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Frustrated and Angry

(52 Posts)
tinkerbellpixie Tue 01-Apr-14 20:27:50

Well it looks like round 2 is going to go pretty much the same way as round 1, but on first medical it looks like my dr messed up the weight for Dp.
Now seeing as it was Dp's weight that was the issue last time it looks as though we have not even tried to loose the weight. But dp is not unhealthy by any streak he has type 2 diabetes which is exceptionally well controlled and high blood pressure due to the diabetes but he eats healthily and exercises and is currently renovating his dads house so we have a family home. His Bmi is 51

EirikurNoromaour Tue 01-Apr-14 20:40:51

I don't know your back story, I just found this thread by clicking unanswered by mistake, but 51 is really, really high. You're kidding yourself if you think he's not unhealthy, especially if he has diabetes.

tinkerbellpixie Tue 01-Apr-14 20:51:06

We know a BMI of 51 is not good but my Dp is FAR from lazy inactive. He can cycle up to 15 miles a day! Is currently renovating a house which is involving a lot of physical work. He also eats healthily as I plan and prepare all the meals so that they are balanced.
Dp is 5ft 10 and has a big bone density and is genetically big built and broad shouldered.
We started the process in November but we had a few issues with our social worker and her way of working and dismissivness of things such as my Job, our weight even insulting us on prep and her lies at not receiving emails despite read receipts.
We have since November increased activity levels even more and we have cut out all the crap from our diets.
Our Gp even admitted that there were errors.
And type 2 diabetes is actually also hereditary as his dad, grandmother and great grandmother had it too. So please come off your high horse before being so judgemental

soontobeethree Tue 01-Apr-14 20:52:25

Eiriuk do you mean to be so unhelpful and nasty? The op is fully aware of weight being an issue for dp and is doing a lot to improve the situation. As you said you are not aware of back story so maybe find out before commenting or don't comment?
op this must be really upsetting for you. Is there anyway you can get notes from other drs to show he had lost weight according to there scales? just be honest. also maybe if dh gets weighed somewhere like boots so he has paper records tp show progress (I had weight watchers card to show this)
please try not to stress to much. Things will work out.

Polkadotpatty Tue 01-Apr-14 20:57:28

Hi Tinkerbell,

How very frustrating for you both. I realise as I write this that it's nearly impossible to do, but if you can manage to treat this time around as a clean slate and "start from where you are", it might feel less like the first experience is hanging over you?

Regardless of how we all individually think about the weight vs. health issue, in my experience (I'm someone much more tree-trunk than reed!) there is zero benefit to challenging the SW and agency guide of what bmi they'll accept. It is, of course, really really hard work shifting the pounds and you'll have loads of support from people on here while you go through it.

Go gently and take care of yourself brew

tinkerbellpixie Tue 01-Apr-14 21:02:39

I think that is what I am going to start with Dp I have my WW card although my new restricted diet is not conducive to weight loss.

I think boots is our way forward and weigh on a set day. Just to prove we are doing this. I just feel so powerless but it is nothing we are doing wrong. The picture is Dp and me in December. Will post a recent one when I get home

cosmos239 Tue 01-Apr-14 21:11:03

Is his bmi 51 really 51, that's firmly into the morbidly obese category.? if you think he.s a healthy weight try calculating it yourself to double check. I the gp had made a mistake could you ask him to write a correction report and send it to your sw.
If bmi is high through muscle mass, broad shoulders not fat then you could get medical assessment to assess percentage body fat and stomach width then could argue that these are better indicator ofcardiovascular risk than bmi. A stomach width of above 40 inches is associate with risk of cardiovascular disease so check this before you go down this road or it could backfire.

I know it seems harsh but sw are trying as best they can without a Crystal ball to make sure adoptees don't suffer another loss in their lives through premature death of their adoptive parent. I hope that's been explained to you, they're not just being prejudiced. Good luck.

Thetimes123 Tue 01-Apr-14 21:13:52

Surely weight is not an issue to adoption, surely love and stability is more important. A child can be loved by an overweight person. I'm hungry all the time and I don't eat enough and I am still active.
Stick to your guns - get a decent sw.
Yeah, lose weight.
But most off all show them how loving and caring you are - go to church, do volunteer work, charity, kids club, blogs, etc

EirikurNoromaour Tue 01-Apr-14 21:28:05

I'm not being nasty I'm being realistic. I am aware of issues around adoption through my professional life.
I've done family placement assessments and age, weight, health and smoker status are all considered when thinking about placing children. Too many indicators of restricted life expectancy especially combined will indicate that a placement may not be in a child's interests.
A BMI of 51 is high enough to have a statistically significant chance if shortening his life, especially combined with diavetes. Sorry if you find that blunt or upsetting but that's the reason it's an issue for adoption. It's not about whether an overweight person can love a child, it's about whether they will be around to see them into adulthood.

cosmos239 Tue 01-Apr-14 21:36:11

Sorry cross posted And didn't realise backstory that hubby is overweight and trying to lose it. Thought Dr had made calculation error as its easy to do. Lots of adopters have started where you are and gone on to adopt. Could you have an honest discussion with social worker over where he needs to get to for her to put you forward to approval panel then ask for a period of time to make changes before moving on to next stage, are you at home assessment stage? Then do anything to show efforts to lose the weight, ask for a dietician referral from gp,they can document weight loss and provide evidence to sw to support your application, keep receipts from gym / swimming etc entry, yes get weight print outs that can be date verified. Do online healthy eating courses to prove you know how to provide children a healthy diet, I know you likely know this but sw can't just take your word for it, they need evidence for everything. Same reason they look at bank accounts / household outgoings instead of taking your word that you can afford a child. Frustrating yes! But there are good reasons for their reluctance to approve adopters with high bmis. Keep going, all the best.

soontobeethree Tue 01-Apr-14 21:39:54

I didn't find your post blunt, i found it rude because at no point has tinker ever said dh is a healthy weight. She is not in denial as herself and dp are losing weight. What she was saying was he has a healthy lifestyle. There is a difference between thinking someone is healthy ie careful diet and exercising and a healthy weight. You admitted yourself that you don't know op's back story, her frustration is that the scales have messed up so dh doesn't look like he's lost as much as he has.

soontobeethree Tue 01-Apr-14 21:41:16

cosmos not aimed at you.

tinkerbellpixie Tue 01-Apr-14 21:45:56

Yes I accept everything you are saying and you could be healthy with a BMI of <30 but 3 months after placement become ill wit Terminal Cancer! It is all risks and Yes Dp's bmi is 51 but in all fairness most Olympic Athletes and the England Rugby team are obese and rugby players tip into morbidly obese! Dp starts boot camp this weekend with One of the parents of children I childmind. So his physical fitness will be assessed then as he is an army PT instructor.

Our SW is aware of what we are doing to loose weight and is encouraging but when you were actually called Fat in a room full of people like she was at fat fighters from little Britain it is a thing that sticks!
Aruguably his diabetes is under extreme control and his diabetic nurse and consultant are supporting him to loose weight. Consistent 3x daily testing of his BM is coming out between 6-7 so I would say his diet, medications are working but most importantly diet!

EirikurNoromaour Tue 01-Apr-14 21:47:21

But dp is not unhealthy by any streak
That's patently untrue. It suggests denial. It's great that he's making efforts to lose weight and must be very frustrating if the loss so far hasn't been recorded. However, he needs to lose a fair bit more before the health implications are lessened.

tinkerbellpixie Tue 01-Apr-14 21:50:47

Our old S/w not new one who is lovely and actually very understanding. We are by no means in denial, we are still in stage 1 have prep tomorrow and have been going through our workbook slowly. I am actually booked on a course for CpD about healthy eating and cooking for children as part of my childminding.

NearTheWindymill Tue 01-Apr-14 21:56:47

Sweetheart I can't comment on the adoption but my DH has a bmi of 26.5 and is regarded as overweight. He also has type 2 diabetes which I/we control with diet. He is 52 and I worry myself sick over him.

Kewcumber Tue 01-Apr-14 22:02:19

I don;t think Eirikur is being nasty or judgemental. We have type 2 diabetes rife in our family too but even controlled you can;t say having a BMI of 51 and diabetes is "healthy"! Under control is NOT healthy. And diabetes is degenerative (if thats teh right way of putting it)

I speak as an adopter who had a BMI around. 40 at the time of approval (I struggle to get approved due to my weight so I can imagine 51 could be a big problem for them)

51 is in the range of being granted weight loss surgery.

BMI is a very very good guide to how overweight people are on the whole unless they are indeed in the weighlifter/professional rugby player category. IF that is your DH then it will be esy to prove by getting them to measure his fat percentage.

If his fat percentage shows he is indeed morbidly obese then I'm afraid all the justifications about how far he can cycle or how well his diabetes is under control won;t be as important as showing he is losing weight. a healthy lifestyle might be enough to sway the medical officer on the panel if his BMI was 40ish (as it was for me) but cold hard weight loss will probably be needed in order to convince then at 50+

I am sympathetic - I have been through this but the solution is in both your hands so grasp it asap and stop worrying about the hereditary issues, GP mistakes, cycleing etc and focus on tackling the real problem.

Sorry Thetimes but love is NOT enough - adoption and the issues it brings are exhausting and childrne have suffered enough loss, panel have a duty to minimise the risk of future loss however unfair it feels.

Kewcumber Tue 01-Apr-14 22:08:45

and to be honest (I am no expert) I wouldn't call 6-7 extremely under control (depending on when you're testing). I would call it just about satisfactory - before food I'd expect it to be 4-7 so 6-7 is the top end of acceptible. After food 6-7 would be good.

not a cause of concern I doubt but just pointing out how the picture isn;t quite as rosy as you seem to think.

It would also depend on what drugs he is using in order to keep his diabetes under control - some drugs make it harder to keep your weight down (which I;m sure you know) and they will only move on to them if your diabetes is diffficult to control with diet or diet and metforing alone - that may also be an influencing factor

Kewcumber Tue 01-Apr-14 22:10:34

and (finally) professional sports people do not have increased risks associated with a higher BMI becuase their weight is muscle mass rather than fat. The only increased risk they run is joint problems becuase weight is weight whetherver its made of. Please don;t use the comparison to professional sports people with anyone publically - they will laugh and it makes you look like you're in denial even if you're not.

Kewcumber Tue 01-Apr-14 22:12:24


crazeekitty Tue 01-Apr-14 23:17:13

Ditto to everything Kew said.

And to add that adopted children often have huge issues around food. I wonder how they would feel arriving in a house with restricted diets and weigh-ins?

Whether you agree or not with BMI being a consideration, the fact is that it is considered important enough to be so. Yes it's annoying that mistakes were made by the doctor etc etc but the only person in control of what goes in your body is you. Big boned and diet doesn't work are excuses. Please don't see this as accusatory. The fact is that if you want to offer a traumatised child a better life then you will have to accept that a lifestyle change is in order. Sign up for a reputable weight loss programme. Dig deep for every bit of will power you have and lose weight. Your heart, your bones and your future child will thank you for it.

DaffodilDandy Tue 01-Apr-14 23:27:51

I agree with Kew, a BMI of 51 is very high. My DH has a BMI of about 38, he's 6ft 2, huge shoulders, big build etc, but he is overweight, albeit not as much as you'd imagine from his BMI because of his build, but he's still carrying too much weight. Therefore, if your DP is four inches shorter, and has a much, much higher BMI I really don't think his build is enough of a reason for being overweight. If he were overweight because of muscle the SW would be able to see that was the case and his BMI wouldn't be an issue.

Unfortunately arguing and resisting what the SW says will just result in more trouble, they hold the key to you being able to adopt and therefore you need to go with the flow and do as they say. You might not agree, and it might be annoying, but in the long term it's a small price to pay.

What Polka says is excellent advice, you need to put everything that has happened behind you and start afresh with your new SW. Good luck. smile

QOD Tue 01-Apr-14 23:31:56

I had a gastric bypass at BMI 50 with no co morbidities

One of my friends who adopted, the dh lost 10stone pre adoption, has put on 13 since. Scary sad He was forced to do it fast and unhealthy with stupid shakes.
The healthy lifestyle is the way to go. How do you fit health wise? Surely if one of you is ok then that counts?

DaffodilDandy Tue 01-Apr-14 23:42:19

QOD, from my understanding if one of you is OK then so long as the other isn't dangerously overweight it's not such an issue. In our case my BMI is borderline underweight and so our 'household lifestyle' is OK because it's clear that we don't have a bad diet which will be passed on to children. DH does need to exercise more and watch what he's eating more than I do, but with regards to adoption his BMI hasn't been an issue at all because of the context above and his build.

However, I suspect from what the OP has said that the issue here is a very high BMI and a medical condition which amounts to a much bigger issue than either issue on it's own would be.

tinkerbellpixie Wed 02-Apr-14 07:17:37

The restrictions on diet are for me I have allergies to wheat, gluten and Dairy and have been since childhood. So I have found it best to prepare all meals so I know what goes into it so I am not ill.

I have a BMI of 35 and I know I could do more to get it to 30 but there has been no issues with my weight it has all been about Dp I could be tarring LA with the same brush as last time as they did say they would work with us at interview
I don't agree with the diets such as cambridge, lighter life as it is a starvation diet and pushes hour body into thinking that it is being starved. A d you pile the weight on. Dp signed up for Ww online last night so we will be doing that.
Thank you for all your comments and some very nasty Pms.
But some people really need to think before they post

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