dusted, and applying to adopt is something I only feel ready to do now I'm really past it all. I don't want to drag it up again, ever.

I'm terrified generally, of the whole thing, of someone looking at my home, my finances, of whether it's going to be a positive or negative experience for my 6 year old, whether I could live with myself if I don't share our fun, loving family life with a child who needs a family. Whether I could love another child as much as I love my BC (I remember being scared of loving a child when pregnant, though, and it's the same fear, so I'm assuming that just happens, and it took a good few weeks to fall in love with by BC, so I'm used to waiting for a growth of love, too). Scared that I'll end up cooking chicken nuggets for a month to get the child to eat, when we hate chicken! But this would be a fear too far.

[Lilka]

The home study itself IS very thorough and in depth. However, from my perspective as an adopter, it was not a bad experience. Mostly because of my social workers, who were professional, friendly, experienced and made me feel at ease.

It helped me to understand that there's a reason for them doing everything that they do - for instance, the reason they talk to ex-partners is that years ago, a foster father (I think it was a foster case not an adoption case, based on a news article I found) was responsible for the death of a child in his care. The thing is, he had a history of domestic violence and if social services had interviewed his ex partner, she would have told them that he was a violent man, and the whole tragedy could potentially have been prevented. So social services see the ex partner checking as a possible safeguard against such a thing happening again (although as i said they are very aware of malicious ex partners and won't visit exes in exceptional circumstances)

Being nervous about loving a child, about your BC's welfare...these are normal fears. Adoption is a big step into the unknown after all

When it comes to your home being looked around, can I ask why it is you are terrified? Do you worry about the social workers reaction? Are you a private person generally and struggling with the idea of sharing a lot of information with a social worker? Etc. Because the homestudy is an in depth process, I think it can help to think ahead and think through what you are likely to be asked. Also to know that people come to adoption from all backgrounds and they aren't looking for perfection.

[nervouslurker]

I'm very proud of my home, and feel I've come through a lot to get here. But what if they say it's not good enough? I can't think of anything to criticise about it, and the SS report from before described it as well kept, and was complimentary. (Although, as an unannounced visit, I think they must have low standards- the hoovering certainly needed doing when they came!)

I am a very private person, particularly financially (which was a huge thing in my favour when I had to leave my ex- he thought he could force me to stay financially- I had a savings account he didn't know about).

The other thing which worries me, is SS last time said I should go to a battered wives group (my name for it)- I could think of nothing worse, and never went, although I have had some support from Women's Aid since. Will they judge me for not taking their advice, even though I wouldn't have attended due to work, anyway, and I don't think it would have done me much good?

[Polkadotpatty]

I think your decision to do what was best for you and your child, and your careful choice to seek advice from the place that suited you best, are both huge things in your favour! They will look for things that show you're able to reflect on the past, and build resilience from bad experiences. All things you seem more than able to demonstrate, based on your posts

Please don't worry about your house; I'm sure it's lovely, and a good family home. Also, although the discussions with your social worker during the home study part of the process are indeed pretty detailed, it's not all at once. You have time to prepare and build trust with your SW and although I'm quite private, I didn't find the questions intrusive or uncomfortable. Good luck with your plans!

[nervouslurker]

SW at agencies have appeared positive, esp as I have proof he is malicious.

However, apparently for the prep for BC, they need everyone with PR to consent. No prep for BC, no go (with this agency.) They're looking in to it, but there is no way my ex will consent, if he thinks it'll make my life a bit difficult. I don't even need his consent for medical procedures! (One parent with PR is enough, if they agree with the doctors.)