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childrens profiles

(12 Posts)
prumarth Fri 04-Apr-14 17:08:03

I know this will be very subjective, but I wondered if any of you had experienced receiving more than one profile that met your circumstances. How did you cope with the emotions that making a choice creates? We have been shown 2 profiles - one we have had for nearly a month but hasn't progressed due to holidays with the adoption team. Today we have been offered another profile which needs a quick decision (Monday), and we've been told we need to commit to one. We are not the only couple being approached for either. I feel all over the place, bit sick, upset. Rushed out and bought cream egg, pizza and wine then realised talking through with the lovely posters here might be more constructive (still going to have the pizza and wine - cream egg long gone).
In all honesty, feel shaky and upset. Partly we have been absorbing profile 1 into our minds for so long, feels like a betrayal to look at another but we are 1 of at least 5 couples in the pipeline. Wish DH would get home soon.

Happiestinwellybobs Fri 04-Apr-14 17:17:21

Oh I am not sure I have any advice. I haven't been in your shoes having being shown one profile who we said yes to after a long weekend of discussion, but what a situation to be in. And I wonder why you have been told you have to commit to one.

Do you feel that either profile is a suitable match? Remember you have to do what is right for you. Unfortunately at this stage however our emotions rule us. I found it really difficult to be practical about the profile we saw. I wanted to say yes immediately. Thankfully DH is a sensible soul.

If you say no to one (or both of them) then someone else will most likely say yes. Especially if they are approaching others (is that normal to do that?) Is there a gut feel that one profile is a better fit than the other, or that one child's needs are more manageable for you?

It is such an emotional part of the process, so wishing you the best of luck. I would start on the wine soon too smile

MyFeetAreCold Fri 04-Apr-14 17:25:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fusedog Fri 04-Apr-14 17:31:20

Yes I was just going to say that you can say no to nothing personally I think there's much to say for going with your gut.

KristinaM Fri 04-Apr-14 17:39:14

Pragmatic answer - say yes to the one that needs an answer by Monday. The fact they need a quick answer implies that they are going to matching panel with that child soon, or at least trying to whittle down to one family.

If you get rejected at this point, them go back to the first child . If they have done nothing for a month, they obviously are not in any hurry.

As an aside, I have never heard of a profession who get so many holiday and go on so many courses. Why would everyone on a team be allowed to have holidays in the same month? I don't know of any other business where it would be acceptable to tell clients that everything stops for weeks on end. They also do it from mid June to end august and early December to mid January. Why is there one third of the year when it's accepted that no work is done ???? We run a very small business and provide a service to clients 24/7, 365 days a year.

KristinaM Fri 04-Apr-14 17:54:38

Logical answer -evaluate both profiles logically. Rank all your criteria and score them against it . So thing that are deal breakers for you get more weight than " desirables " . Do it on paper or a spreadsheet. Try to be factual and non emotional .

Remember you are not scoring the children -you are just looking at the information In a document. And the whole point of matching is to make sure , as much as you can, that you get a child whose needs you can meet. It's child centered.

If you do it this way, don't tell anyone in RL that you have done so, especially SW and non adopters . People cherish romantic ideas about the process and want it all to be " love at first sight " . In fact of course it's agonising and traumatic. I still remember the details of the children I turned down and it's many years ago.

KristinaM Fri 04-Apr-14 18:02:46

Emotional answer -stick a pin in one profile and choose it. Then consider how you feel about the choice that the pin has made. Relived? Disappointed?

Now you know which way your heart is leading you. Only you two can decide if it's right to follow your heart.

I know people who chose kids for what seemed like ridiculous reasons to me eg the child's birthday was on their grans birthday or their wedding anniversary . Or they had always thought an Aries child would perfect for them. TBH I haven't noticed that their adoptions are any more or less successful than others. So I conclude there's no right way .

Caveat -this was children whose profiles already matched the family's circumstances, like yourselves. I'm not suggesting they adopted random children with the correct birthday or star sign.

Italiangreyhound Fri 04-Apr-14 18:47:33

Prumath when you say and we've been told we need to commit to one I think it is normal. I guess it is a bit like dating with a view to marriage, eventually you need to decide you want to commit to someone. The scary bit is that of course there are other suitors so it is not just your decision!

We were in this exact same boat. Two children and we were told to choose.We felt we had more chance with one than the other and we were very much drawn to both. In the end we just felt the child we chose was the right one for us, regardless of whether we had more chance of being able to adopt them or not! If you see what I mean. We were also lucky that DH and I both agreed which child to ask to be considered for.

Italiangreyhound Fri 04-Apr-14 18:49:19

I should say here were potential adopters for both children so if we had chosen not to proceed they would (I feel sure) have been found families but even if that is not the case I still feel you must only decide if you feel it is right for your family IYSWIM!

MissFenella Fri 04-Apr-14 19:02:55

we had more than one profile. We looked at both in a practical sense (were they at school, behaviours, proximity of birth family) but in the end we went with a purely emotional choice.
I found that in day dreams it was X I was imagining beside me in the car going shopping, or at the beach or snuggled to on the sofa.

We did ask for videos of them at play so we could get a better idea of what they were like too and that helped a lot.

prumarth Fri 04-Apr-14 19:08:50

Thank you all so much. I had never realised that SW would approach us and make us choose without actually committing to us first! So feels like I have to gamble and they could say no then we lose both.
Also, to add complication - the 2 kids are almost identical with the exception of gender. Born 2 weeks apart, same issues at birth, same issues on removal from birth mum. So it's not even like one has a better 'fit' with us.
We would have progressed with the first child however they don't think they will even be able to tell us if we are in the running till the end of the month. Whereas child number 2 is going to panel quicker, meets our profile discussions and seems lovely (we have only quite basic information on number 2, lots of info on 1).

DaffodilDandy Fri 04-Apr-14 19:50:03

Could you say yes to number 2 in order to get more information, and then withdraw if anything comes up that you don't feel fits?

I think I'd do what Kristina suggests - blindly pick one (I'd write their names on bits of paper, fold them up then pick one), then test your gut reaction.

I can't begin to imagine how hard it is having to decide under pressure, I am struggling enough and we have no timescale to work to.

Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself. smile

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